We weren’t planning on theorizing about the NFL two weeks in a row, but the storylines floating around as we head into Week 2 are all but impossible to ignore.

Conspiracy Theory #1: Eli Manning is Scared Shitless of Jared Lorenzen

On Monday reports hit that Eli Manning might be sitting for at least a month due to a banged up shoulder. As of yesterday, he’s playing this weekend.

Why the quick 180? What happened? A miraculous recovery? Was Eli ever really injured? Is Chris Mortensen just at the point in his career where he feels he can make audacious claims and no one will call him on it?

Not quite. The truth is that the thought of Jared Lorenzen starting for the Giants makes Eli Manning want to crap his pants. Anyone who watched Lorenzen’s tubby ass play at Kentucky knows why. The guy is crazy endearing and possesses all the intangibles that Eli doesn’t.

What would you rather see? A big fat dude with surprisingly quick feet staying alive in the pocket and throwing strikes downfield OR Eli kicking dirt, making his ‘Someone Stole My SnackPack’ face after yet another unsuccessful third and long.

Our guess is that Eli wakes up in cold sweats from dreams where Lorenzen has taken over Matt Leinart’s role in the latest Manning family commercial. The Archie Manning line changed to “I always wanted a three hundred pounder.”

Eli would rather let his arm fall off his body than let Lorenzen see the field.

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NFL Action (real NFL action) starts up tonight with Colts v. Saints, so we decided it would be fitting to touch on Mike Vick one last time and then forget the whole thing ever happened.

Per our internal policy when it comes to over-analyzed, beaten-to-death news stories, we only provide commentary if it’s to 1) discuss a new hard-hitting/mind-blowing angle or 2) haphazzardly sling shit at all the media windbags that won’t let the story die. This time it’s the former.

Here’s the thing on Mike Vick pleading guilty to federal charges: we’re almost 100% certain that if you injected Bobby Petrino with sodium pentothal he would admit to somehow being involved with putting the wheels in motion.

OK, actually, we’re more like 25% certain.

But think about it. What mammal What human being benefits more than any other from Vick no longer playing professional football. Anybody? Anybody?

You guessed it, Bobby “Offense Is Why I Breathe” Petrino.

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We spent the majority of last football season pondering what exactly Tony Romo had done in order to achieve an excess of undeserved recognition and success over a relatively short amount of time.

‘Bartered His Soul’ was a an extremely popular theory, but seemed a little played out and contrived for us. ‘Aliens Commandeered His Body’ was also tossed around by many, but his play on the field was never spectacular enough to support it.

Instead–after much deliberation–we decided on the lesser recognized Aladdin Theory to explain Tony Romo’s improbable rise to stardom. The way we look at it, the only logical explanation is that at some point over the last two years Tony Romo stumbled upon a magic lamp and was granted three wishes. The only logical explanation.

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We inadvertently caught some of the movie “Vacancy” the other day. It was painful. Just a shitty movie. We could only think about two things while watching it: 1) How quickly we’d take Kate Beckinsdale to Poundtown if given the opportunity, and 2) What the hell was Luke Wilson thinking.

Thinking about what Luke Wilson was thinking got us to thinking. Luke Wilson seems like an OK dude. We’d have a beer with him. So what’s the reason he signs on for so many undeniably craptastic flicks. We recently read that he’s in the new sure-to-be-miserable Jessica Simpson movie, “Blonde Ambition”, that’s rumored to be going straight to DVD.

Seriously, WTF?

And that’s when it hit us: Luke Wilson doesn’t read scripts. Actually, we’ll take it a step further: Luke Wilson doesn’t read scripts, movie titles, or the part where it says who else has already signed on.

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Let us first make it abundantly clear that we are in no way comfortable dedicating an entire post to John Mayer. We’ve heard from a few sources he’s an OK guy, but we can’t get past him looking like a muppet and making music designed for acoustic guitar playing losers to sing to their girlfriends. So as far as we’re concerned he’s a douchebag.

That being said we feel compelled to write about this dude’s current mission. He hasn’t made it public, but we are almost certain John Mayer is on a quest to slay any famous chick that has ever dated/married any guy that is considered cooler than him.

Seems obscure, right? Maybe. But there’s motive to back it up. Mayer definitely has an enormous chip on his shoulder for being thought of as half a queer by 99% of the heterosexual male population. So now he’s painstakingly devised a plan to hump as many famous chicks as possible in order to vindicate his reputation.

Just today reports have sprung up of Mayer having a gay candlelight dinner with Cameron Diaz just hours after being spotted with Mandy Moore. It appears his intentions are to lay some ground work with Moore so he can pounce on her once she’s out of her current dumpy stage, and in the meantime put the full court press on Diaz before she turns 35 and can officially pass for a dude in male locker rooms.

