The primary function of an NBA mascot is to entertain children and old people, so we understand that all mascots are inherently lame, but that’s no excuse for them being ill-conceived. We could have spent a week partying with Joaquin Phoenix and come up with better mascot ideas than these teams did.
Stuff (The Magic Dragon) – Orlando Magic
We have to assume “Stuff” is less a rip off of the Peter, Paul, and Mary song about smoking dope and more a rip off of the gay cartoon dragon. Kind of hard to believe no one in Orlando had an issue with the idea of “stuffing” men in dragon suits. But whatever.
Way to go O-Town. Guess being the boy band capital of the world wasn’t emasculating enough. (Props for making that thing box a kangaroo though.)
Rumble the Bison – Oklahoma City Thunder
Let’s say your team just relocated from Seattle — where your mascot was a kick ass hybrid of Teen Wolf and Harry Henderson — and your new team name would also double for a pretty solid mascot name if it wasn’t already taken. So what do you do? That’s right. You hit the thesaurus and steal the head off one of the mechanical animals at Chuck E. Cheese. Oh, and then you give the bison his own blog.
Burnie – Miami Heat
“Burn”-ie. Yeah, now you understand. It was either this big flaming muppet dong (as pointed out by observant reader “t”) or a sweaty day laborer.
Hip Hop – Philadelphia 76ers
What the hell does a rabbit have to do with Philadelphia? Are pet rabbits big in the area? Because the only wildlife we’ve ever seen in Philly are female Eagles fans. And why isn’t the Phanatic the mascot for every pro team in Philadelphia anyways? Or how about a dude dressed up like Ben Franklin doing acrobatic trampoline dunks? That would kill.
G-Wiz the Wizard – Washington Wizards
G-Wiz. Gee wiz. Get it? Holy shit we might have to stab someone today.
In the world we want to live in this team is still called the Bullets and their mascot is Tackleberry from Police Academy.
Moral of the story: If you’re an NBA franchise you probably want to fire your marketing department and hire us. And while you’re at it there’s a good chance we’d be an upgrade over your GM and head coach as well.
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