PART I: Booth Gets Fired

Last Friday I got fired from my job.

NO – not my marketing director position with nextround.net and stillawesome.com. I got fired from my day job. Unfortunately, I didn’t do anything really awesome to get fired, like bone the boss’s wife or get caught drinking at 9 AM or something cool like that. I guess I just sucked.

If you have never been fired here is how the conversation goes when you get fired:

Friday Morning:

Me (Already 20 minutes late to work): “Morning, Bossman. Did anyone make coffee?”

Boss: “No”

Me: “I have to get some before we get started.”

Boss: “I need to talk to you before the staff meeting.”

Me: “Alright, let me just grab a cup of coffee.”

Boss: “No, this is important.”

Me: “Alright, what’s up?”

Boss: “This isn’t working out.”

Me: “What do you mean this isn’t working out?”

Boss (after long awkward pause): “We are going to have to let you go.”

Me (a little stunned): “Is it something I did or said?”

Boss: “It just isn’t working out. I will give you a couple of minutes to get your stuff together, then I need your key to the office and your parking card.”

Me: “Aaaah, wait a minute. What about the commissions you owe me?”

Boss: “We will get those to you in a timely manner.”

Me: “Aaaah, are you going to give me any kind of severance or anything?”

Boss: “No, all I need from you is your key to the office and your parking card, after you collect your things.”

Me (trying to think of one last way to fuck this guy over): “Aaaah, okay. First let me get that coffee.”

Whenever put in an awkward situation like this you need to do something weird and unexpected to throw the other person off guard. In this situation, I went and made coffee before I started boxing up my stuff. Coffee in hand, I told my boss I’d be right back with the access card to the parking deck. Except I never came back. I plan to make getting that card back the biggest pain in the ass that bastard has ever experienced.

So after an entire 5 months in the workforce, I am back on the streets. The strange thing is that I am sure I will be ten times busier now than I ever was when I had that shitty day job. Don’t believe me? My current jobs consist of:

Marketing Director for Nextround.net

Managing Partner for Cool & Tough Racing

Unrepentant Degenerate Gambler

Collector of Unemployment

“I have a job. I mean, I don’t get paid for it. But it is my job.” — Ben in “Knocked Up”

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Why Gambling On Horses Is Fun:

The morning after a massive night of pretending that I am still 10% as awesome as I used to be in college, I crawled to the couch and cracked open my laptop just in time for the third race at Pimlico. Big Slim had miraculously beat me out of bed that morning so I was stuck on the shitty couch.

Not a big deal though because Big Slim has the uncanny ability to pick winners strictly based on the name of the horse. No odds necessary. Before I was done reading him the names of all the horses running in third race, he said, “I don’t know how you don’t go with Diabolical in this spot.” I then proceeded to tell him what a retard loser he was for not paying attention to all the names and all the odds.

Diabolical then proceeded to win the third race. Dagger!

Big Slim managed to pick me three consecutive winners based on the ‘Money Name Theory’ before he passed out on the couch. I tried my luck at picking the next race based on generally accepted handicapping methods that I have picked up from some pretty seedy bastards with mustaches that I’ve met in Vegas and Tunica.

My horse came in 6th out of 7 horses running. And I think the 7th horse took a break to get a BJ during the race.

I tried to go back to the Big Slim well, but when I woke him up he noticed he had a missed call from some married chick he’s been trying to bone, so he left me solo on the couch. His reasoning was something along the lines of bitches being cooler than horses, but I didn’t really get it.

Needless to say my generally accepted handicapping methods produced zero wins the rest of the day. As a nice kick in the balls, Toast managed to call me about five minutes before the Preakness asking me to put a bet in for him. He was in the NYC with our boy JB, and instead of taking them to the off-track betting site JB was supposed to be leading them to, they had ended up at a massage parlor.

Being the outstanding friend that I am, I placed Toast’s two bets of 1) Curlin to win the Preakness, and 2) Curlin and Street Sense to hit the Exacta.

They both won. And that, my friends, is why gambling on horses is fun. Where else can you help your friends win money and also toss around terms like Exacta?

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The summer can be a pretty lonely time for the sports gambler. NBA basketball is damn near unpredictable and betting baseball seems so convoluted and degenerate that it’s difficult to take the idea seriously.

