The semi-relevant things to know this week in your ongoing pursuit to maintain as much awesomeness as possible…

Get Ready to Call “Reach!” The NFL Draft starts 3PM Saturday, and rest assured you’ll be reminded frequently this week. Please keep in mind that the two most fun games to play (that don’t end with you shitfaced) during any draft are A) Screaming “Reach!” right after your buddy’s team makes their first round selection, and B) Rooting for the Jets to fuck up their pick. This year should be especially fun since the Jets are in the top ten. Just imagine a scenario where Darren McFadden and Matt Ryan are available and they select Vernon Gholston. Our year would be made.

Kiper or McShay? On another draft note, decide if you’re going to cast your lot with Mel Kiper or scouting upstart Todd McShay. ESPN is clearly pitting the two against each other in a “Survivor: Draft Expert” sort of scenario. If you’ve seen these guys share a segment on Sportscenter you know they REALLY hate each other. Like, would do anything in their power to bang the other’s wife just for mind control sort of hate. Yeah, it’s intense.

NPH Back to the Big Screen. We really don’t see how “Harold and Kumar: The Sequel” isn’t going to suck out loud. Every time Hollywood decides to make a sequel to something that was funny despite itself they try to hard and ruin it. NPH should still dominate though.

More NBA Playoffs. They. Never. End. This past weekend was fun and refreshing, but strap yourself in for two more weeks (at least) of the first round. What’s the odds on Duncan three-pointers to Tracy McGrady playoff wins? We’d like to get a piece of that action.

The semi-relevant things you need to know this week in your ongoing pursuit to maintain as much awesomeness as possible…

Five days to the NBA Playoffs. In the West, the Nuggets and Warriors are battling to see who gets to take a run at knocking off the Lakers in the first round. In the East, the Hawks and the Pacers are contemplating whether it’s worth delaying summer vacation a week just to have the Celtics kick the shit out of them. Good general rule of thumb: if an Eastern Conference team was under .600 for the regular season and doesn’t have a guy named Lebron on their team, substitute their name with “bye” in the playoffs.

Spring football games mean nothing. If someone in your office tells you their team looked bad ass in this past weekend’s scrimmage, remind him they were playing themselves and that he’s a virgin.

“Forgetting Sarah Marshall” might actually be pretty good. Our expectations for this flick have gradually risen over the last two weeks. It’s to the point where we may sacrifice a Friday night of being awesome to catch it in the theater. Just fucking with you. We’ll call in sick to work if we decide we want to see something in the theater.

Pacino did another crappy movie. Speaking of new movies, did anyone realize Pacino has some new suspense flick coming out this week? Seeing that it’s directed by the guy who did “The Starter Wife” and Pacino hired Pauly Shore’s agent roughly ten years ago we’d be a little disappointed if you did. Legislation really should have been passed in the 80’s limiting Pacino and DeNiro to one movie a year. The world would be a better place right now.

TV blows this week. We scanned over this week’s primetime television and were forced to go egg an old lady’s house just to get our rage out. So. Much. Shitty. Reality. TV. At least Thursday night on NBC is back.

Stay away from anything “Iron Man”. We’ve been kind of on board for “Iron Man” because we think the Robert Downey Jr. comeback is awesome, but for some reason Paramount is doing everything in their power to turn us on this flick. How many trailers and ads and teaser photos can one movie have? When did Will Ferrell become a marketing consultant?

NFL Draft! Less than two weeks away! Bengals, Lions, and Raiders fans, get excited! And by “get excited”, we of course mean “prepare for the worst”.

The semi-relevant things you need to know this week in your ongoing pursuit to maintain as much awesomeness as possible…

Charlton Heston Died. Acting legend Charlton Heston passed away on Saturday. Entertainment outlets across a variety of mediums are sure to spend the week regaling films like “Ben-Hur” and “Planet of the Apes” as Heston’s quintessential works. We suggest you tell people a movie like “Omega Man” or “Soylent Green” is your favorite Heston flick. This way they’ll think you’re more intelligent than they are. Don’t worry if you haven’t seen either of these movies, neither has anyone else.

