We are very rarely prone to hyperbole (although some like to argue we often confuse “rarely” with “regularly”) so you know we hold a movie in high regard when we’re willing to debate whether or not it may be the greatest movie ever made months before it even starts filming. But The Expendables – the Voltron of movie tough guys helmed by Sly Stallone — has just that much potential.

In case you’ve been away on a gay cruise and aren’t aware of what The Expendables is, here’s a quick synopsis of why it has the makings of the greatest movie ever:

1) It Will Be Written and Directed by Sylvester Stallone (writer and director of Rocky II, Rocky III, Staying Alive, Rocky IV, Rocky Balboa, Rambo, and the highly anticipated Rambo V).

2) It Will Feature the Greatest Ensemble Tough Guy Cast Ever. Outsiders eat your heart out:

• Stallone
• Statham
• Jet Li
• Dolph Lundgren
• Randy Couture
• And we hear a Seagal cameo may be in the works.

3) It Will Have an Acclaimed Actor in a Supporting Role. Forest Whitaker is in negotiations to to join the cast as the CIA liaison. And if we know Stallone like we think we know Stallone he may write in a Ghost Dog scene or two for Forest.

4) It Will Be Set in South America. So you know there will be plenty of people who deserve to die bloody deaths.

5) The Plot Involves Overthrowing a Dictator. And if there’s one thing Stallone know how to do — besides write and direct awesome movies — it’s overthrow a warlord.

Rumors are even swirling that Stallone is attempting to woo his Demolition Man co-star, Sandra Bullock, to join the fun. We can only assume he intends to cast her with Brigitte Nielsen, Teri Hatcher, Dolly Parton, and that chick from Cliffhanger as the proprietors of a South American brothel.

If you don’t have a boner after reading all that then maybe we should consider dating other people. All we can say is this bitch better come out on IMAX. AND be intro’d by the trailer to Tango & Cash 2.

[Sources: IMDb, THR]

• The 15 Greatest Super Bowl Grocery Displays
• Brilliantly Subtle Tarantino Movie Posters
• 25 People Who Look Like Cartoon Characters

Make This Popular:

email

facebook

stumble

twitter