That is unless you have a solid system you follow that simplifies what you’re looking for when wagering on baseball. And that’s where we come in: our baseball system drastically simplifies picking games and has gotten us through several summers with a little more (and no less) change in our pockets.

Of course, the system does nothing to help with you feeling like a degenerate for gambling on baseball. That one’s on you, pal. Just ask our boy Pete Rose (or that piece of ass getting his autograph).

Basic Premise

Vegas sportsbooks make their money off the juice.

If you don’t know what “juice” or “vig” is, I don’t think this article is your cup of tea, but just in case you are going through a midlife crisis and need to pick up a bad habit to make yourself feel better about being old, here is a short explanation:

If a person places a $110 bet on the 49ers to beat the Falcons by 3 and the 49ers cover the 3 point spread, the person wins $100. However, if the 49ers don’t cover the spread, the person loses the entire $110. The $10 difference is the juice. This is how a Vegas sportsbook profits.

I imagine that if you are reading this article you understand how gambling on football works. But imagine how nice it would be if you didn’t have to pay the juice; you would only have to pick 50% of games correctly to break even. By implementing our Baseball gambling system you only need to pick approximately 43% of the games correctly to break even.

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Now that the Super Bowl is over, it’s time to pick a side: become an NBA fan or spend your evenings watching “Heroes” with Maske.

If you are one of the many who abandoned the NBA when Jordan retired from the Bulls, I think now is a better time than ever to give the NBA another shot. Here are a couple of theories of how to get sucked back in:

JK’s Theory:

Start betting on it.

As far as getting you interested in the NBA, JK is right on here. Gambling on the NBA is about the only way to get yourself geeked up for a Tuesday night game in Portland.

There is a major flaw to this theory though. The NBA didn’t get the nickname “No Bank Account” in Vegas for no reason.

My Theory:

Becoming an NBA fan requires a realization. The NBA is an individual game with individual stars. You’re never going to love the NBA by picking a favorite team and faithfully following their box score day after day. There are too many games and too few teams worth the time and effort. Instead…

Pick Your Boys and Stick With Them

Here are the three guys I follow:

Steve Nash - I never thought I would write that you should watch the NBA because of a 6 foot tall Canadian dude, but this guy is worth the price of admission.

I’ve included this highlight reel in an effort to maintain any street cred after making this sort of a claim about a point guard who used to have to readjust his hair with every dribble, but after watching it a couple of times I’m pretty sure the soundtrack will probably finish off the little street cred I have left.

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College football fans think that college football needs to get rid of the BCS and implement a playoff system.

I think all college football needs is Vince McMahon.

It dawned on me during the second quarter of the National Championship game that the only interesting conclusion to the Gators rout over the Buckeyes would be a WrestleMania-esque type challenge.

Imagine This:

• The Gators celebrating their “national championship” (term used loosely).
• Stadium lights cut off.
• A spotlight roams the stadium and lands in the Gators’ end zone: the entire Boise State football team (in full pads) standing with their arms crossed.
• Jared Zabransky snatches a microphone from Jimmy Johnson and declares that Boise State is the real national champs and calls out Chris Leak and the Florida Gators for being “too chicken” to give Boise a shot at the title.
• Leak responds “Anytime, anywhere.”
• Meanwhile in the background, the WWE announcers provide continuous, high pitch squealing: “Oh My God!,” “Son of a bitch!”, “Can you believe this?”
• The King just can’t believe it.

Finally, McMahon gets on the mic and proclaims: “There you have it, right here, next week on RAW, for the heavyweight championship…OH WAIT, I mean national championship: the Florida Gators v. the Boise State Broncos. No holds barred, steel cage, barbwire match.”

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Click here for Part I

GAMES I HAVE AN OPINION ON

Poinsetta Bowl TCU (-12) v. Northern Illinois O/U 47
Tuesday, December 19th - ESPN2 8 PM

N. Illinois RB Garrett Wolfe has exactly 1900 yards this season going into the bowl game. I have a feeling Wolfe will go over 100 in this game to break the 2000 yard plateau.

TCU has won 7 straight games over sub par competition with their most notable win coming against New Mexico 27-21.