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This is going to be difficult for all of you faithful out there to believe, but a piece of news we reported the other day turns out to be false. Shocking, we know. The faux pas may put us at risk of not being taken seriously in the hard hitting journalism community. Or it could be the article we ran on the nicknames we gave ugly chicks in college that put us at risk.

Despite various news sources and blogs reporting on Monday that Scarlett Johansson had accepted the lead in the Jenna Jameson biopic How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, it is now being reported that Scarlett has no interest in the film and has not even been approached about it. (Then why’d she agree to do the mock interview with us? Self-inflicted Dagger!)

There’s also been some celebrity gossip floating around that Jessica Simpson was offered the role, but her creepy dad (who may or may not have been one of those evangelical preachers in “Borat”) turned it down for her. Jessica then went on to star in some movie with Dane Cook that looked to be about as funny as pancreatic cancer. We heard that movie actually lost money before it even started filming. First time ever.

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We often get the question: Why do you still care about the NBA?

We never had a good answer until recently, but now we know: the NBA is like one long marathon of really cool movies.

Before you grow concerned, don’t worry, you’ll find zero Eva Longoria/Tony Parker talk here. They’re only getting mention on this site after their divorce is finalized and their sex tape has hit the world wide web (a day we are anxiously awaiting).

In light of the recent NBA officiating scandal, we’ve decided to rank our favorite all-time NBA dramas (complete with screenplays). Of course, we’ll be basing our rankings on the following criteria: amounts of gratuitous sex, drug use, alcohol abuse, and degenerative gambling, as well as which storyline would make the best movie.

5) NBA All-Star Game Las Vegas

This one tallies pretty high on the sex, drugs, drinking, and gambling fronts. There was a lot of debauchery in Vegas that weekend.

The story centers around the thuggish mass who show up to every All-Star game. This past year they rolled into Vegas with no money. They hung around casinos and didn’t gamble. They went to restaurants and cut out on the bill. And they generally spent the rest of their time terrorizing cabbies, blackjack dealers, and strippers alike. All great stuff. The main negative here is their story is just a big generalization, lacking primary characters or events.

How we’d write the screenplay: We’d pen a mock documentary following both a random stripper and Pac-Man Jones in the vein of the movie “Kids”. It would most likely climax with someone ‘Making it Rain’. Guess who.

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We haven’t really touched on “Entourage” since the Relevant Irrelevance column a couple of months ago. For a little while we considered doing a Morning After post every Monday where we broke down each episode, but decided against it after coming to the conclusion that a weekly article tormenting our favorite miscast midget, Kevin Connelly, might get old after a while.

Well, now we’re back to pass judgement on “Entourage” in a way that has nothing to do with Connelly’s inability to ride most roller coasters. This morning we came across the “Medellin” the film website (courtesy of Popoholic). It’s a kind of cool piece of faux marketing for “Entourage” fans. It’s also another glaring example of the show’s underachievement.

First, let us just communicate that we think the “Medellin” concept on “Entourage” is tremendous. We watch the show because of the behind the scenes stuff like this. We love the idea of having our hand held through the production of a low budget passion project/crime biopic. We even really enjoyed the one documentary-esque episode dedicated to the filming in Columbia.

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We’re back from an abbreviated vacation and ready to churn out all the content goodness you’ve become accustomed to. For all of you suckers that were in the office and not busy being cool and tough over the last week (see July 4th post below), we both apologize for not keeping you entertained on a daily basis and offer you a complimentary kick in the balls. You should really know better than to work when we’re not working.

Today, we’re going to get jump started with the rumor/news that’s been floating around the web that today on his radio show Dan Patrick will announce he’s leaving ESPN.

We don’t listen to Patrick’s radio show because it is nauseatingly lame. We’re talking Mike & Mike lame. It’s like purposely tuning to a radio show to listen to the boring relative you feel obligated to have a conversation with at Thanksgiving.

But we can’t deny that the guy is semi-important to us. Patrick, Olberman, and Kilborn WERE SportsCenter during our formidable years. And we think just about every hetero male our age feels the same way.

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The day after “The Sopranos” finale we were definitely one of the few places out there that didn’t have any big gripe with the way the show ended. Seeing that we’ve closed down many a late night at seedy bars to the soundtrack of Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing, we even went out of our way to applaud the choice of the closing song. How many times in life does your final memory of one of your favorite shows get tied to a song that you associate with bouncers tossing you on your ear and getting shot down one last time by that chick with a boyfriend?

Needless to say, we think Don’t Stop Believing is awesome. Over the years, it’s probably been the closest thing to a theme song that Team Cool & Tough has had. We know a lot of you out there feel the same way. It’s awesome for the same reasons that anything from the 80’s is awesome: it’s fairly obscure and you’re being more than a little ironic when celebrating it and Journey’s greatness.

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