Ursula Mayes is better known to the elderly and losers with terrible taste in television as Briefcase Model #5 on Deal or No Deal. We ran across her recently on the world wide web while doing research on ridiculously attractive women with old lady first names. And it’s a good thing we did, because had we not we would never have been enlightened to the real reason people watch Deal or No Deal. Prior to getting to know Ursula we’d long been working under the impression that the general public genuinely enjoyed the comedic antics of Howie Mandel. Now that it’s obvious Ursula is the one keeping the show on the air we’re sleeping much better at night.
Of course, should we find out that Howie has ever given Ursula a lift anywhere near the vicinity of Poundtown we’ll be sleeping even worse than before.
Ursula’s Hump Day Bio
Age: Unknown. We seriously can’t find it anywhere. We’ll guess mid-twenties unless science has evolved to startling new levels.
Where You May Have Seen Her: On NBC holding a suitcase. In Maxim. In a few less than mainstream magazines. And on the cover of “Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights” if you’re a debilitating gamer.
Where You May See Her Soon: Hopefully in more magazines with little to no clothes on, but more likely on NBC holding a suitcase after you check out the photos below.
This clip is from halftime of Saturday’s Florida/Florida State game where weather conditions were less than ideal (i.e. panhandle monsoon). Research shows that tuba players have a fifty percent chance of falling over in even the most optimal of conditions, so needless to say they never stood a chance here…
God bless the tuba. This video wouldn’t be a quarter as funny if it happened to the saxophone section.
Tremendous photoshop handiwork by our friends at Holy Taco. We prefer to be a bit more straight forward with our gift giving. The ladies in our lives are usually in line for casserole dishes and/or scented lubricants. Now on to your morning space out…
Sports Update:
ACC/Big Ten Challenge entering the home stretch almost even. [FanHouse]
WNBA Houston Comets disbanding means no more Comet Boy. Sad. [Deadspin]
DO NOT enter Brandon Jacobs’s house uninvited. [FanHouse]
The NHL has already suspended Avery indefinitely for these comments, which we find absurd to say the least. Why is the NHL always drinking so much hatorade? Isn’t it pretty clear that Sean was just attempting to help out his fellow pro athlete in the lady friend department? Where’s the harm in that? Sean realizes that sloppy seconds are rocking the foundation of professional athletics to its core, and if one brave man isn’t willing to lay out a guideline for sloppy seconds then they could threaten the promiscuous ways of pro athletes everywhere. Behold, The Sean Avery Rule:Never fall in love with another pro athlete’s sloppy seconds. Makes all the sense in the world right? If you’re a pro athlete. And you get paid handsomely to play sports. And chicks everywhere want to bang you. Then what the hell are you doing falling in love with another pro athlete’s leftovers? It’s beneath you. It’s one thing to make a run at another pro athlete’s sloppy seconds one drunk night in Cleveland, sure. Go to town. But love? That just ain’t gonna to fly. There are too many smoking hot fish in the scantily clad sea ready and willing to hump pro athletes (hockey players included) to be falling in love with another dude’s sloppy seconds.
So let this be a lesson to you, oddly named Dion Phaneuf. No matter how much of a crush you developed on Kim Bauer while DVD binging on the first three seasons of 24, you’re life is too awesome for you to fall in love with her. You can thank Sean Avery for teaching you and pro athletes everywhere this valuable — and possibly career saving — lesson.
And now a couple of gratuitous pics of Elisha Cuthbert because we’re awesome…
We’re willing to go out on a limb and conclude this is the most broken up one person has ever gotten over a library closing. We’d love to have a conversation with this old guy about web dynamics and the growing obsolescence of public libraries but we’re never in the mood to get hosed down with spittle.
You can’t help but wonder how this dude reacted when Murder She Wrote got canceled.
Lane Kiffin might look like he should be your server at Ruby Tuesdays, and he might not put on the most charismatic press conference, and he might have only gotten the Tennessee gig because a batshit crazy old man ill-advisedly gave him an NFL head coaching job, but there is one thing we know for sure about Lane…
He knows when to lock something down.
In this case his wife Layla. Just look at Lane’s smug grin anticipating this shot making it around the world wide web. He knows what you’re thinking. Mucho Respecto Lano!
Here’s to Vols fans hoping Lane Kiffin’s glorious tenure as head coach delivers several SEC championships and lasts long enough for his two daughters to become Tennessee co-eds.
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