The incomparable Tony Romo not only threw out the first pitch at yesterday’s Cubs/Diamondbacks game, but he also did his best Sinatra impersonation when leading the crowd to Take Me Out to the Ballgame (above).Romo was promptly booed by Cubs fans for a cornucopia of reasons, some of which are:

• Romo does not play for the Bears.
• Romo refused to button his Cubs jersey.
• Kyle Orton would have been supremely more bad ass.
• Romo’s super lame “Uh 1, uh 2, uh 3…” to open Take Me Out.
• Everyone is a downgrade after Marissa Miller.
• Romo went to Eastern Illinois, and no self respecting Cubs fan gives a shit about Eastern Illinois.
• 9 out of 10 Cubs fans surveyed own a Carrie Underwood album.

[Source: FanHouse]

BQ receives a Browns team email in his hotmail inbox (thehotternflbrady@hotmail.com). It’s the Browns’ 2008 schedule. He coughs up 3 grams of concentrated whey protein from his Myoplex shake he’s so excited.

Here’s a sample of his internal monologue:

Week 1 - Dallas

OH HELLLLLLLLLZ YESSSSSSS!

I will DEFINITELY be starting by then. And even if Coach Crennel tries to cock block me, my psychic adviser said Derek will only play two series this whole season. Probably means career ending injury opening game versus the Cowboys. Sucks to be him.

Hot Dizzamn, I can’t wait to finally show Romo who the better stage singer, er, quarterback is…

Week 2 - Pittsburgh

Night Game! Tons of BQ talk! It’s gonna be like finally starring in my own primetime drama.

GAWD I hope I get the opportunity to drop the Roethlis-TURDBURGLER line in an interview…

Week 3 - @ Baltimore

Man, Kyle Boller better be starting for them then. He’s like the only guy in the league I can get away with calling gay…

Week 4 - @ Cincinnati

The battle for the greatest state in land. Tough game, but we win and prove once and for all Cleveland is less shitty than Cincinnati.

Week 5 - BYE

Banana Daiquiris on BQ!

Week 6 - NY Giants

Note to self: Remember to make “Giant Killers” reference in post-game press conference. That one is so baller…

Week 7 - @ Washington

Please let Tom Cruise be in the owner’s box. Please let Tom Cruise be in the owner’s box. Please let Tom Cruise be in the owner’s box…

(more…)

Cosmo named and honored Tony Romo and a bunch of other dudes yesterday as Fun Fearless Males of 2008. And if that award doesn’t already sound lame enough, the other honorees included John Mayer AND Dane Cook. Things undoubtedly got a little weird at that after party seeing that both Mayer and Cook (and probably Common) have banged dated Romo’s girlfriend, Jessica Simpson.

We’d like to tell you we just made all that up, but it’s a true story and we’re not that clever. We are clever enough however to compile a list of the ten most frequent Tony Romo thoughts throughout the Cosmo festivities.

• “Never listening to my publicist again when she tells me something ‘will really open some doors for me.’”

• “If either of those turds gives me the ‘what’s my dick taste like?’ look I will sodomize them both in front of this entire party.”

• “Man, it’s a good thing Jessica’s tits are huge.”

• “Waiting on the World to Change is the worst fucking song ever made.”

• “If I murdered Dane Cook and dumped his body in the East River would I even get in trouble?”

• “At least these dudes are taller than that midget Lachey.”

• “Tony, get a grip! Quit fucking picturing John Mayer’s ‘O’ face! Quit! Dammit, Tony! Mind over matter!”

• “At least if I get caught in an awkward conversation I can bring up what a creepy old bastard Joe Simpson is.”

• “Does Cosmo still do those articles on kamasutra and the revitalizing affects of semen?”

• “How much hot Dallas ass could I have plowed through just in the time it took me to fly to and from New York?”

(more…)

In the latest chapter of The Romo Chronicles, some loser male friend of Jessica Simpson’s reveals to Us Weekly that he anticipates Tony and Jessica being engaged in no time.

To further add fuel to the speculation fire, we made up stumbled upon this Pros and Cons list Tony put together when deliberating whether to get engaged.

Pros and Cons to Marrying Jessica Simpson

by The Starting Quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys

Pros:

• Would have to spend more time with her dad. Fuck, wrong column.
• Not capitalizing on poon potential when QB of America’s team. Fuck, did it again.
• Jess has huge bombs.
• Might give me a better chance to cover Journey songs with Mr. B again.
• Even more Tony on the red carpet.
• Fans wouldn’t give me shit about my wife being at the game, right? It’s only when it’s the girlfriend, right?
• That Proactiv deal is surprisingly profitable. And the shit works!
• Always wanted to be a spring groom.
• Would have to spend more time with Pete Wentz. Fuck, I’m retarded.

(more…)

The Cleveland Plain Dealer (the most awesomely named paper ever) reported this morning that a man in Columbus, Ohio made a 911 call around 2:30 AM New Year’s Day because Brady Quinn and his friends were screaming gay slurs and trying to fight him.

This story is going to be everywhere shortly, and we don’t feel like typing excessive amounts, so here are the details you need to know:

Brady Quinn, and friends, New Year’s night, Columbus, Ohio, a Mexican joint called La Fogata Grille, too many SoCo & Lime shots, in the parking lot because it took so long to split up the tab, verbal altercation starts with gay dudes, gay dudes get concerned for safety, call cops, some people arrested, Quinn not arrested, Quinn may have called someone a “faggot”, everyone goes home.

