Every year people across the country make unrealistic New Year’s resolutions. We’re no different. So as an ode to failed self betterment we’ve surveyed the members of Team Cool & Tough for New Year’s resolutions they’ve made and failed miserably at maintaining. As always, things get a little weird…

New Year’s Resolutions That Never Work Out:

• Stop Banging Fatties

• Don’t Get So Drunk You Crap Yourself

• Only Gamble with Discretionary Income

• Don’t Do Any Drugs That Involve a Dealer

• Only Masturbate When Aroused, Not Just Bored

• Don’t Use Profanity Around Children or Old People

• Always Wear a Condom with Strange

• Don’t Eat Fast Food Sober

• Pay Down Credit Cards

• Spend More Time with Family

• Be Less Racist

• Don’t Get Blacked Out on Work Nights

• Hit the Gym at Least Three Times a Week (No Drive-bys)

• Stop Convincing Yourself Strippers Really Like You

• Get a “Real” STD Test

• Say No to Happy Endings

• Be More Professional at Work (i.e. Stop Banging Receptionists)

• Date More Cougars

From our experience keeping the bar as low as possible is best when making a New Year’s resolution. Funny how often we come to that conclusion.

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