If you’re new to NextRound, last year I got fired from my job, which turned out to be an awesome story, but rather detrimental to my financial well being. After almost a year of unemployment I’ve finally landed a new gig.Let that sink in for a moment. Let it marinate. Let the shock subside…

Alright, now let’s continue.

While I wasn’t looking for a job I accomplished a lot.

1) I ate a ton of McDonald’s (because it’s cheap and delicious), which in turn made me pretty fat, like 230 lbs.

2) That’s about it…I wish I could say I did something productive over the last year, like learn a foreign language or something, but if you think I would put that kind of effort into anything useful you obviously haven’t been paying attention or you’re a new reader.

Everyone wants to know one thing: How did I survive financially?

Well, I haven’t made a nickel off this damn website (Maske won’t let me look at the books) and I haven’t seen any return on investment from Palace on a Lake (although I anticipate that changing very shortly). So I did what any red blood American would do: I lit up my credit card and scraped by on a couple good nights at the poker tables.

My lifestyle was pretty basic. I slept about 13 hours a day, ate fast food, and watched A LOT OF TiVO. I guess I could have exercised, but that thought never crossed my mind.

I did learn something useful during my unemployment though, I look way better on paper. When I actually show up in person I’m kind of a disappointment. I realized my academic accomplishments don’t exactly match my personality. Apparently I don’t “exude enthusiasm” in job interviews. That’s probably because I think work sucks balls, but whatever.

Eventually, I did land a job as an attorney. Now, I slave for the man. And it does, in fact, suck balls.

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Sometimes you try to do something really awesome and something really REALLY awesome happens. Other times you try to do something really awesome and Palace on a Lake happens.

If you don’t know the full Palace backstory, you can check it out here and here. If you don’t care that much, I’ll boil it down for you: I decided it would be ultra Cool & Tough if my buddies and I bought into a racehorse. I spread the word that for 500 bucks each we could be horse owners.

My friends wanted in, then friends of friends wanted in, then fathers of friends wanted a piece of the action. I had people I had never met before sending me checks for 500 dollars. The overall mindset was pretty consistent: most dudes think the idea of getting wasted at the track and betting on a horse they own is awesome.

In roughly a week’s time I was mailing a 12.5K payment to Westpoint Thoroughbreds for a 5% ownership interest in a horse called Palace on a Lake.

As you might have put together, things have not gone quite to plan. Here’s a timeline of how I managed to kick myself in the nuts:

June ‘07 - Cool & Tough Racing LLC forms with 26 members. For every 500 dollars invested you receive one voting share in the LLC (some investment savvy individuals decide to buy multiple shares).

July ‘07 - The average number of chicks in bars across the nation who have heard about some dude owning a racehorse begins to skyrocket. There are no documented reports of the racehorse line actually getting anyone laid.

July 7, ‘07 - I get fired from my job. In addition to breaking my balls for getting canned, the guys start to crack jokes that I masterminded a plan that would keep me knee deep in McNuggets for a decade despite not having an income (they were only half kidding).

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Getting out of bed before noon sucks. Reasons?

1) The Alarm Clock

The alarm clock went off and I was still exhausted. My head hurt. I had the most relentless morning rager in history. It sucked. I spent five minutes easing it down. From there I dragged myself out of bed to the shower. I shivered the entire way.

2) Traffic

The only traffic I’m accustomed to is of the midday Taco Bell drive-thru variety. When you’re on the road at 8AM you have to deal with a bunch of jackasses on their cell phones, doing their makeup, or reading the fucking paper. It’s far too early to put up with that sort of bullshit.

3) Mike & Mike in the Morning

I don’t know what sort of radio you listen to, but I’m a sports talk guy. When I’m in the car I pretty much listen to ESPN Radio no matter the time of day. But I must say, Mike & Mike sucks balls. Their whole shtick is that Mike Golic played pro football and Mike Greenberg is a pussy. I get it. It still sucks.

First off, Golic. I question whether Mike Golic ever actually played pro football, because I’m a pretty big sports fan, and I don’t remember a down he was in on. The only Golic I remember was the RA on “Saved by the Bell: The College Years”. I’d listen to his radio show.

Second, Greenberg. I don’t want to hear some guy who makes jokes about cutting back on carbs break down the NFL playoffs. It’s like when that female announcer does play-by-play for the noon college football game on ESPN2. It just feels wrong all around.

