Mall Santas can go bad on several different levels. Here are the twelve worst versions…
Pull My Finger Santa. You’d think the “pull my finger” joke would get old after a hundred or so successful runs, but for PMF Santa it’s like the first time every time.
Narcoleptic Santa. Halfway through hearing a wishlist he’s sawing logs and drooling on a baby.
Touchy Feely Santa. Making kids and their parents uncomfortable one mall visit at a time.
Super Sweaty Santa. Getting douched in old man sweat isn’t on any kid’s wishlist.
Bad with Baby Santa. You have no business in this profession if you hold an infant like a ticking timebomb. Act like you’ve been here before.
Lapdance Santa. It’s a shame when children take a back seat on Santa’s priorty list to getting his junk grinded on by Mrs. Claus.
OK with Adults Santa. There’s just something inherently wrong with a Santa who’s stoked about having 25 year-old dudes sit on his lap. What did Jake Gyllenhaal ask for, anyway?
Shitty Fake Beard Santa. Try a little harder pal. Try a little harder.
Skinny Santa. The cheap bastard running the mall who refuses to dust off his wallet for a 250lb. old man Santa deserves to have the shit kicked out of him.
Flashing Santa. Nobody wants to to see Santa’s dong. Nobody.
Sneak a Drink Santa. Even a bunch of dumb fourth graders realize there’s something wrong with brown bottled water.
And Saddam Hussein Santa. Everyone’s gotta pay the bills, right?
Feel free to consider this our Christmas card. Happy Holidays for NextRound!
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