We hand out superlatives for the weekend that was.

Achievements in Awesomeness

Kobe Bryant. Over a rather non-eventful weekend, Kobe went for 52, single-handily beat the Mavericks in overtime, and re-established himself as the league’s best player. All of this while his finger is falling off. Avery Johnson said it best after the game: “We gave him a single look, then we double-teamed him, then we gave him a triple-team and he split the triple-team and scored.”

Sure, Kobe’s a reclusive weirdo who lacks media savvy and married his girlfriend the day she graduated high school, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to respect what he does on the court!

Redefining Suckiness

Coach K’s 800th Win. We have no beef with what Mike Krzyzewski has accomplished at Duke. Anyone who can establish a premier basketball program at a small private school in Durham comprised primarily of Asian females deserves some accolades.

What sucks is the media treatment (continual sloppy head), Krzyzewski’s hardwood hypocrisy (best mocked here), and Duke consistently winning games in decisively shady fashion, getting calls like the one DeMarcus Nelson got in closing out the 800th win. WTF is a hook?

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We hand out superlatives for the weekend that was.

Achievements in Awesomeness

Tennessee v. Memphis. Rarely does a game this hyped, pitting #1 and #2 against each other, deliver like this one did. The feat is especially remarkable when you consider the prominent involvement of the state of Tennessee. Sure, it wasn’t always pretty, but we defy you to name a more intense game ever played in February.

As a result of the Vols victory:

• A school known predominately for Tee Martin and women’s basketball is the #1 college hoops team.
• Hetero man crushes on Bruce Pearl are at an all-time high.
• The vast majority of college basketball fans view free throw percentage to be more important than John Calipari does.
• The NBA is drooling over Derrick Rose.
• And we can all safely say we wouldn’t bone Priscilla Presley for less than five figures.

Redefining Suckiness

Klitschko v. Ibragimov. Outside of our boy JB being in attendance and spending his entire night attempting to let Osi Umenyiora know he thinks pooping on chicks is cool, this fight was about as satisfying as a calloused handjob.

Klitschko is Ukranian, which means he’s boring. Ibragimov is a Russian boxer who bears a striking resemblance to your office janitor, not so much Ivan Drago. The fight boiled down to Klitschko poking his way to a judges’ decision over a guy who’s entire arsenal consists of a 3AM haymaker.

And to top it off, prior to the main event, HBO aired a week old match instead of the undercard where John Duddy–big on heart, low on talent–managed a win despite having both eyes split open like fresh cantaloupes. First “John from Cincinnati” and now this? HBO, you’re officially on notice.

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Editor’s Note: Going forward we will dedicate “Case of the Mondays” to recapping the awesome and non-awesome aspects of the weekend that was.

What Was Awesome

Dwight Howard. The dude reached unforseen levels of awesomeness Saturday night.

Even when the slam dunk and three point contests collectively sucked balls for roughly a decade (dudes like Fred Jones and Desmond Mason were taking home the dunk trophy), Saturday night of All-Star weekend was still infinitely better than any other part of the televised festivities. And this past Saturday our boy Dwight Howard took the event to a new stratosphere while establishing himself as the one legitimate challenge to Lebron for NBA mega stardom. Dwight’s agent has to be walking around with a perma-erection.

And, as an added bonus, TNT’s coverage included Charles Barkley discussing pertinent topics like: what cranberry juice looks like without vodka in it; whether Kenny Smith is a certifiable asshole for taking bathroom breaks during the broadcast; how Karl Malone is the third best power forward of all-time behind himself and Tim Duncan; and how to pick winners (Howard and Kapono as locks in their respective competitions) when no one will take a bet with you because they think you have a gambling problem.

We’re currently mapping out our plan for Alabama residency by 2014 so we can vote for Chuck.

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A lot of people feel like shit this morning. The following feel especially craptastic.

The Barber Twins a.k.a. Tiki and Ronde

These two shmarmy assholes made a media play to get some “twin pub” by taking shots at the Giants only to get bested by a quarterback with the charisma of day old corpse and a hundred pound wide receiver.

Way to go Barbers. You two really are meant for bigger and better things. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer pair of UVA grads.

Side Note: Ronde has a slightly worse Case of the Mondays since he’s known as “the Barber twin with the big nose”. Sucks for him. Twins are weird.

Steely McBeam

Life is tough enough when you spend every day breaking barriers as the NFL’s first homosexual mascot, but when the team you represent blows their 4th quarter comeback by running a QB sweep with a guy who can’t even stay upright on a motorcycle, it can almost be too much to take.

Don’t be surprised to hear reports of Steely drinking himself to death in one of the many assorted gay bars in Pittsburgh over the next few weeks . “Steel Alley” is our best guess at place of death.

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This morning a lot of people feel like shit, but the following people feel especially craptastic.

The Guy Who Laid an Egg When His Girlfriend Showed Up

Tony Romo’s lady friend appeared in a suite at Texas Stadium yesterday afternoon, and he promptly choked away home field advantage for his team and fantasy championships for thousands of guys who have nothing else to live for.

With so many external factors it’s difficult to pinpoint what exactly did Romo in, but if we had to guess it was one of the following:

He Made Eye Contact with Jessica’s Creepy Dad. And was then unable to shake the feeling that Joe Simpson had snuck a nanny cam in his and Jessica’s hotel bedroom the night before.