The Masters is this week. We live in the Southeast and we love golf, so we find this to be an especially important piece of information. Play starts on Thursday and ESPN is even airing the Par 3 tournament starting at 3PM Wednesday. (Link to watch the Amen Corner action from your computer here. It’s like the NCAA gamecast except considerably more boring.)

Spend today preparing your stance on the NCAA winner. Regardless of who wins tonight, you want to make it clear to everyone you know that you liked that team all along. If Memphis wins you’ll need to spend the rest of the week talking about how they never truly got the respect they deserved for the season they had. If Kansas wins you need talk about how Bill Self truly is an underrated coach and recruiter.

Our boy Keanu returns to a screen near year on Friday. “Street Kings” looks pretty miserable, but should be filled with plenty of forced Keanu Reeves’ lines for you to mock. Our personal favorite thus far is: “I’m gonna ask him some questions… then we’re gonna kill him.” Awesome.

The Hornets are in first in the West. We know you don’t give a shit about the NBA prior to the playoffs, but with college hoops wrapping up it’s time for you to at least familiarize yourself with the standings. As a quick primer, the Celtics lead the beleaguered East by a fairly large margin and the West is a battle royal. Also, Chris Paul is a raging bad ass.

“The Office” and “30 Rock” return. At long last the two best comedies on network television return Thursday. Get Excited. (Side Note: First person to tell us “Two and a Half Men” is the best comedy on network television gets gator smacked. Proto, you know who we’re talking to.)

The semi-relevant information you need to know this week in your ongoing pursuit to maintain as much awesomeness as possible…

Baseball is back! For those of you that give a shit about baseball, anyway. When discussing Opening Day with your friends and coworkers be sure to not only mention the warm mixed-at-best reception the President received at last night’s Nats game, but also W’s canon for an arm. His ability to hose a first pitch will probably go down as the most positive aspect of his legacy.

Matt Leinart is a machine this offseason. A machine built to party harder than any human is capable of partying, that is. Strength training and film study is for douches. Leinart knows the offseason is all about reasonably hot chicks and beer bongs.

“Shine a Light” opens this weekend. “Shine a Light” is Martin Scorsese’s documentary covering the career of the Rolling Stones. We don’t expect anyone to actually see it until HBO starts airing it, but we should all be aware of the film if not for any other reason than Scorcese’s uncanny ability to use Gimme Shelter to make scenes in his movies infinitely awesomer.

Borat is back! Well, Sasha Baron Cohen is back…as “Bruno”. Looks like his follow up to “Borat” will involve a lot of fruity dancing with little creepy dudes in Midwestern airports. This video should pretty much sum it up for you.

Hulk Hogan has a new lady friend. And hard to believe she’s a young, somewhat manish blonde who thinks Hulk actually pinned Andre the Giant. Translated: she’s the closest thing he could find to his daughter this side of splicing chromosomes. Doubt this is really a shock to anyone who’s familiar with the incestuous nature of “Hogan Knows Best”.

Al Swearengen is back! Sort of. Ian McShane (who played arguably the greatest television character EVER on “Deadwood”) is finally returning to TV with NBC’s upcoming “Kings”. We know, we know, network television = zero gratuitous F- or C-bombs, even if used creatively. But hey, you sometimes you gotta take what you can get. That’s pretty much our motto every Saturday night.

Time to start talking NFL Draft. It’s less than a month away and you’re about to be pelted with a mock draft from every radio show and sports blog in existence (hell, if we’re not feeling creative we’ll probably give one a try). Go ahead and prepare your positions on Matt Ryan, Chris Long, Glen Dorsey, Jake Long, and Darren McFadden. As a point of reference our positions are “Eh”, “Maybe”, “Safe”, “Safer”, and “Learn to Wrap Up”, respectively.

