Lots of people die in disaster movies. Especially Roland Emmerich disaster movies like 2012. But there’s actually a pretty standard blueprint for survival. Here are  five surefire techniques.

1) Be a Scientist No One Listens To

Forward thinking Caucasian scientists whose outrageous theories on pending disasters aren’t taken seriously have a 100% survival rate in disaster movies.

2) Stay Out of Major Metropolitan Areas

Aliens, monsters, and apocalyptic natural disasters notoriously target major cities with easily recognizable skylines. The best bet is to seek refuge in rural areas and/or Cleveland.

3) Do the Opposite of What the Government Tells You

The Federal Government turns into Chief Wiggum in the face of unthinkable disaster. They tell their citizens to stay calm and stay in their homes. They have a plan. Really you should panic and run like hell because they have no clue what they’re doing. If there’s an under appreciated man of science around, follow his lead.

4) Never Be Best Friends with a Hero

If your best friend is charismatic, fearless, and in any way capable of saving the world, get as far away from him as possible. Or end the friendship by sleeping with his wife. Because if not, in the immortal words of Chris Rock: “You’re gonna die!”

5) Go Directly to the Belly of the Beast

If for some reason you can’t get thousands of miles away from where climatic shit is going down, you should — ironically — go right to the center of the action. You’ll either save the day or be rescued at the very last moment.  Never fails.

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