If you’re hitting the beach on the 4th it’s important you stay active and don’t just lay in the sand soaking up sun like some goon whose primary objective is even color. Your primary objective — like on all holidays — should be finding an entertaining way to get drunk.

And while there are plenty of activities to keep you busy at the beach there are only a few that are both enjoyable AND won’t spill your beer. Here are our favorites:

Beach Bocce Ball

The ancient Italian game just as the creators intended, except with a lot more beer and a lot less rules.

The Basics: Divide into groups (single players or two person teams), each represented by a different color ball. Score a point if you toss your colored ball closest to the small white marker ball.

Beverage Compatibility. High. Beer in non-dominate hand at all times. Unless you’re overcompensating for something your beer is rarely threatened.

Chick Ruinage Factor: Medium. Girls will occasionally want to play but unlike a lot of activities they can participate without completely ruining the game.

Overall Score: 5 out of 5. Team Cool & Tough’s beach game of choice. An ideal blend of beach, booze, and competition with the added bonus of unlimited “ball” jokes.

Horseshoes

The old faithful of beer oriented beach activities.

The Basics: If you don’t know how to throw horseshoes, please visit this site.

Beverage Compatibility: High. Limited movement. High fives and aggressive tosses can sometimes lead to spillage.

Chick Ruinage Factor: Low. There’s something about iron horseshoes and iron stakes that keeps the ladies away. You know you’ve got a real clinger if she begs to participate instead of reading US Weekly.

Overall Score: 4 out of 5. Only real negative is being limited to four people, meaning if you suck you could end up sitting out for extended periods of time.

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Palace on a Lake finished a respectable 4th place yesterday in the 6th race at Delaware Park. And yes, there were more than 4 horses.

She of course managed to lose all our wagers in ironic fashion by finishing one spot out of the money, but it was an overall net gain for the good guys since she did win some prize money, enough to keep her in oats for a while, especially since she’s anorexic.

The race itself was an overall good experience. She broke well. Unfortunately, all the early speed was surrounding her right out of the gate. By the time Palace made it to the first turn she was getting squeezed from both sides (don’t think thoughts like that about our horse). She abruptly slowed her pace for a split second and fell back in the pack, which cost her valuable ground. The jockey quickly repositioned and she found her form again. Once she saw a little daylight she turned on the afterburners and closed impressively. She ran down the leaders rather easily but just ran out of time.

I’m still a little shaken by how much her first race mimicked me in the bedroom.

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After a year of horse ownership, Team Cool & Tough’s very own filly, Palace on a Lake, will run today.

I’m trying to make that sound as definite as possible seeing that the last time she was scheduled to race the trainer scratched her due to morning sickness (or a head cold or something equally lame), and then from there he decided to send her on a six month vacation to Florida so she could “learn how to be a horse again.”

(Editor’s Note: In case you’re new to the site and the trials and tribulations of Palace on a Lake we recommend visiting this portion of our archives and starting at the bottom.)

I still don’t understand how a horse forgets it is a horse. The whole thing is perplexing. Are horses like middle school kids that go through identity crises? Was our Palace going through a rebellious Goth stage? Hard to say.

Regardless, as long as she takes her cold medicine, Palace will be running today, July 1st, 2008, in the 6th race at Delaware Park. Post time for the race is 3PM EST. She will start from the 10 position.

If you want to watch the race go to ESPN.com, then:

• Click on the OTHER link along the top of the site.
• Select HORSE RACING from the drop down list.
• Click on LIVE RACING along the top of the horse racing page.
• Click on DELAWARE on the left side.

The overnight line on Palace is 10/1.

Does that read like “Cha-ching! Cha-ching!” to anyone else?

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Having to go out to dinner with his wife’s friend and her husband is the latest installment of the trials and tribulations of the Married Guy…

What Married Guy Says: “Really glad we could get together tonight.”

What Married Guy Means: “I can’t even tell you how much I’d rather spend my Friday night on my couch in my underwear.”

Means: “Steve, you fucking loser, I’m being polite. If you give me an answer longer than two sentences I swear I’ll drag you in the men’s room and introduce your face to porcelain.”