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I actually had a job interview the other day.

Since I’m not real good with the whole getting/maintaining a job thing, I asked Team Cool & Tough how to prepare for the interview.

The #1 response was that I shouldn’t waste my time going on the interview because I would suck and not get hired.

At that point, I strongly considered blowing it off, but…

The #2 response was that I needed to prepare answers to the most common interview questions. I really appreciated that some of the guys thought I had it in me to land a job, so I decided to go on the interview. Of course, preparing for questions is stupid, so I decided I would just wing that part.

I carry a Dictaphone everywhere I go. Here’s a verbatim transcript of the interview.

The Interview

Interviewer: Nice to meet you, Mr. Booth. How are you doing?

Me: How the fuck do you think I’m doing? I’m unemployed.

Interviewer: [After one minute pause] Describe some recent goals that you’ve set for yourself.

Me: Goals?

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Normally on Monday morning our readers get to enjoy the Monday Manifesto, but this week Nextround Nation is in for a special treat.

Maske went out of town this weekend, so he asked me to house sit while he is gone. I didn’t feel like writing the Monday Manifesto, so this is what you are stuck with this Monday morning. The following is a running diary of my Saturday:

11:00 – Arrive at the Maske household w/ Big Slim – Despite having a solid Chick-fil-a breakfast in tow, we immediately rummage through the house to see what supplies have been left behind. Kitchen contents:

(1) 12 pack of beer – Miller Lite
(4) 12 packs of assorted soft drinks
(2) Frozen Pepperoni Pizzas – Freshchetta Brand
(multiple) Hot pockets & Chips

11:37 – 1st beer opened…

12:00 – 2nd beer opened… Miami & Georgia Tech kickoff – we were going to watch Illinois v. Iowa but the chick announcer is calling that game. We hate her.

12:22 – 3rd beer opened…

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Before I got fired from my job I use to get up at 6:30 AM on Monday mornings. I had to shave. I had to fight traffic. I had to find a place to park. All that sucked.The worst part for me though was the walk from my car to the office. Each step was painful. I imagine it’s the same uncomfortable dismay felt by many a sorority girl every Sunday morning during their walk of shame back to their house or apartment.

Side Note: I never experienced the walk of shame in college. I was always proud of whatever fatty I bagged.

I don’t want to make it sound like it was all terrible; as soon as I got in the office I would make a killer cup of coffee. All our hardcore fans know how good I am at making coffee.

But now my life is different…

Booth’s New Monday Morning

7:00 AM – Sleeping

8:00 AM – Sleeping

9:00 AM – Sleeping

10:00 AM – Sleeping

10:24 AM – (wake up to phone buzzing) Who the hell would call me this early on a Monday? It’s Maske. He’s calling to discuss the most recent developments at NextRound headquarters. I screen him.

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We bought a Racehorse - Now we get to Race!

If you have not read How to Buy a Racehorse and are unfamiliar with Team Cool & Tough’s equestrian ventures, it’s worth your time to check out the backstory.

We told you how we bought a horse, but there are still a lot of things to be answered. Questions like…

1) Which Horse Did We Buy?

After much deliberation we settled on filly named Palace on a Lake. 

2) Why Palace on a Lake?

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We spend a lot of time talking about hot chicks with our Still Awesome Commentary. Why shouldn’t we? Hot chicks are Awesome. But in honor of the bachelor party in Windsor we’re heading off to this weekend and all the shady dudes that will be in attendance, I thought it would be a good time to give the less attractive women from Team Cool & Tough’s past their due.

Every group of guys likes to give nicknames to the mediocre chicks that their buddies have hooked up with. Team Cool & Tough is no exception.

Before I get to specific nicknames that we’ve tagged girls with over the years, I’d like to provide you with some general naming guidelines:

Lame Adjectives: Fat, Ugly, Overweight, Large – BOOOOO: Get original.

Great Adjectives: Beat Down, Worn Out, Worn Down, Skank, Slut, Whore, Tranny, Slooty, Massive, Enormous, Big Girl, Violent, Wildly, In Heat, Hooker – You get the idea. Be creative.

Good Animal Names: Pig, Moose, Razorback, Rhinoceros, Elephant, Sloth, Wombat, Dead Fish, Gorilla, Manatee, etc.

