After a long hiatus Heroes returns to television tonight. Sure, the show reaches a certain degree of nerdiness due to the subject matter, but you have to hand it to the creators for managing to somewhat compensate with satisfactory levels of lady friend action.

One of the scarier propositions to consider when watching Heroes is what it would be like if chicks in real life had superpowers. Take the ladies on the show for example. If they actually had their character’s powers it would pretty much render them undatable.

Ali Larter

Ali has aged nicely since the whip cream bikini days. Good for her. Sure, the front court leaves a little to be desired for most of us, but she’s certainly one of the eye candy highlights on Heroes.

Superpower: Bi-Polar Disorder / Superhuman Strength

The Problem: As a general rule of thumb when messing with chicks who suffer from bi-polar disorder you should hit it and quit it. Attempt to dip into that well twice and — believe us — one way or another an ambulance is getting called. We can’t even imagine how bad things could get if the chick in question had superhuman strength. Would probably make Lorena Bobbitt look like Florence Nightingale.

Kristen Bell

This spunky little tart continues to grow on us despite the realization that we’d probably be weirded out by how freakishly tiny she is if we ever met her in person. Regardless, the elf is asking for it.

Superpower: Shooting Electricity. At People. Or something like that.

The Problem: There’s pretty much zero in it for you if a chick can shoot lightening bolts out of her hands. Sure, you might be able to talk her into a party trick here or there, but the probability of you getting your ass fried in the near future far outweighs the positives.

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First of all, there just aren’t many. Chicks that is. In Batman movies. The male/female ratios is like 10 to 1. And then on top of that it’s hard to argue that the talent pool is anything short of underwhelming. We just have to assume Bruce Wayne’s ladies on the side bring a little more to the table in the eye candy department.

Do not fret though. We made it happen. Sort of…

9) Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes. She has to be included because she’s the only primary character in The Dark Night without a Y chromosome, right? Right? Well, at least she’s supposed to be able to act…AND Heath Ledger is going to rock your face.

8 ) Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. More embarrassing to have on your resume: Batman & Robin or My Super Ex-Girlfriend? Whenever we meet Uma we plan to force feed her champagne and find out.

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We started writing an article focused on what might happen in tonight’s season finale of ‘Lost’, but then we got to thinking about how we’ve just recently come out of the proverbial closet for the show and decided it would be better for our image to take a cooler and tougher approach, something like chronicling the hottest chicks to ever grace an episode.

So here they are. In order of appearance (kind of). The Nine Hottest Chicks Who’ve Appeared on ‘Lost’. Enjoy.

Maggie Grace (as Shannon Rutherford). Shannon’s death at the hands of uber-butchy Ana-Lucia is bar none our number one gripe with the show all-time. We have a standing order to kick JJ Abrams in the balls if we ever meet him.

Evangeline Lilly (as Kate Austen). ‘Lost’s’ matriarch of hotness. Sure, she’s a little tom-boyish and in desperate need of a pair of fakies, but she grows on you like that chick at work with overbite.

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