Or in public in general. Or in a parking garage with security cameras. Or with a chick in a super long skirt. Or when you’re wearing a toboggan. Or if you’re not in middle school. Or unless she’s an off-duty stripper.

We could go on all day.

Here’s Will Ferrell’s promo for his one night only “You’re Welcome America: A Final Night with George W. Bush” Broadway show this Sunday. Not a bad promo as far as promos for one night only Broadway shows go. But then again we’ll support just about anything that makes a Tango & Cash reference.

The real question is would you rather have a beer with the real W or Will Ferrell playing W? And who would have an easier time scoring an eight ball?[H/T: Film Drunk]

Guy Ritchie and Madonna’s divorce is soon to be finalized and it looks like Madonna will be forking out roughly 76 million dollars just for Guy to go away.

Impressive. Seriously impressive. When chicks want us to go away they just tell us they missed their period.

We liked Guy Ritchie even before he pulled this off, but now we’re consider putting a poster of him above our bed or commissioning a bust of him be made for our mantle. Sure, he traded about eight years of his life — sacrificing his professional career and regularly banging an old lady — for this payday, but as of right now it seems well worth it.

And the best part is, it can all happen for you too! Just follow Guy’s 6 step plan! It’s that easy!

Step 1: Be British.

Step 2: Make an awesome low budget film starring Jason Statham.

Step 3: Catch the eye of a slowly decaying, yet filthy rich American pop star who secretly wishes she was British.

Step 4: Marry her (no prenup), father a couple of her kids, and soil your professional reputation by directing and letting her star in arguably the worst movie ever made.

Step 5: Encourage her to spend time with an all-star baseball player with a creepy butch lady fetish.

Step 6: Divorce.

And BAM! 76 MIL! Just like that.

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Everyone wants to take a gangsta car pose photo. That doesn’t mean everyone should. Take these poses for example…

The My Moms Is Gangsta Pose

The Minivan in a Car Wash Pose

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There are some rules you just have to live by…

Wow did that chick get annihilated. Speaking of chicks getting annihilated, someone tell the girl in the pink hotpants at the beginning of the video to shoot us a text message.

You know how we know you’re never going to get laid? Your mom put a Christmas classified ad in the paper to see if she could help you find a wife. Tampa Bay Online reports:

‘ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS … a WIFE for my SON,’ it begins.

Signed Christmas Mother-in Law, the plea continues: ‘I’m sad that he’s alone, a 37 year old handsome Tampa professional …

‘Help me find him a wife!’

Well, at least his mom didn’t also do an interview with the paper. That would have been even more embarrassing. Oh wait…

Claudia swears there’s nothing wrong with her son.

‘He’s such a good boy,’ she says. ‘He’s so good-hearted, so good-looking. He’s got a good job.’

So far, so good, but she is his mother. Seeing is believing.

Oh god. How brutal. This dude is going to have to keep a therapist and an escort service on speed dial for the rest of his life. Well, at the very least there may be a few slam pigs out there desperate enough to take his mom up on the ad. He could possibly score a slump buster out of it right? Oh shit, maybe not…

So far, he says, his mother has received only three responses to her ad. Two came from other mothers; one with a daughter, who sounds promising; the other, a son. She wants the names of the women Jason decides not to date.

Is it worse to be the guy whose mom puts an ad out in the paper because he sucks so much with the ladies or to be the guy whose mom is willing to settle with the first son’s sloppy seconds? Tough call. Either way you probably own a blow up doll.

[Source: Tampa Bay Online via Fark]

This is everywhere but the hell if we won’t kick off Monday morning with it. Say what you will about W the man, but never doubt W the dodger of foreign objects. The shoe never stood a chance.

Not sure what it is says about someone’s presidency when the two things we’ll remember them most fondly for are cat-like reflexes and awesome facial expressions. But hey, at least we had some laughs.

If you’re like us, you like your senior citizens best when they’re falling over. Take this tremendous, tremendous compilation — complete with Talking Heads soundtrack — for example…

Or when this old guy managed to fall up an escalator…

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At least he acted like he’s been there before. The 2 yard line that is.

We imagine it would look something like this…