Is it weird that we want to see Valkyrie now that the early reviews are slamming Tom Cruise for being “distractingly bad”? Before we just figured we’d catch it on DVD or HBO, but now that we’re aware that we can get both WWII action/drama AND awesomely bad Tom Cruise eye patch acting out of one movie we plan to make it a priority over the holidays. Toss in that we’re pretty sure Cruise is the only actor in Valkyrie not speaking in a British accent (a la Kevin Costner in Robin Hood) and the whole thing sounds rather magical. And that’s what the holidays are about, correct?
All this eye patch talk leads to a discussion of even larger magnitude considering the company of actors Cruise is joining by wearing an eye patch for the big screen. Who wore one best? It’s a pretty tough call.
Was It Kurt Russell? He looked so awesome in an eye patch in Escape from New York they made a sequel and got him to rock one in Captain Ron. You have to think the only way Tango & Cash could have kicked any more ass is if he and Stallone each wore matching eye patches.
Was it Angelina? We wouldn’t have made it through Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow if it hadn’t been for daydreaming about ways to poke out her other eye.
Was it Sam Jackson as Nick Fury? Kangois, eye patches, whatever the hell he’s wearing in The Spirit. Dude would probably look cool in lederhosen.
Was it Daryl Hannah in Kill Bill? Someone told us Daryl actually lost her eye in a freak dart accident and that’s why Kill Bill was the first relevant thing she was cast in this decade. Wonder if there’s any truth to that.
Was it the Hoff as Nick Fury? The cigar was a nice touch by the Hoff. By now we’re sure you’re fully aware there aren’t many looks he can’t pull off. The real question is how many nights in a row did he cry himself to sleep when he didn’t get a call from Marvel about Iron Man.
Was it the dude from Lost? Mikhail probably came out of the womb with an eye patch on. Creepy.
Or was it Rob Lowe? We bet he totally rocked that thing at least once when banging a nanny. No way he could have resisted.
And there you have it. Eye patches: making movies awesomer since John Wayne put one on in 1969. Get yours now!
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