You know how we know you’re never going to get laid? Your mom put a Christmas classified ad in the paper to see if she could help you find a wife. Tampa Bay Online reports:

‘ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS … a WIFE for my SON,’ it begins.

Signed Christmas Mother-in Law, the plea continues: ‘I’m sad that he’s alone, a 37 year old handsome Tampa professional …

‘Help me find him a wife!’

Well, at least his mom didn’t also do an interview with the paper. That would have been even more embarrassing. Oh wait…

Claudia swears there’s nothing wrong with her son.

‘He’s such a good boy,’ she says. ‘He’s so good-hearted, so good-looking. He’s got a good job.’

So far, so good, but she is his mother. Seeing is believing.

Oh god. How brutal. This dude is going to have to keep a therapist and an escort service on speed dial for the rest of his life. Well, at the very least there may be a few slam pigs out there desperate enough to take his mom up on the ad. He could possibly score a slump buster out of it right? Oh shit, maybe not…

So far, he says, his mother has received only three responses to her ad. Two came from other mothers; one with a daughter, who sounds promising; the other, a son. She wants the names of the women Jason decides not to date.

Is it worse to be the guy whose mom puts an ad out in the paper because he sucks so much with the ladies or to be the guy whose mom is willing to settle with the first son’s sloppy seconds? Tough call. Either way you probably own a blow up doll.

[Source: Tampa Bay Online via Fark]

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