If I had to make a decision I would take N. Illinois 12 in this game, but this is not one of my picks. A major deterrence for me in this game is that I think the public is going to be heavy on the side of Northern Illinois because Garrett Wolfe is the only household name. When the public is one side, I am almost always on the other.

Papajohns.com Bowl South Florida (-4) v. East Carolina O/U 43
Saturday, December 23rd - ESPN2 1 PM

South Florida has won 3 out of their last 4, including wins over West Virginia and Pittsburgh. The one lost came against BCS bound Louisville. South Florida has an extremely stingy defense only giving up 17.8 ppg, in an underrated Big East Conference.

ECU has won 5 out of their last 6 games. ECU only averages 22.8 ppg and only gives up 20.5 ppg.

I like this game to stay under 43 points with both team’s mediocre offenses and talented defenses, but probably not enough to pull the trigger.

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Overview of How to Bet College Bowl Games

Betting bowl games is different than betting college football during the regular season. Keep an eye out for which team “really wants to be there.” Teams coming off a disappointing season or disappointing conclusion to the season may lack motivation. Here’s a few things to keep an eye on:

Coaching:

Coaches treat their bowl game as a must win game. Thus, teams gamble more often by using more trick plays and going for it on 4th down. Also, if a coach has an NFL prospect, the coach will often try to make that player “look good” for the NFL scouts.

Underdogs & Overs:

Historically speaking the underdogs cover in bowl games. Therefore, if you are bored on Wednesday night of bowl week and feel like getting action on the game, but you have no idea which team to bet on, lean toward the underdog.

In general I lean towards the over in bowl games for a couple reasons. First, coaches and teams never say die in bowl games. Second, as mentioned before, coaches are willing to roll the dice a little more often, trick plays, etc. Third, tackling in bowl games tends to suck because of the long lay offs. Finally, if the game happens to go to overtime the game will almost definitely go over. HOWEVER, this year I will have to adjust this strategy somewhat because of the new clock rules implemented this season in college football.

In an attempt to make the bowl guide more manageable, I’ve divided it into three sections: Games I Like, Games I Have an Opinion On, and Games I Wouldn’t Touch with Maske’s Money.

GAMES I LIKE

Las Vegas Bowl BYU (-4) v. Oregon O/U 60
Thursday, December 21st - ESPN 8 PM

BYU has rolled off 9 straight wins on their way to winning the Mountain West Conference. QB John Beck has 30 TD passes this season and the team averages 36.7 points per game.

Oregon has lost 3 straight games coming into this game. Oregon averages 31.3 ppg but more importantly they give up 25.6 ppg.

I like both BYU -4 points and Over 60 in this game. I would not be surprised if BYU gets close to 50 in this game.

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Booth has officially garnered the nickname “Tubbs” after a well received post by JB on the Team C&T board last week. Booth may be referred to as “Tubbs” on a regular basis going forward.

Side Note: the “Tubbs” nickname is in no way related to the awesomeness of Ricardo Tubbs on “Miami Vice” and is in every way related to Booth’s love for McGriddles.

Are you kidding me? I feel obligated to respond to Maske’s (pronounced Mask-EE, by the way) lamentable endeavor at interesting/humorous prose. If you have not read his NextRound Backstory do not squander the ten minutes, they will be lost to you forever.After reading his deplorable sentence structure and indigestible grammar, I found myself reminiscing about that one scene from the end of Billy Madison (you know the one I am talking about). The scene where Adam Sandler is participating in a debate competition, and when Sandler completes his incomprehensible ramblings the debate moderator says, “We are all now dumber for having listened to that.” That is how I feel about Maske’s gibberish.

I must concede that Maske did conceive the idea that eventually I molded into NextRound.net. But, before we venture any further, I think the readers deserve a backstory that is at least slightly grounded in reality, instead of the phantasmal ramblings of a person who believes that there is something even slightly impressive about being the CEO of a two person company.

Sidenote: Did anyone else notice that Maske writes like he is trying to win a Pulitzer Prize? The way he throws around verbs & adjectives that nobody ever uses in normal conversation? In the last couple paragraphs I tried to write like Maske to prove how lame it is to try to sound like a middle aged 12th grade English teacher. I mean who wants to read that crap? (more…)