He Spotted Jessica on the Jumbotron. And noticed she was doing her best Britney impersonation, looking remarkably beat-down and rocking a silly version of his jersey on national television. He became so preoccupied with developing tactics to end the relationship he couldn’t call an audible or check off a safety.

He Heard That Jessica Alba is Knocked Up. And was devastated because Alba is next on the ‘Romo To-Do List’. Who the fuck is Cash Warren anyway?

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This morning a lot of people feel like shit, but two NFL players feel especially craptastic.

Anthony Smith

To summarize, Steelers’ Safety Anthony Smith guaranteed a win against the Patriots only to go out on Sunday and be made to look like the worst player in the NFL. The Patriots victimized Smith with a devastating attack of flea flickers and play action passes designed solely to make him look retarded. You may have mistaken Smith for playing drunk the majority of the game.

Smith had the added bonus of Randy Moss repeatedly telling him we was going to “shake his dick” at him, and then Randy promptly doing just that.

Two lessons to be learned here. 1) The guaranteed win is lame, played out, and deserving of a career-defining kick to the balls. And 2) Don’t fuck with the devil. In this case Belichick. It’s well documented that the guy is pure fucking evil. Those who incite his wrath get what they’re asking for.

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After a particularly brutal weekend that delivered more than one kick to the balls, here’s your top 5 Cases of the Mondays:

5. Andy Reid

Two words: A.J.–numbnuts–Feeley.

Well, maybe that’s somewhere between three and four words–depending on how you account for initials–but any way you slice it, that pick-throwing cyborg has Andy Reid wishing he had more quarterbacks like his kids this morning.

Andy’s comments: “What can you say about the guy? He puts the ball where only the defensive back can get it. By the way, didn’t we ship McFeeley off to Miami? How the fuck is he back on my roster?”

4. Drew Brees

Three minutes away from closing in on making the appalling NFC South interesting, Brees and the Saints run a trick play that promptly doesn’t work and just about as promptly loses them the game to a Tampa Bay team that just this week tried to pick up Maurice Clarett off waivers.

Drew’s comments: “This loss has also brought me to the realization that Mario Williams might not have been that bad of a draft choice, that my wife isn’t getting any hotter, and that not getting this birthmark removed when I was seven may have been the wrong decision.”

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We, the guys who made “Hitman”, are rocking a serious Case of the Mondays.

We spent twice the ad dollars of any movie opening over Thanksgiving and just finished fourth in the box office. Fourth?! Not even in the top three. What the fuck did we do to deserve this?

We got slaughtered by a live action Disney flick about fairy tale time travel starring Patrick Dempsey! You read that right: Dempsey! Fucking Loverboy took us to the woodshed.

And who came in in #2? Not us, that’s for GD sure. Instead–on Thanksgiving weekend, mind you–“Soul Food: Christmas Edition” raked it in. Christmas is over a month away! We’ve got an assassin with a barcode tattooed on his head!

Not to mention we got our asses handed to us by “Beowulf”. How fucking embarrassing. That means a bunch of basement dwelling chronic masturbaters would rather sport public ragers to a digital rendition of Angelina Jolie than see our Hitman spray bullets at bad guys. Talk about disappointment.

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I, Bill Belichick, am having a serious Case of the Mondays.

We lost our second game last night. 9-2 makes me fucking irate. In fact, it makes me home-wrecking irate.

Sure, the way those pussies in the league office score the game, we won, and now we’re 11-0. But I’m not one of those league office pussies, am I? I gauge Patriot wins and losses like a fucking man. ATS. The true barometer of greatness. That’s how I roll.

Sure, 22 was a big number. But so what? We could have covered that shit. Were we not playing a team coached by one of the Superfans? Do Andy Reid’s kids not make Rod Stewart’s kids look like Rhodes Scholars? Was the opposing quarterback not the same ferry that couldn’t satisfy Heather Mitts in the sack?

Dammit! They were asking for a Patriots beatdown! Heather Mitts would be walking funny six days a week if I had anything to say about it! (more…)

I, Kirk Herbstreit, can’t get out of bed this morning. I wore a lame hat all day Saturday on Gameday.

For the record, it wasn’t a beret or a fedora, it was a twenties-style driving cap. I’ve seen Brad Pitt wear the same kind and everyone thought he was money.

Too bad my audience is a bit more  judgmental and homophobic than Brad’s. I’ve been getting text messages since Saturday morning telling me, “A gay French dude called and wants his hat back.”

I should have seen it coming. I told Sandy in wardrobe that I wanted to spice things up a little bit, and she said she had the perfect thing for me. Dammit, that cap was a fucking terrible idea. I might as well have tattooed, “Don’t Pull As Much Poon At The Sorority Houses Lately” on my forehead. I may have set back my systematic domination of cheerleaders and coeds across the country back a few years.

But hey, it’s not a big deal. Right? I’m still the same Kirk, right? It’s not like I’m having a midlife crisis. Brad Pitt’s not having a midlife crisis, is he? No, of course not. I was just maintaining my rep as the hip one on the show. I’m still the same guy.

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