The Sean Avery Rule: A Pro Athlete’s Guide To Sloppy Seconds

December 3rd, 2008 by NextRound in Awesomest Thing, Humor, Sports

Between playing hockey, banging cougars, wearing short shorts, interning at Vogue, and telling fashion reporters he’s going to go home and jerk off to them, we’re never quite sure if we hate Sean Avery or think he’s kind of awesome. One thing we do we know for sure though is that every pro athlete should follow his rule to sloppy seconds. Check out the first thirty seconds of this video which is directed towards Calgary Flames defenseman, Dion Phaneuf, who is currently dating Sean’s ex, Elisha Cuthbert:

The NHL has already suspended Avery indefinitely for these comments, which we find absurd to say the least. Why is the NHL always drinking so much hatorade? Isn’t it pretty clear that Sean was just attempting to help out his fellow pro athlete in the lady friend department? Where’s the harm in that? Sean realizes that sloppy seconds are rocking the foundation of professional athletics to its core, and if one brave man isn’t willing to lay out a guideline for sloppy seconds then they could threaten the promiscuous ways of pro athletes everywhere. Behold, The Sean Avery Rule:Never fall in love with another pro athlete’s sloppy seconds. Makes all the sense in the world right? If you’re a pro athlete. And you get paid handsomely to play sports. And chicks everywhere want to bang you. Then what the hell are you doing falling in love with another pro athlete’s leftovers? It’s beneath you. It’s one thing to make a run at another pro athlete’s sloppy seconds one drunk night in Cleveland, sure. Go to town. But love? That just ain’t gonna to fly. There are too many smoking hot fish in the scantily clad sea ready and willing to hump pro athletes (hockey players included) to be falling in love with another dude’s sloppy seconds.

So let this be a lesson to you, oddly named Dion Phaneuf. No matter how much of a crush you developed on Kim Bauer while DVD binging on the first three seasons of 24, you’re life is too awesome for you to fall in love with her. You can thank Sean Avery for teaching you and pro athletes everywhere this valuable — and possibly career saving — lesson.

And now a couple of gratuitous pics of Elisha Cuthbert because we’re awesome…