Since we’ve seemingly been consumed by “Gossip Girl” lately (here, here, and all 90 hours of Booth’s DVR) we thought it would be a good idea to spend this Hump Day objectifying one of the chicks from the show in order to once again reaffirm how ridiculously heterosexual we are.

Of course, it’s just our luck that the most humpable (and legal) chick on the show happens to have a dude’s first name. But whatever. We’re not gay, you are. We’d give Blake Lively a lift to Poundtown even if her name was Ralph.

Blake’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 20.

Height: Tall.

Figure: Gazelle-like.

Anatomy You’d Readily Give Up to Bang Her: Appendix.

Famous For: Being the star of “Gossip Girl”. Making the show slightly bearable for thousands of pervy married dudes everywhere who are forced to watch.

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As the Jason Taylor v. Bill Parcells news continues to heat up the more clips we’re seeing of Taylor douching it up on “Dancing With the Stars”, and hence, the more obvious it’s becoming to us that we really want to bang Taylor’s dancing partner (if you were anticipating “take up ballroom”, please leave immediately).

Pretty much all you need to know is: Her name’s Edyta, She’s Polish (heh, heh), She dances for a living, and She used to be partnered up with Joey Lawrence (Whoa!).

But for good measure we’ll elaborate even further…

Edyta’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 26. Most Polish chicks her age are well on their way to being grandmothers by now.

What She Does Besides Dance: Hocks workout videos (that also involve dancing) on her website. Her site also promotes voyeurism.

Marital Status: Married. But the dude’s also a dancer, so this may be one of those gay dude / someone needed a green card marriages.

Awesomest “Star” She’s Been Paired With: Cliff from “Cheers”, hands down. Joey Lawrence is a distant second.

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The Sitcom Bi-Laws demand that every show meet a certain eye candy prerequisite. Katrina Bowden fills just that void for “30 Rock”. She plays the biscuit intern who you can bank on getting a solid thirty seconds of camera time every episode. She also gets her very own set of lines every third episode or so, which, to her credit, she delivers impeccably while also rocking a super short skirt.

But despite Katrina’s part being rather small, her role on “30 Rock” is quite large. You see, without Katrina delivering the necessary dose of hotness each week, guys like us would get too distracted by Tina Fey’s lack of hotness to appreciate the comedy at hand. Katrina’s role is integral to our viewing pleasure. Why the Emmys don’t hand out an award for the work pretty ladies like her do is beyond us.

So, to show our own personal appreciation, we’ll be using this Wednesday morning to help everyone get to know her better.

Katrina’s Hump Day Bio

Age:19. We can safely say we had no idea she was this young when we started this segment. She was in middle school when we were in college. Weird.

Hometown: Wycoff, New Jersey. Loves the Shore. Loves Jager. Loves the Jets.

Fantasy Career Aspirations: Feature film star in the vein of Gwyneth Paltrow.

Realistic Career Expectations: Supporting roles in poorly conceived comedies. Joining the Off Broadway cast of “The Vagina Monologues”. Marrying some B actor she meets on the set of “30 Rock”.

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You of course know Mila Kunis from “That 70’s Show”. You’ve also probably seen her in the previews for “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, which is opening this weekend. We’ve never taken a screenwriting class, but seeing that Mila doesn’t play Sarah Marshall, we’re willing to go out on a limb and guess she plays the chick that helps the dude forget Sarah Marshall. Just a hunch.

We’d all but forgotten Mila since “That 70’s Show” went off the air (which technically happened in 2006, but was more like 2004 as far as the viewing public is concerned), so her transformation from teenage jailbait to sophisticated pretty lady is quite the pleasant surprise. Amazing what a little eye brow wax can do, eh?

And lucky you, you’ll be seeing more of Mila in the near future. She’s landed a role in “Max Payne” with Marky Mark and is apparently giving this film career a serious go of it. Not bad for someone who spent a large portion of her youth in the presence of Ashton Kutcher. You would think there would be some serious repercussions from regular exposure to such high levels of obnoxious no-talentness. Then again, you don’t know who Mila is currently dating (more on that after the jump).

Mila’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 24. She lied about her age to land her role on “That 70’s Show”. She was only 15 and pretended to be turning 18. One of the few stories you’ll ever be able to reference where the underage chick said she was 18 and things turned out well for all parties.

Hometown: Born in Kiev (now in the Ukraine) and moved to Los Angeles when she was 8. Learned to speak English by watching Bob Barker on “The Price is Right”. Just when you think Barker can’t contribute any more to society you get a piece of information like this. The guy’s face should be on currency at this point.