Says: “The portions here are good sized so we can probably hold off on appetizers.”

Means: “I need to get away from you weirdos as soon as humanly possible.”

Says: “Yeah, I thought about going with the raspberry martini too but then decided I was just in a beer mood.”

Means: “Steve, that is the GD gayest drink order I have ever seen.”

Says: “No, we haven’t seen Fool’s Gold but we’ve heard good things. We’ll have to check it out.”

Means: “It’s people like you that make me hate so much.”

Says: “I’m pretty sure that’s a type of fish.”

Means: “I’m pretty sure that’s a type of fish you fucking moron.”

Says: “We’ll eventually have kids but it’s still way down the road.”

Means: “My pull out technique is flawless.”

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If You’re Single, Awesome, and Broke:

Hazy. Fatigued. Sunburnt. Like you need to get tested. Like you reek of Busch Light.

If You’re Single, Awesome, and Doing Very Well for Yourself:

Hazy. Fatigued. Like you should email that chick and recommend she get tested. Like you’ll probably get a call from Amex with regards to “suspicious levels of spending”.

If You’re Married and Broke:

Like your wife spent way more of your money than you anticipated.

If You’re Married and Doing Very Well for Yourself:

Like your wife spent way more of your money than you anticipated.

If You Have a Lot in Common with Steve Irony (i.e. You’ve Procreated):

Exhausted. Like community swimming pools should be outlawed. Like you should be featured in a Pro-Birth Control ad campaign. Like a hot Euro nanny would be a good idea on many different levels.

If You Spend Your Long Weekends Camping:

Recharged. Energetic. Puzzled as to how the guy who sits next to you at work thought it was a good idea to bathe in Busch Light.

If You Thought You Had a Shot at Banging That Hot Chick You’ve Been Sweating:

Disappointed. Unsure whether that chubby chick you settled on was over a deuce or not.

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If you’re new to NextRound, last year I got fired from my job, which turned out to be an awesome story, but rather detrimental to my financial well being. After almost a year of unemployment I’ve finally landed a new gig.Let that sink in for a moment. Let it marinate. Let the shock subside…

Alright, now let’s continue.

While I wasn’t looking for a job I accomplished a lot.

1) I ate a ton of McDonald’s (because it’s cheap and delicious), which in turn made me pretty fat, like 230 lbs.

2) That’s about it…I wish I could say I did something productive over the last year, like learn a foreign language or something, but if you think I would put that kind of effort into anything useful you obviously haven’t been paying attention or you’re a new reader.

Everyone wants to know one thing: How did I survive financially?

Well, I haven’t made a nickel off this damn website (Maske won’t let me look at the books) and I haven’t seen any return on investment from Palace on a Lake (although I anticipate that changing very shortly). So I did what any red blood American would do: I lit up my credit card and scraped by on a couple good nights at the poker tables.

My lifestyle was pretty basic. I slept about 13 hours a day, ate fast food, and watched A LOT OF TiVO. I guess I could have exercised, but that thought never crossed my mind.

I did learn something useful during my unemployment though, I look way better on paper. When I actually show up in person I’m kind of a disappointment. I realized my academic accomplishments don’t exactly match my personality. Apparently I don’t “exude enthusiasm” in job interviews. That’s probably because I think work sucks balls, but whatever.

Eventually, I did land a job as an attorney. Now, I slave for the man. And it does, in fact, suck balls.

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I used to be cool. Now I’m married with kids and a mortgage payment. I run into a lot of awkward situations in the grown up world because of my former coolness. Old habits are hard to break.

Take this time of year for example. This is when all the newly legal talent comes home from college after spending two semesters being preyed on by frat guys, bouncers, athletes, and professors (great gig if you can get it). Since I used to be one of those frat guys my gut reaction is “YESSSSS!!!!”.

But I’ve learned from experience you have to be careful. Here are some Do’s and Dont’s if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

DON’T tell you your neighbor you noticed his daughter is back from freshman year.

This is a bad idea. There are only a few ways he can interpret this comment, all depending on how hot the daughter is. He’ll think you’re either saying:

A) “How many dudes do you think ran through her while she was away?”

