Talk about your all time backfires…

The “Jump to Conclusions” mat guy must be so embarrassed.

Thank to Big Slim for the tip.

Whenever we’re eventually court ordered to teach one of our illegitimate kids how to ride a bike we’re making them watch this video first. You’ve got to know going in that brakes are for losers.

Now go out and say hi to your mother for us this weekend.

At least this dude attempted something cool while riding the lamest of all lame modes of transportation. He probably should have realized how much god hates unicycles though.

At least he wore a helmet. They prevent cracked ribs, correct?

We’re sure this is fake, but we’ve gotten to the point where we assume all videos not involving someone getting hit in the face with a ball are fake, so whatever. Awesomeness hits at the :25 mark:

We particularly like that the bride AND the priest — both of whom are attempting to ruin the groom’s life — take a fall. All the “Omigods” and “Geezuses” in the background don’t hurt either.

[H/T: Hot Clicks]

Nick Nolte jumped out a window to escape from his Malibu home after it went up in flames on Tuesday. The fire did three million dollars worth of damage to the house while also threatening Nolte’s life. But let this be a lesson to fire. It has just joined the long list of things that have attempted to kill Nick Nolte. And failed.

Other things include:

• Drunk Driving. Nolte drives better drunk than sober.

• Divorce. Three divorces and multiple break-ups would kill most men. Not Nolte. He doesn’t pay child support.

• Making a Terrible Movie with Barbara Streisand. The important thing is he made it off the set with his life.

• Air Travel. When Nolte learned that his plane at an Hawaiian airport had it in for him, he did what any reasonable dude would do: got drunk and passed out in the terminal so he couldn’t fly.

• This Outfit.

• Passing on Han Solo. Nolte was the first choice to play Han Solo but passed on the role because he refuses to talk to guys in bear suits and thinks vests are for the gays.

• Starring in Hulk. Ang Lee’s version of the Hulk was so awful it has killed the careers of just about everyone involved. Except for Nick’s, of course. He rocked your face in Tropic Thunder. Speaking of which…

• Being in the Same Room as Robert Downey Jr. Many speculated that the two working together on Tropic Thunder would be too much combined awesomeness for both to endure. One dead hooker later, both men are alive and well.

(more…)

Population us.

“Oooooh.”

She tried to block it with the ball. But ended up blocking it with her face. Ha ha ha ha ha.

What a dummy.

The brilliance over at Google never ceases to amaze us. Just when you think they’ve become this ginormous corporate behemoth no longer capable of identifying with the small guy, they introduce a new Labs feature to Gmail called Mail Goggles. It’s a simple tool that requires you to do basic math in order to send a late night email, just in case you’re a bit impaired and shouldn’t be sending messages via electronic mail.

The design is practically flawless, because the better you are at math, the less likely you have anyone to send an embarrassing email to. Never call your girlfriend a whore, tell some chick you want to make babies with her, or cross the line on homoerotic comedy over late night emails ever again.

All we ask is that Google adds a component that tells you what a douche you are once you fail the test. Something simple, along the lines of: “Wow. You’re a loser. Go to bed.”

[Source: Official Gmail Blog via Gawker]

What He Does: The Urinal Spitter sidles up next to you at the urinal and proceeds to repeatedly hock loogies at the drain while taking a piss.

How It Affects You: In addition to creeping you the fuck out, the Urinal Spitter’s actions often trigger stage fright, causing you to stand at the urinal for a prolonged period of time in order to take care of business. Every time you get a consistent stream going, he coughs up another phlegm ball and breaks your concentration.

Level of Mind-Numbing Annoyance: 8 out of 10. Putting someone in that close of proximity of urine and saliva simultaneously should be grounds for termination and/or death by stoning.

Cool & Tough Retaliations:

• Sidle up next to him at lunch with a dip can.

• Hire a homeless guy to spit in his urinal.

• Tell everyone in your office that he propositioned you with something about “a glory hole.”

• Kidnap his daughter.

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If you’re going to let your kid shag extra points at high school football games, we really can’t stress enough the importance of teaching them how to catch. Thanks to the entire stadium witnessing this, some genius taping it, and us introducing the video to the masses, this kid is pretty much guaranteed to be scarred for life. Enjoy.

Washington Redskins owner — and renowned little bitch — Dan Snyder has apparently made a bet to where he’ll do his best excited jock impersonation on national television every time the Redskins win a divisional game on the road. It’s quite the treat for the viewing audience.

First there was last week’s “We play physical and we win!” locker room celebration after the victory in Dallas…

And then there was yesterday’s 4-1 fist pump bonanza after the win in Philly…

We know we’ve said it before, but just in case you forgot: dorks are the best. We’re already busy putting together a petition for Roger Goodell to make the Redskins travel back to the Meadowlands for their second game against the Giants.