Every year when the Oscar nominations come out we find ourselves imagining how much better the film world would be if Team Cool & Tough were handed the keys to the Academy Awards. First off, there would be no “Academy”, just us making unilateral decisions. Sure, we’d face some dissension at first, but eventually all those lemmings in Hollywood would fall in line and the entertainment industry would be the better for it.

Just imagine, you’d hear “Oscars” and think “kick ass” instead of “flaccid penis”. Here are the first five new categories we’d add along with this year’s nominees:

Best Awesomely Bad Actor

• Nicholas Cage, Bangkok Dangerous
• Brendan Fraser, Journey to the Center of the Earth
• Hayden Christensen, Jumper
• Keanu Reeves, Street Kings
• Mark Wahlberg, Max Payne
• Keanu Reeves, The Day the Earth Stood StillĀ

Keanu would be the Tom Hanks of this category.

Best Stathom-esque Performance

• Jason Statham, Transporter 3
• Jason Statham, The Bank Job
• Jason Statham, Death Race
• Sylvester Stallone, Rambo

We’re boycotting the current format until Statham gets his due.

Best Casting of a Previously Unknown Hot Chick

• Slumdog Millionaire for Freida Pinto
• Quantum of Solace for Olga Kurylenko
• Cloverfield for Odette Yustman
• Death Race for Natalie Martinez

Best Comedy

• Tropic Thunder
• Zach and Miri Make a Porno
• Burn after Reading
• Forgetting Sara Marshall

How can film’s biggest award show not even give comedies a sniff? Utter bullshit.

The Never Work Again Award

• George Lucas, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls
• Ashton Kutcher, What Happens in Vegas
• Mike Myers, The Love Guru
• Shia LaBeouf, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls
• Patrick Dempsey, Made of Honor
• The Wachowski Brothers, Speed Racer
• Dane Cook, My Best Friend’s Girl

In the world we want to live in the recipient of this award would be forced into retirement, WWE style. Would hands down be the highlight of awards season.

• Travolta Hair & Makeup Jobs That Turned Action Movies Into Comedies

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