Outstanding Sports References: Linebacker, Defensive Linemen, Offensive Linemen, Tight End, Catcher, David Wells, etc.

Individually, some of these words are not all that funny, but combine them in clever ways and you’ve created pure comedy gold (ex: “The Violent Pig Beezer made breakfast for”).

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PART I: Booth Gets Fired 

Last Friday I got fired from my job.

NO – not my marketing director position with nextround.net and stillawesome.com. I got fired from my day job. Unfortunately, I didn’t do anything really awesome to get fired, like bone the boss’s wife or get caught drinking at 9 AM or something cool like that. I guess I just sucked.

If you have never been fired here is how the conversation goes when you get fired:

Friday Morning:

Me (Already 20 minutes late to work): “Morning, Bossman. Did anyone make coffee?”  

Boss: “No”

Me: “I have to get some before we get started.”  

Boss: “I need to talk to you before the staff meeting.”

Me: “Alright, let me just grab a cup of coffee.”

Boss: “No, this is important.”

Me: “Alright, what’s up?”

Boss: “This isn’t working out.”

Me: “What do you mean this isn’t working out?”

Boss (after long awkward pause): “We are going to have to let you go.”

Me (a little stunned): “Is it something I did or said?”

Boss: “It just isn’t working out. I will give you a couple of minutes to get your stuff together, then I need your key to the office and your parking card.”

Me: “Aaaah, wait a minute. What about the commissions you owe me?”

Boss: “We will get those to you in a timely manner.”

Me: “Aaaah, are you going to give me any kind of severance or anything?”

Boss: “No, all I need from you is your key to the office and your parking card, after you collect your things.”

Me (trying to think of one last way to fuck this guy over): “Aaaah, okay. First let me get that coffee.”

Whenever put in an awkward situation like this you need to do something weird and unexpected to throw the other person off guard. In this situation, I went and made coffee before I started boxing up my stuff. Coffee in hand, I told my boss I’d be right back with the access card to the parking deck. Except I never came back. I plan to make getting that card back the biggest pain in the ass that bastard has ever experienced.

So after an entire 5 months in the workforce, I am back on the streets. The strange thing is that I am sure I will be ten times busier now than I ever was when I had that shitty day job. Don’t believe me? My current jobs consist of:

Marketing Director for Nextround.net 

Managing Partner for Cool & Tough Racing

Unrepentant Degenerate Gambler

Collector of Unemployment

“I have a job. I mean, I don’t get paid for it. But it is my job.” — Ben in “Knocked Up”

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Why Gambling On Horses Is Fun:

The morning after a massive night of pretending that I am still 10% as awesome as I used to be in college, I crawled to the couch and cracked open my laptop just in time for the third race at Pimlico. Big Slim had miraculously beat me out of bed that morning so I was stuck on the shitty couch.

Not a big deal though because Big Slim has the uncanny ability to pick winners strictly based on the name of the horse. No odds necessary. Before I was done reading him the names of all the horses running in third race, he said, “I don’t know how you don’t go with Diabolical in this spot.” I then proceeded to tell him what a retard loser he was for not paying attention to all the names and all the odds.

Diabolical then proceeded to win the third race. Dagger!

Big Slim managed to pick me three consecutive winners based on the ‘Money Name Theory’ before he passed out on the couch. I tried my luck at picking the next race based on generally accepted handicapping methods that I have picked up from some pretty seedy bastards with mustaches that I’ve met in Vegas and Tunica.

My horse came in 6th out of 7 horses running. And I think the 7th horse took a break to get a BJ during the race.

I tried to go back to the Big Slim well, but when I woke him up he noticed he had a missed call from some married chick he’s been trying to bone, so he left me solo on the couch. His reasoning was something along the lines of bitches being cooler than horses, but I didn’t really get it.

Needless to say my generally accepted handicapping methods produced zero wins the rest of the day. As a nice kick in the balls, Toast managed to call me about five minutes before the Preakness asking me to put a bet in for him. He was in the NYC with our boy JB, and instead of taking them to the off-track betting site JB was supposed to be leading them to, they had ended up at a massage parlor.

Being the outstanding friend that I am, I placed Toast’s two bets of 1) Curlin to win the Preakness, and 2) Curlin and Street Sense to hit the Exacta.

They both won. And that, my friends, is why gambling on horses is fun. Where else can you help your friends win money and also toss around terms like Exacta?

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