That’s about as close as we’re ever going to get to reporting. Now what we’re good at, the commentary.

Questions That Must Be Asked:

Why the fuck did Brady Quinn spend New Year’s in Columbus, Ohio?

Are we sure Brady wasn’t just being playful with another cute dude? Have you seen the guy on stage with Poison? Or at his sister’s wedding reception? Or in an interview? You do the math.

Does La Fogata Grille seem like an ironic place for all this to go down to anyone else?

How bullshit would you be if you knew you were spending New Year’s with a first round NFL quarterback and you ended up splitting a tab at a Mexican restaurant?

What kind of high security containment facility is the La Fogata Grille parking lot that so many people were scared for their safety? Do sidewalks or cabs or cars or any other medium for escaping a parking lot not exist in Columbus?

Over/Under on how many times “Do you know who you’re talking to?” was dropped during the altercation? 10? 20?

Stay tuned for the next chapter of the Brady Quinn Chronicles…

[Sources: The Big Lead, Cleveland Plain Dealer]

We can safely say we underestimated Tony Romo’s ambition when it comes to the ladies. After short–and most assuredly bonerific–stints with Carrie Underwood and Sophia Bush we assumed Romo was just enjoying the spoils that go along with being a Pro Bowl quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.

But that no longer appears to be the case.

With the recent news of Romo’s Thanksgiving with Jessica Simpson, it’s become evident that the guy is on a quest that’s as noble and arduous as any we’ve ever seen. A quest to conquer as much hot celebrity poon as humanly possible while he is still relevant.

We wholeheartedly support what Romo’s doing so we’ve compiled our top 5 list of chicks for him to consider as his next target.

5. Vanessa Minnillo

It’s fairly apparent that Romo is in the Bring-Nick-Lachey-Back-Down-To-Earth business, so where better to start than adding a Minnillo notch to his belt.

Level of Difficulty/Awesomeness: 7 out of 10.

Romo’s Reaction to the Minnillo nomination: “98 Degrees is a pretty gay name, even for a boy band.”

(more…)

Have you been wondering whatever happened with Tony Romo’s fling with Carrie Underwood? No? Us either.

But regardless of who’s interested (not us, too cool), EW is reporting that Romo ended it, because as Carrie herself put it:

“‘At one point it seemed like that’s where it was headed,’ she says, ‘but point blank, he is about football. I don’t know if it’s that I’m not quite his type or whatever, but I don’t think he’s at the point in his life where he would be willing to sacrifice football. He hated so much that people thought that he was paying more attention to me and that was causing him to not do well.’”

OK. Busted. We aren’t going to sugarcoat it any longer; we’re starting to feel a serious hetero man crush brewing.

We’ve done our best to job on Romo from our inception. You know all the reasons: Attending Eastern Illinois. Judging Miss Universe. Unfathomable Ascension to Cowboys’ Starter. Botched Snap. Name Rhymes with “Homo”. We could go on.

(more…)

Just when we thought we’d reached the pinnacle of Brady Quinn awesomeness yesterday, we see the below video posted on KSK.

We don’t want to ruin anything for you. But to get you primed with excitement, here are the major themes of the video: Brady Quinn mastering homo-eroticism, a Poison concert in the 21st century, Brett Michaels in a Cleveland jersey, and thousands hundreds of adoring fans.

After this video revelation, we may officially have to off ourselves. Awesomeness has achieved unforeseen heights and we are no longer needed.

Three of our favorite sports blogs (Deadspin, The Big Lead, and KSK) have understandable infatuations with the life and times of Brady Quinn. The guy is just the gift that keeps on giving. He’s pretty much Kato Kaelin as an NFL QB.

Think about the comedy that’s accompanied Brady Quinn over the last six months. First, you have the guy’s overall awesomeness and ugly girlfriend on draft day, then you have the buddy crotch grab photos that leaked, then the Village People routine photos from AJ Hawk’s wedding reception that leaked, and now you have the back stage gun show photo with Brett Michaels (courtesy of Mondesishouse.com and the Brett Michaels’s homepage). If a photo of Brady in a full storm trooper costume getting an autograph from Mark Hamill emerges, we will commit suicide because life as we know it will have reached its pinnacle.

We’re sure this definitely won’t be the last time you see the above picture, but Every Rose Has It’s Thorn is pretty much the greatest song of all time, so the hell if we weren’t going to post this pic ourselves.

Keep rockin’ Brett, keep rockin’. And Brady, you beautiful bastard, you just keep being you, the rest will handle itself.

Tony Romo has officially transcended the ranks of Ironic Sports Novelty to Full Time Superhero Persona as far as we’re concerned. Going forward, he will be referred to as The Panty Dropper or TPD as far as this site goes.

The Panty Dropper’s latest development you may ask? Oh, just kicking Carrie Underwood to the curb so he can (wink, wink, grabs his nuts) concentrate on football. That’s right. Concentrate on Football. We’re sure TPD’s angle when playing this card in June has nothing to do with his personal checklist of grade A pop star/cheerleader/actress/beauty queen ass he plans to run through the remainder of the summer. No, it’s all about football. Romo, you beautiful son of a bitch, you. You officially have two beers coming your way, on us. One just because your last name rhymes with HOMO and it doesn’t even seem to phase you.

Slutty Miss USA better watch out or she may pulling co-spokesperson duty pretty soon. The FanHouse