Andy Roddick to spend 2008 marrying swimsuit model, not winning grand slams. Her name is Brooklyn Decker. She’s not a porn star, she’s a swimsuit model. Time to get jealous after the jump:

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The semi-relevant information you need to know this week in your ongoing pursuit to maintain awesomeness…

“Run Fatboy Run” opens Friday. It stars Simon Pegg of “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz” fame, and is about an out of shape dude who trains to run a marathon in order to impress some chick. David Schwimmer directs, which is kind of weird, but until Pegg disappoints we’re on board, especially after reading these awesome quotes from Pegg this morning.

Stephen Curry could have walked on to Virginia Tech. Stephen’s dad, Dell Curry, played for Virginia Tech so the the Hokies were Stephen’s first college choice, but like just about every other major conference school Virginia Tech did not offer Stephen a scholarship citing lack of size and an overall resemblance to A-Rod’s little sister. And now Stephen plays for Davidson, where his mission is to systematically teach every doubter a big fucking lesson. (Davidson/Wisconsin opens a killer slate of games starting 7PM Friday.)

No new “Lost” episodes until April 24th. So when you overhear that one clueless dipshit in your office mention how stoked he is to catch “Lost” on Thursday, be the first to ask him what he thought Friday morning.

Tennessee/Louisville tips at 9:57PM on Thursday. Get ready to start your bitching! Arguably one of the best Sweet Sixteen matchups won’t end till well after midnight on the east coast, which is quite a predicament for anyone with a job they take seriously (we’ll be watching).

SouthParkStudios.com just launched. Every episode from all 12 seasons is available at full length. So now when you’re confused by some clever South Park reference a friend makes (i.e. the Giant Douche v. Turd Sandwich election reference), all you have to do is go here to educate yourself.

Britney’s on “How I Met Your Mother” tonight. Any other show and we’d go out of our way not to mention it, but seeing that “How I Met Your Mother” is one of the few network comedies worth watching, we find this move kind of interesting. It may be Britney’s final shot at redemption (that doesn’t involve getting super hot again). Too bad people are already bitching about the CBS promos.

Suns at Celtics 7PM Wednesday. How old is Shaq? How determined is KG? How Canadian is Steve Nash? Can the Celtics hold court in Texas AND Arizona? Find out Wednesday on ESPN!

The Saints really might trade for Jeremy Shockey. It’s only fitting that the new America’s Team would go after the one dude in the NFL with the most patriotic arm art. You can’t tell us that this won’t end in a new Kim Kardashian sex tape.

As always, Beers with Your Friends and Ladies with Low Self Esteem should top your priorities.

Sports

WGC Accenture Match Play. 2PM-6PM Wed.-Fri., Golf Channel. Weekend Coverage, Golf Channel and NBC.

Not everyone is into golf, we get it. But those of us that are intelligent and super sophisticated don’t miss the Accenture Match Play tournament. Since it’s inception we’ve considered it the unofficial kickoff to golf season. The bracketed match play format makes it a blast to watch/gamble on. And since it starts on a Wednesday it provides a convenient excuse for back-to-back-to-back late afternoon five beer lunches.

#15 Purdue at #14 Indiana. 7PM Tues., ESPN.

The only weekday game pitting two ranked teams against each other also features college basketball’s biggest ongoing storyline: Can Kelvin Sampson successfully pit out more shirts in one season than Bruce Pearl? Ha, ha. Just kidding. Kelvin Sampson’s sweaty ass isn’t even going to coach a full season. Should still be a good game though.

NFL Combine Coverage. Starts 2:30PM Thurs., NFL Network.

Alright roto dweebs, keep your pants on. The season’s over and your favorite time of year is finally here. Combine, Baby! COMBINE! And the NFL Network has all your needs covered! Starting this Thursday and ending next Wednesday, it’s pretty much wall-to-wall coverage of bench presses, 40 times, and shuttle drills. Click here for the complete NFL Network breakdown. (Note to Lions fans: Wide receivers work out on Sunday.)

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As always, Beers with Your Friends and Ladies with Low Self Esteem should top your priorities.

Give Up On…

Your New Year’s Resolution.

Because who’s kidding who? You were never going to quit smoking or go to the gym more or finally kick that nasty chronic masturbation habit.

