But it seemed like such a good idea at the time. The rock was there and everything.

Today must be White Dudes Try and Jump On Things Day because now we have this tremendous surveillance camera video of two drunk guys repeatedly attempting to jump onto a downtown horse statue. There’s like a 50/50 chance this is actually footage of our boy T-Bone from last weekend.

Those guys had a lot of drunk motivation. We would have only given it one shot and then tried to walk through a drive thru for a sack of Krystals. Pretty much our same approach with the ladies.

[H/T: Tasty Booze]

We’ve wanted to have a beer with Paul Rudd ever since he told us that they’ve done studies and 60% of the time, Sex Panther works every time. The guy has seemingly dedicated himself to being awesome and because of that we’re sure Role Models won’t suck.

The funny thing is though that prior to 2004 Paul Rudd pretty much spent his film career trying to out-suck himself. Take a look.

Rudd’s Sample Pre-2004 Resume:

• The Hippie Step Brother in Clueless.
• Some douchebag who loses his girl to Leo DiCaprio in Romeo + Juliet.
• A part in a movie about abortions that takes place in a mythical world where Charlize Theron wants to hump Tobey Maguire.
• Some indie flick about a guy who gets a nose job.
• And — FTW — a gay dude who doesn’t bang Jennifer Aniston because he’s gay in what should have been titled The Object of the Worst Movie Ever.

Wow. Talk about terrible. We’re pretty sure if we’d met Paul Rudd in 2002 we would have beaten him senseless. Or at least discussed beating him senseless before deciding to have a beer instead. But then, something amazing happened. Rudd woke up one morning and decided to be awesome. And ever since then he’s been taking underrated roles in solid movies and making those movies way awesomer. There’s no better way to reinforce this point than to list some choice quotes by Rudd’s best characters:

As Brian Fantana in Anchorman:

• “People call me the Bry man; I’m the stylish one of the group. I know what you’re asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nickname for my penis. It’s called the Octagon, but I also nicknamed my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.”

• “I think I was in love once…She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.”

• “Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.”

(more…)

The funny thing about the office funny guy is how rarely he succeeds at making you laugh. Unless, of course, he spontaneously attempts to jump over a cabinet. Then you might get a chuckle.

When you are one of the gifted few capable of putting down a large amount of beer in a ridiculously short amount of time, always:

1) Save the trick for when chicks are around,

And 2) Make sure your goofy looking buddy is there to get excited and make the feat seem all that more impressive…

With great power, comes great responsibility.

[H/T: Attuworld]

It’s Election Day so it’s only fitting that we pay tribute to the comedic stylings of a basketball playing Canadian. We’ve always liked Steve Nash, but have thought of him as more quirky than clever. This new Vitamin Water spot proves otherwise.

Remember when he signed the Shaq shoe? That was awesome. And what about, “Nice tache”? Apparently in Canadia they shorten it even further by dropping the “s”.

[H/T: With Leather]

Feel like you should probably vote today? But you don’t give a shit who wins? Well, here are five killer write-in votes that will leave you feeling both clever and patriotic…

1) John McClane. When you tell people who you voted for they’ll think you mean John McCain. You’ll know the  difference.

2) Morgan Freeman. Because shouldn’t the first black President be a guy who is prepared for when a giant comet threatens to obliterate the earth?

(more…)

We only know like three people (including us) who have seen In Bruges, but we are all the more awesome for it. Colin Farrell should probably have pulled a Joaquin Phoenix after filming it. Or at least vowed to only play himself — like he definitely does in this flick — going forward. Anyways, enough gushing. We recommend you watch this :20 second clip and then go add it to your Netflix queue.

Seriously, if you don’t have a million times more respect for Farrell after watching him karate chop a midget then we can’t help you.

Suffering from a case of the Mondays? Feel like everything in your life sucks donkey balls? Well, do we have the cure. Presenting, “The Final Countdown” on kazookeylele. Get excited.

Man, that kid is like talent personified.

Thanks to Big Slim for the tip.

While we plan to vote tomorrow we realize there are many of you out there who won’t see the inside of a voting booth. Whether you were too lazy to register or you just don’t like standing in lines, the one thing you need to have prepared is a bulletproof excuse for why you didn’t vote.

There are a lot of judgmental assholes out there just waiting to grill you for not wearing a sticker. Any one of these excuses should shut them up…

1) You’re an Ex-Con. And your voting privileges have been revoked. In our experience people don’t ask many more questions after they learn that you’ve done time. They kind of just back away and never make eye contact with you again. It’s really a win-win.

2) You’re a Member of the Green Party. And you don’t vote anymore ever since your support for Ralph Nader cost Al Gore the election. This route is pretty effective seeing that no one will know another member of the Green Party to run this by.

3) You Spent the Entire Day Saving Obama’s Life. Just recite the plot from the first season of 24 and hope the person you’re reciting it to isn’t a Jack Bauer fan.

4) You Had an Opportunity for a Three-Way. And since the probability of two chicks wanting to bang you at the same time ever happening again is low, you had to take advantage. Note: Citing a devil’s three way does not hold as much water.

5) Your Dog Died. Of course, depending on how well you know the person you tell this to may have to kill your own pet to avoid getting caught in a web of lies.

6) You’re Canadian. The person you tell this to will become much less concerned with you voting and much more concerned about the ability of Canadians to live amongst us undetected.

7) You’re a Texas or Georgia fan. After the crushing defeat your school suffered on Saturday, no one will blame you.

8 ) You Had Some REALLY Bad Mexican. Just keep emphasizing “REALLY” and making weird faces. They’ll cut you off before you get into more details.

9) You Were Attacked by Ninjas. This is our go-to excuse for pretty much every situation where we need a plausible reason to why we didn’t do something. You’d be surprised at how versatile it is. And by how much people are genuinely scared of ninja attacks.