In anticipation of the NFL Draft tomorrow, Team Cool & Tough engaged in our first mock draft this week. Our primary goal was to see if we could possibly pull off something like this on a regular basis without every time turning into a Courtney Love-esqe incoherent mess.

Of course, Booth organized, so we did the whole thing with no draft order and no real guidelines, except that you can’t suck or draft logically. Some failed, some didn’t participate, and some got righteously confused.

Participants included: Maske, Booth, Proto, Big Sexy, Toast, Big Slim, and SMac. The remaining members of Team C&T were far too intimidated by the other participants’ staggering professional football knowledge to partake. It went something like this:

#1: Dolphins - pick by Maske

Since I’m the closest thing to a Dolphins fan on this bitch AND they already signed Jake Long, I’m going to get fucking loco and take Jake Long. Long as in Dong!

Pros:

1. Safer than a treasury bond.
2. Wins the battle of the Longs, beating out that other silver spooned Long.
3. He had zero to do with Special Teams in the App State game.

Cons:

1. This pick is about as sexy as Booth’s mom’s underpants.

Jake Long off the board, bitches!

Pick: Jake Long

#2: Rams - pick by Proto

Ryan Clady. The Rams need a standout OT to keep Bulger from breaking his ribs and to open holes for my boy Steven Jackson in the Lambda fantasy football league. Booyah!

Pick: Ryan Clady

#3: Falcons - pick by Big Sexy

Matt Ryan, Boston College.

Reason: The Falcons need EVERYTHING and this pick makes me laugh the most.

Just the thought of Matt Ryan and Toast trying to co-habitate in the same city makes me giddy. If they ever end up at the same bar, party, little league game, etc. I will personally give $1,000 to whoever starts feeding Toast bourbon.

Also, all Atlanta draft picks should be ranked on the BSMP Scale (Big Slim Mancrush Potential). Ryan ranks the highest (Boston, ambiguous sexuality, athlete, etc.) so that’s who the Falcons should take. Can’t you see Big Slim meeting Ryan out one night and then trying to convince everyone he’s cool? “Dude, he’s a really cool guy and he pulls mad chicks.” This would closely be followed by Toast stabbing Big Slim with a broken Jim Beam bottle. We would have our first Team Cool and Tough murder which would give us WAY more street cred. Thank me later mother fuckers.

Pick: Matt Ryan

#4: Raiders - pick by Toast

I would actually like to see Matty Ice drafted by the Falcons. It would doom his career to mirror Heath Shuler’s. On top of that watching him get crushed by Julius Peppers and Gaines Adams twice a year each would be an added bonus.

At #4 Oakland takes…Chris Long. Reasons: 1) Howie, and 2) I don’t think Al Davis is smart enough to take McFadden.

Pick: Chris Long

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