You made a valiant effort. Time to move on with 2008.

Have The…

“How fucking crazy is Britney?” discussion with your friends. It’s inevitable. The loon is just getting too much coverage. From CNN to gossip blogs, it’s impossible for her and her Susan Smith antics not to become a topic of conversation over a round of beers.

Opinions should vary from “She may be bi-polar” to “She should be euthanized for the sake of society” to “I can’t believe I once said I’d go down on her, no questions asked”.

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As always, Beers with Your Friends and Ladies with Low Self Esteem should top your priorities.

Start Formulating Excuses To…

Get you out of conversations with boring relatives. Holiday chit chat with people you have nothing in common with but are forced to speak to can become incredibly brutal if you don’t have an out.

Be original, though. You can only claim you have crippling diarrhea so many times before people get suspicious. Our personal favorite is setting our cell phone alarm to vibrate every fifteen minutes and taking “a very important phone call.”

Be the Last Person on Earth To Go See…

“I Am Legend”. Geezus, this movie made a lot of money. We think Will Smith is an OK dude, but apparently the rest of the nation has a serious boner for the guy.

Or maybe Will got his new buddy Tom Cruise to cast a Scientology spell over America. That can’t be right though. Because if Tom Cruise had secret powers, then wouldn’t more people go see his movies? And would anyone ever decline a “free stress test”?

Try To Score a Ticket To…

Jeremy Shockey’s NYE party. Where pretty ladies are paid to get drunk and stand around. If you can’t pull that off just run your own Craig’s List ad claiming your party is Jeremy Shockey’s.

Either way, Shockey sure does pull a lot of ass for a guy with a broken leg and a bald eagle tattoo.

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As always, Beers with Your Friends and Ladies with Low Self Esteem should top your priorities.

Plan on watching…

“Superbad” and “The Bourne Ultimatum” on DVD if you need to be entertained, because television is nothing but crap and reruns this week. And it’s only gonna get worse.

Give up on…

Selling that autographed Mike Vick jersey on Ebay. Unless it’s signed “aka Ron Mexico” or Vick someway incorporated the use of “Bad Newz” (spelled with a “z”, of course), it’s lost all value, intrinsic or ironic.

Familiarize yourself with…

Anna Rawson. The latest female professional golfer we wouldn’t mind sharing a bucket of balls with. And by “bucket of balls”, we mean “sex swing”.

We’re starting to get fairly excited about this new non-lesbian trend developing on the LPGA tour.

Prep for…

Your work holiday party by ranking the self esteem of the attractive females chicks you wouldn’t mind boning in your office on a 1-10 scale. From there, take the bottom twenty-five percent (hopefully in the 1-3 range) and eliminate anyone who doesn’t drink. End result: a tidy list of potential prey for party night. (More on the company holiday party later this week.)

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As always, Beers with Your Friends and Ladies with Low Self Esteem should top your priorities.

Here it is, Your Weekly Prioritizer:

Root Against Teams Playing in Conference Championships

Inevitably, your alma mater shit the bed this season and isn’t playing in your league’s championship game.

Just thinking about these other schools achieving levels of excellence on the field while your school is busy firing your crappy coach in order to hire another guy who is destined to reach or surpass the previous levels of crappiness makes you want to impale someone.

So plan on spending your Saturday rooting for ACL tears, stereotyping fan bases, and praying for STD epidemics to break out across the campuses of the winning teams.

Start Figuring Out Your New Year’s Plans

This is the week you start receiving emails and evites for assorted New Year’s Eve parties where some group wants you to go ahead and pony up 100 bones to lock down your spot for a “super exclusive” bash that only half the city got invited to.

And then you get a call from a buddy to pressure you into committing to one because a chick he’s trying to bang will be there. “Tickets go up to $150 next week! And they may sell out! We gotta make our move!”

Do you do it? Or do you hold out for the bigger, better deal? Is there a bigger, better deal when it comes to NYE parties? Has anyone ever gotten laid at one of these things?

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