While we plan to vote tomorrow we realize there are many of you out there who won’t see the inside of a voting booth. Whether you were too lazy to register or you just don’t like standing in lines, the one thing you need to have prepared is a bulletproof excuse for why you didn’t vote.
There are a lot of judgmental assholes out there just waiting to grill you for not wearing a sticker. Any one of these excuses should shut them up…
1) You’re an Ex-Con. And your voting privileges have been revoked. In our experience people don’t ask many more questions after they learn that you’ve done time. They kind of just back away and never make eye contact with you again. It’s really a win-win.
2) You’re a Member of the Green Party. And you don’t vote anymore ever since your support for Ralph Nader cost Al Gore the election. This route is pretty effective seeing that no one will know another member of the Green Party to run this by.
3) You Spent the Entire Day Saving Obama’s Life. Just recite the plot from the first season of 24 and hope the person you’re reciting it to isn’t a Jack Bauer fan.
4) You Had an Opportunity for a Three-Way. And since the probability of two chicks wanting to bang you at the same time ever happening again is low, you had to take advantage. Note: Citing a devil’s three way does not hold as much water.
5) Your Dog Died. Of course, depending on how well you know the person you tell this to may have to kill your own pet to avoid getting caught in a web of lies.
6) You’re Canadian. The person you tell this to will become much less concerned with you voting and much more concerned about the ability of Canadians to live amongst us undetected.
7) You’re a Texas or Georgia fan. After the crushing defeat your school suffered on Saturday, no one will blame you.
8 ) You Had Some REALLY Bad Mexican. Just keep emphasizing “REALLY” and making weird faces. They’ll cut you off before you get into more details.
9) You Were Attacked by Ninjas. This is our go-to excuse for pretty much every situation where we need a plausible reason to why we didn’t do something. You’d be surprised at how versatile it is. And by how much people are genuinely scared of ninja attacks.
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