This post is more a public service announcement to our audience than our standard comedy-laced critique of a movie preview. After watching the trailer to He’s Just Not That Into You we’re prepared to deem it the shitty date movie of 2009 that just about every dude with a lady friend will end up encountering at some point or another. Whether it’s you being forced to act like a dick when refusing to see it, or you agreeing to watch it on DVD as long as you can simultaneously use your laptop, or — god forbid — you being dragged to see it in the theater, this flick is pretty much guaranteed to enter your life. Time to take cover.

Please prepare yourself for being expected to take Kevin Connolly seriously…

What We Know:

• If Drew Barrymore were a superhero her name would be Anti Boner.
• Legislation should be passed where cheating with Scarlett Johansson doesn’t legally count as adultery.
• Jennifer Aniston left her fastball in the 20th century.
• Jennifer Connelly would be getting off the express train to Poundtown before she even realized she got on.
• The dude who played The Sack should forever be typecast as The Sack.
• Ben Affleck in supporting roles is way more likable than Ben Affleck in leading roles.

What We Can Guess:

• That little girl probably did smell like dog poo.
• Chicks will cream themselves while watching this trailer.
• Royalties from romantic comedies have kept The Cure in eyeliner for the last decade.
• Wardrobe suggested that Kevin Connolly give shoe lifts a try on more than one occasion.

What’s Unclear:

• Whether Drew Barrymore’s character just ends up paying some gigolo to bang her.
• Whether the Mac guy is comfortable playing a character going after a midget’s seconds.
• Whether going to see this movie either A) gives you a pass on a Valentine’s gift or B) trades into trying out something new and weird in bed. It’s gotta be one or the other, right?

When this movie inevitably enters your life, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

[H/T: Film Drunk]

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