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“The Office” returns tomorrow and it’s just in time for us to celebrate the most under-appreciated chick in the biz: Jenna Fischer.

Jenna’s not Marissa Miller by any means, but Hump Day’s not solely about celebrating the hotness of chicks that are paid to be hot, it’s also about celebrating the pretty ladies that bring that real life flavor to the table.

We dig Jenna because she epitomizes that one chick in everyone’s office that all the dude’s eventually want to bang. They frump her up big time to play Pam, but she still grows on you on a weekly basis. Is she a L.A. “10″? Of course not. But just like that chick in your office she doesn’t need to be when her competition is so unfortunate looking. That she’s not completely insufferable and has a nice front court only strengthen her cause.

Jenna’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 34. Translated: Seasoned. She might take you home.

Hometown: Fort Wayne, Indiana. Indiana’s second largest city, which is kind of like being the second biggest loser at Comicon.

Where You May Have Seen Jenna:

• “The Office”. You weirdos with the Phyllis fetish may not have noticed her.

• “Blades of Glory”. The horrifically unfunny Will Ferrell movie. Hands down the only way to watch this flick is to fast forward to the scene with Jenna rocking lingerie, showing off her solid rack that no one knew existed (more on this below).

• “Walk Hard”. We haven’t see it. Doubt you have. But we are pretty sure it exists. Once it makes it’s way to HBO, let’s all get together and discuss.

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Amber Heard is a relatively unknown actress we’ve had a bit of a thing for ever since we caught some recent red carpet photos of her rocking a retro look. She pretty much embodies everything Hump Day is about:

• She’s up and coming (and not in the adult video store sense).
• She looks solid in overhead bikini shots.
• There’s just enough info on her for us to make some sub par jokes.
• And she’s young enough to make us feel a bit uncomfortable.

Enjoy.

Amber’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 21. And looks 18, so she’s pretty much played a high school chick in anything she’s ever been in. Translation: Steve Irony’s favorite Hump Day ever.

Hometown: Austin, Texas. She’s dominated SXSW on more than one occasion and attributes the Longhorns last national championship 100% to Vince Young being awesome and 0% to Mack Brown being a serviceable gameday coach.

Where You May Have Seen Amber:

• “Alpha Dog”. She’s one of the two chicks that hooks up with the little brother in the pool right before Timberlake just stands there and watches that goofy looking dude shoot him. You can’t say Amber didn’t do her part.

• “Californication”. You know, the series on Showtime where every hot chick in Hollywood is eager to go down on David Duchovny. We’re pretty sure it’s one big dream sequence.

• “Friday Night Lights”. The movie. She spent most of filming being asked by Billy Bob if she wanted to go check out the sweet George Forman grill in his trailer.

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We’ve covered Kate Bosworth once in this segment back before anyone actually read what we wrote. Needless to say, we don’t feel like we did her justice. And with her new movie “21″ opening this week we think it’s only fair to Kate that we revisit her with the full Hump Day treatment.

Kate, your welcome.

The Bos has always been a bit of a conundrum to us. Sure, we’d put her on the express train to Poundtown, no hesitation, but we’re confused about where we’d rank her in attractiveness compared to most actresses her age. A lot of the time she looks fairly unspectacular. And a lot of the times she looks like she could really use a milkshake.

We’re also not sure what to make of this “21″ flick. Do the previews scream “Where careers go to die” to anyone else? Sure, outsmarting casinos at blackjack–especially when it’s a true story–is pretty interesting, but there’s something low rent about the look and feel of this movie. The guy directing has both “Legally Blonde” AND “Monster-in-Law” on his resume, so that can’t be it. But then you’ve got the Bos, Kevin Spacey, and Larry Fishburne signing up to play supporting roles. We’re getting a serious mail-in vibe.

But whatever. “21″ could suck ass through a straw and spell the end of Kate’s career as a leading lady. The important thing to take away is that Kate looks pretty awesome in a black wig. Of course by “looks pretty awesome” we mean “we would have no issue compensating her for thirty minutes of her time”.

Kate, welcome back to Hump Day.

Kate’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 25. So she was like 23 when she played Lois Lane? Weird.

Height: Short to mid-sized.

Weight: Like our golf game, constantly working to break a hundred.

Hometown: Los Angeles, yet she claims she kind of fell into acting. We call bullshit.

Where You’ve Seen Kate:

• “Blue Crush“. You know you saw it, keep lying to yourself.