B) “The idea of her hanging out by the pool just made my summer.”

C) “Man, she gained the Freshman 15 and then some. That’s a huge bitch.”

DON’T tell another neighbor you barely know that you noticed your neighbor’s daughter is back from freshman year.

I have gotten WAY too many weird looks from guys I thought were cool when I made this comment. Adding, “You know what I’m talking about, right?” with a wink and a shoulder nudge does not help matters.

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Cinco de Mayo falling on a Monday is brutal. Here are the Top 5 Groups of People Most Seriously Affected:

5) Mariachi Bands. Tips for playing La Bamba don’t make themselves. You need muy patrons and muy margarita pitchers to make some real coin.

4) Single Guys. The number of chicks willing to make bad decisions after a lot tequila dwindles when Cinco de Mayo falls on a Monday.

3) Irish Pubs. May 5th means tons of spillover revenue for pubs when the Mexican joints get packed and/or run out of tortilla chips. This year, just the usual Monday night drunks.

2) Fat Chicks. The number of dudes willing to make bad decisions after a lot tequila dwindles when Cinco de Mayo falls on a Monday.

1) Mexican Restaurant Owners. This group is hit hardest. If you can’t serve a packed house of privileged white kids on the day that celebrates your heritage, how are you ever going to turn a profit?

You’re at your desk, working your ass off — or you’re busy pretending to be working your ass off while reading something ludicrously entertaining on NextRound — when all of a sudden the sky blue rectangular Outlook preview box materializes in the bottom right corner of your screen. You see the sender’s name and your gut reaction is to toss your hard drive out the window. Luckily you manage some restraint, which is pretty incredible seeing that you fucking hate Long Winded Email Guy.

Long Winded Email Guy is an asshole. The problem is he doesn’t realize he’s an asshole. He thinks he’s conscientious. He thinks providing enough explanation via email text so that your Spanish-speaking janitor can fully grasp his objective is conscientious. He thinks electronic smiley faces are conscientious. He thinks his cursive email signature is conscientious. He thinks emphasizing his “thanks” with multiple explanation points is conscientious. And sometimes he even thinks stopping by your desk an hour after he sent his thesis of an email just to make sure you got it is conscientious.

You think he sucks.

One day after you received an email narrative from him outlining proper copy machine maintenance you spent a serious thirty seconds pondering ways you might murder him without getting caught. Then you remembered he has a kid.

Level of Mind-Numbing Annoyance: 7 out of 10.

Cool & Tough Retaliations:

• Hijack someone in accounting’s computer and send a succinct email to LWEG outlining what a crippling douchebag he is for using exclamation points.

• Photocopy your ass and leave the copy in his chair with a note asking whether he considers this proper maintenance.

• Sleep with his wife.

• Sign up for info on multiple condo time share opportunities using LWEG’s name and work number.

Email signatures are one of the few ways to define yourself in a homogeneous corporate environment. Here are some examples of what your email signature can say about you:

A) “I’m Here Because They Pay Me”.

Dick Masterson

Craptastic, Inc.

(888) 555-8517 Office

(888) 555-987 Fax

dmasterson@gmail.com

Our personal email signature recommendation. The Goal: to make it abundantly clear that you really don’t give a shit. No job title, whatever font Outlook defaults to, omit the last digit in your fax number (who wants to have to check the fucking fax machine?), substitute your personal email address for your work email in order to insinuate that you transmit copious amounts of porn on a daily basis. This signature lets the world know that italics are gay and you could use a beer.

B) “I Need You to Know I Drive a Jag”.

Dick Masterson | Vice President
The One REALLY Important Group in this REALLY Important Company
Really Important Company | Swinging Dick Division
Pimp Address, Baller Floor | New York, New York 10000
T: 888 555 2654 | F: 888 555 9745
dick.masterson@ric.com | www.ric.com/swingingdick

Nuanced. Refined. Uber professional. Hours of thought put into fonts, font sizes, where to bold, and when to work in a little color contrast (you went with a dash of green to remind people that you and money are never too far apart). Words = Importance. More the better. Chicks cream themselves after reading an email from you.

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