Dr. Jekyll’s back for the second installment of my public service announcement outlining critters that no one wants to wake up with. I hope last time made at least a slight impact on your decision making when it comes to double bagging your groceries.

Today, we’ll finish what we started by going over the Sammy Sosas of STDs. The ones that just won’t quit. That’s right folks, this second installment is dedicated to the “Woke Up with This Tattoo” category. It features two STDs that will continue to rear their ugly heads throughout adulthood and your married life (but hopefully you won’t be married to the same chick who gave you el permanente).

Once again, I’ll give you the good, the bad, and the ugly of each. Power Rankings included. AIDs is a 10 out of 10 if that helps as a point of reference.

“Woke Up with This Tattoo”

Genital Warts and Herpes

How To Avoid Catching Them: It’s arguable whether these bad boys are contagious while dormant in the person you’re looking to bump uglies with. But for our discussion, we’ll focus on the facts. No matter how drunk you are, if you inspect the field before playing ball, you should be in good shape. That doesn’t mean you have to take a up close examination (unless you’re into that sort of thing), just don’t rough shot blindly. I’d suggest you warm up the car manually and if you notice any serious bumps get the hell out of there. These diseases are not easily treatable and if you catch one your chances of shagging something decent or disease-free in the future will be completely dependent on your immune system and/or your Valtrex prescription.

1. Genital Warts (Human Papilloma Virus) - 2 out of 10

These guys look nasty, and can get seriously out of hand. However, their bark is much worse than their bite.

The Good News: Only passed by skin to skin contact. Have the potential to go away and never come back. Painless.

The Bad News: Removal can be painful. We’re talking freezing them off or burning them off with lasers. The bullshit sold over the internet doesn’t work, playa. So don’t go banking on that. They may return, especially when the immune system is under extreme stress. You can also get them orally, which is really fucking gross.

The Ugly News: Seriously disturbing when in full outbreak. Can take over the whole anal scene like a rapper and his entourage. May change your reputation, forever, even after they’ve come and gone. Once someone hears your name and Genital Warts in the same sentence there really is no going back.

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Dr. Jekyll here with a column chocked full of friendly medical advice.

I’m going out on a limb and guessing the majority of you suffer from questionable morals. Not too much of a stretch seeing that several of you have my cell number and call me at untimely hours with questions about rashes and burning urination.

But I’m not here to judge. It’s not my business what closing time trash you picked up last Saturday night, or the latest war pig Booth got to buy him dinner. I’m as guilty as anyone. Instead I’m here to pass along helpful medical wisdom to use when combating one of our greatest collective foes: The Sexually Transmitted Disease.

To keep things simple, I break down STDs in three major categories: “My Life is Over”, “Off My Feet for a Week”, and “Woke Up with This Tattoo”, and give each individual disease a 1-10 seriousness score.

Today we’ll go over the “Off My Feet for a Week” and next time we’ll touch on “Woke Up with This Tattoo”. Since the “My Life is Over” category just includes HIV and AIDs, and both are not only deadly, but also lack comedy entirely, we’re going to skip over those altogether.

“Off My Feet for a Week”

Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Trichomoniasis, Syphilis, and Phthirius Pubis.

Possible Companionship When You Have One of the Above: There’s a 50/50 chance you got one of these from someone you held so dearly after half a handle of Beam. These diseases are easily treatable, just follow the Ol’ Doc’s advice and take your week’s worth of antibiotics.

Your chances of hooking up again will only be limited to the size of your wallet or how fucking ugly you are.

1. Chlamydia - 5 out of 10

This little guy is number one on the list and number one in our pants. 7-21 days after exposure you may see symptoms.

The Good News: Easily treatable. Test for it using the urine test (avoid the swab test, trust me). Not passed along by sucking face or sharing toilet seats.

The Bad News: 50% of people have undetectable symptoms. Passed by oral sex, missionary position, and anal sex. May infect eyes, mouth, dick, and anus.

The Ugly News: White/cloudy/watery discharge from your dick. Pain/burning while pissing. Testicular pain/testicular swelling. If left untreated may cause infertility in men and women.

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I am sure you have heard the expression, “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” Well, this has never been truer than in the case of the handjob.That’s right, the handjob. Its recent revival in spite of naysayers is quickly making it a thing of legend. I am sure you have read or heard stories regarding its existence. Some people enjoy it, most people dislike it. I hate it.

I am not one of those guys who thinks it’s fun or much of an accomplishment for some girl to grab my taser and attempt to mug it. Most of you have probably experienced the hammering of wrapped fingers around a sensitive area. Almost all of us have. It’s like a right of passage in middle school. And that is exactly the point, it belongs in the analogs of early adolescence, where experimenting is everything, where tackling new tasks (like removing a bra while sucking face) is acceptable, where ignorance and inexperience is bliss. The handjob is a crude reminder of just how uncomfortable some encounters with the other gender can truly be.

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