• “Superman Returns”. Where she apparently played a version of Lois Lane that was a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter at age 19. You could throw a midget through all the holes in that movie.

• “Remember the Titans“. She filled the role of ‘racist daughter asking for a hate effing’.

• “Win a Date with Tad Hamilton“. Remember? You walked out swearing you read somewhere it was funny.

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Cheryl Tweedy is a member of the new, less popular version of the Spice Girls called Girls Aloud. We’re extremely happy to announce we don’t know any of their work. Cheryl also goes by Cheryl Cole ever since marrying English footballer Ashley Cole in 2006. That’s not quite as cool as it may sound though seeing that Ashley is actually a dude and his version of football is actually soccer.

After spending some time getting to know Abigail Clancy a few weeks back we’ve been on a big WAG kick. At first we thought we might actually be growing to like soccer, but after attempting to watch a match the other day we’ve come to the pretty safe conclusion that we’re just into hot chicks with British accents and great boobs.

Cheryl’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 24.

Hometown: Newcastle upon Tyne, England. We’ve done some extensive research and still have no fucking clue how someone’s hometown is “upon” some other town. Crazy Brits. We are certain that Newcastle is also the home of Sting though. We’re even more certain that King of Pain is an awesome track.

Where You May Have Seen Cheryl: Nowhere outside of sports blogs finding an excuse to post hot pictures of her unless you’re into all-girl pop groups, Chelsea soccer, or network television in the UK, all of which pretty much preclude you from being a fan of this site.

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We’ve been meaning to get to Kate Mara in this spot for quite some time. Why? Because we look forward to marrying her (and cheating on her, Spitzer-style) in the not so near future.

You see, not only is Kate a quasi-famous actress who looks great in an spontaneous bra scene, but her families own both the Giants and the Steelers (father’s side, Giants; mother’s side, Steelers). And that’s the sort of bloodline we’re looking to shotgun wedding our way into.

So here’s the plan: 1) We meet Kate at some red carpet shindig where we pretend to be a real estate mogul; 2) We charm the shit out of her by making fun of her role in “Brokeback Mountain”; 3) Poundtown; 4) Quickie marriage at the Venetian in between craps sessions; And 5) We’re sending back the tuna salad sandwich Eli and/or Big Braindead Roethlisberger made us because we said LOTS of mayo. The end.

Kate Mara’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 25. But rocking the body of a slightly malnourished 19 year-old coed. Nice.

Hometown: Bedford, New York. She ventured into Jersey for Giants games every Sunday after church. We can’t imagine Jersey is the first place anyone should go directly from church, but hey, there was football.

Where You May Have Seen Kate:

• “Shooter”. The action flick where Marky Mark attempts to play a reclusive southern sniper, but instead comes off as Marky Mark in a weird mood.

• “24″. She was in five episodes of the season where terrorists threaten Los Angeles and Jack Bauer teaches them a big fucking lesson.

• “Brokeback Mountain”. You can tell us about this one when we come in to get our hair cut next week.

• “We Are Marshall”. She acts opposite the immortal Al Swearengen in just about every scene. Surprisingly, he goes the whole movie without referring to her as a filthy c— w—-.

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“10,000 B.C.” opens this weekend and has Blu-Ray rental written all over it (as long as Steve Irony doesn’t let the rest of us know that he even found it unwatchable, of course).

The one thing to know about “10,000 B.C.”–besides the fact that Wooly Mammoths are bad ass whether a movie is good or not–is that it stars Camilla Belle in one of the few female roles.

Camilla is an up and coming actress who has starred in a few notable films like “When a Stranger Calls” and one with Daniel Day-Lewis not titled “Last of the Mohicans”. From what we’ve gathered the chick is pretty good at what she does so you’ll likely be seeing more of her in the future. And if you do go to see “10,000 B.C.” at least she should provide enough of a diversion that you won’t feel like you just paid ten bucks to watch a prehistoric Chippendales show.

Camilla Belle’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 21. We keep getting older but the chicks on Hump Day stay the same age.

Where You May Have Seen Camilla:

• “When a Stranger Calls”. She’s the one the stranger keeps calling.

• Couple of indie films that artsy chick you attempted to bang made you sit through.

• A 1998 episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger”. We’re pretty sure we saw that one. It’s the one where Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks a bad guy to secure her rescue.

• “The Lost World”. A.K.A. “Jeff Goldblum v. T-Rex”.

• “Poison Ivy II”. A film most notable when web searching, “Alyssa Milano naked.”

• “The Patriot”. The real one, starring Steven Segal, a true American hero.

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