[You knock on your boss’s door. He waves you in.]

You: Morning, boss. Gotta second for me to run something by you?

Your Boss: Sure, take a seat. What’s up?

You: Well, let me first say I’m a complete idiot for not bringing this up before now. But I’ve got this upcoming root canal scheduled. Think I’ve been working so hard I just blanked on it. I would have forgotten altogether if an Outlook reminder hadn’t just popped up. God bless Office 2003.

Your Boss: OK, not too big a deal. When is it?

You: It’s scheduled for this Thursday and Friday.

[Five seconds go by as he looks at you like he’s trying to figure out if you just farted.]

Your Boss: This Thursday and Friday?

You: Yeah. I think it’s two days because it’s such an important procedure. Luckily it’s only in the afternoons. Although I may not even be able to come in Friday morning because of the pain in my face. I’ll try to tough it out, of course. You know me, I’m a trooper.

Your Boss: It’s this Thursday and Friday, and only in the afternoon?

You: Yeah, I thought that was weird too. But hey, you can’t argue with doctors can you? The asshole probably has tee times both mornings and I’m the one whose schedule gets screwed.

Your Boss: So this two day dentist appointment…

You: Root canal, actually, sir. A lot more serious.

Your Boss: Oh, yeah, thanks for the clarification. “Root canal”. Sooooo, what you’re telling me is you have a two day “root canal”, only in the afternoons, and this root canal just happens to coincide with the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament.

[You do your best imitation of the who farted face right back at him.]

You: Huh? Sir, I’m going to have to apologize for my ignorance here, but I’m a little confused. What could my root canal possibly have to do with the NCAA tournament?

Your Boss: You’re saying there’s no correlation?

You: How could there be? One is an extensive medical procedure, something many people consider a serious surgery. I think I read somewhere where the mortality rate is up to about 10%. And the other is…what? A sporting event, right? I believe it’s basketball. Or is it baseball?

(more…)

Sean Salisbury is in his favorite recliner, sipping scotch in front of the fire, basking in his recent personal victory over ESPN. He decides he should call his friend and former ESPN colleague, Trev Alberts, to share in the triumph. Trev is also–coincidentally–at home, on a Wednesday.

Trev Alberts: (Cough) He-Hello.

Sean Salisbury: HEYYOOO!! Trev, good buddy! It’s me, Sean! The Steak! Have you heard the news?!

TA: News, what news? Is the company finally done with there infatuation with that guy from “The Bachelor”? Are they thinking about giving me another shot?

SS: Huh? Fuck no. What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, wait. I get it. Nice joke, man. Ha, ha. Jesse Palmer. “The Bachelor”. SOOO gay. They’re all so gay. I forgot how funny you are. Yeah, fuck ESPN.

TA: Oh. Yeah. Ha. Ha. What news are you talking about then?

SS: I got out, baby! Sean Salisbury told those dickless bastards to shove it where the sun don’t shine! Just like we always talked about. Just how you told me to do it. I followed your lead. And it was awesome man, awesome. I gave them the whole “Sean Salisbury is his own established brand” line and everything. It was beautiful. Surprised you haven’t read about it on the internet. The whole country is talking about what a big dick I’ve got.

TA: Yeah, well, I only have access to dial-up, and my laptop is like ten years old and runs real slow from all the adware it’s picked up downloading porn.

SS: Dial-up? Ancient laptops? Internet porn? What the hell are you talking about? Are you fucking with me again, Trev? You old dog, you! You know you can’t fool The Steak twice! Dial-up, my ass. We’re our own men, baby! Kings of the world! We can afford Apple Airbooks and mid-to-high range Asian prostitutes! Life is our oyster!

[Five second pause]

TA: Don’t want to suck the wind out of your sails Sean, but things have been a little bleak around here lately.

SS: Bleak? What the fuck are you talking about? You’re living the dream. You’re not under their thumb anymore. Not getting paid less than bonafide retards like Steve Young and Emmitt Smith.

TA: Listen pal, unless your definition of “living the dream” is doing Sodoku puzzles in your bathrobe at 11AM on a weekday, things aren’t going that well for me.

(more…)

Coughlin’s office. Friday before the Giants play the Patriots.

Eli Manning: [Taps on Coughlin’s door] Hey, Coach. You wanted to see me?

Tom Coughlin: Yeah, Eli. Sit your ass down. And dammit son, next time don’t knock on my door like such a pussy. When you knock on someone’s door, you knock like a man. Two raps. Like this [bangs twice on desk].

Eli: Sorry. I’ll work on it.

Coughlin: You think Tom Brady knocks like a homo? Do you? No. Brady knocks with authority. Geezus, it’s official. We’re going to get the shit kicked out of us tomorrow night.

Eli: Yeah, the Patriots are really good. They’ll probably go undefeated and win the Super Bowl. That would pretty much make them the best team ever.

Coughlin: Why don’t you just jerk them all off while you’re at it, dipshit? You think I don’t know they’re good? Of course they’re good. I called you in here because I talked myself into believing I might be able to fire you up enough before the big game to inspire the rest of the team…Now that I’m looking at you I’m 100% confident we’re fucked.

Eli: [Confused] Am I even going to play? I figured with us having a playoff spot locked up and everything…

Coughlin: You don’t want to play?

Eli: [Scratches back of head] I mean, not really. Like I said, they’re really good. And I thought it might be a good week for me to rest. My thumb’s kind of bothering me. And Lorenzen has looked pretty good in practice. And since they’ve already won 15 games and so many Patriots fans are going to be in the Meadowlands, I figured we’d just let them get the W. Oh, and Randy Moss is on my fantasy team…

(more…)

Meeting for the first in New York, days before the Heisman Trophy ceremony.

Tim Tebow: Hey, Colt. How’s it going?

Colt Brennan: Oh. Hey, Tim. Glad to see you made it.

Tebow: Yeah, um, you too…

Brennan: Listen, let me clear the air on that stuff Coach Jones said. He was just trying to go to bat for me since I’m so awesome but play at 3 AM and people aren’t fully aware of my awesomeness. Nobody thinks you’re a “system” quarterback.

Tebow: Totally understand. No hard feelings. I mean, if “system quarterback” means scoring at will, winning the Heisman, and having a massive cock that swings in and out of sorority houses in Gainesville, then that’s a title I’m happy having.

Brennan: Good. Glad you understand. Just because you’re about as accurate as my grandma with cataracts doesn’t mean you can’t get paid on the next level. My uncle’s a pro scout, and he says the league loves guys who’ve been tackled a million times in college and can’t throw a slant route.

(more…)