We’ve given Lebron James some hell lately for shitty play, biting his fingernails, and generally being a bit of a whiner in the playoffs, but his performance in last night’s Game 4 to tie the series with the Celtics was impressive to say the least. You had this eat my dong dunk to close out the game:

And earlier you had Lebron telling his mom to know her role when she tried to start jawing courtside with Paul Peirce (more on this story here):

Tying playoff series. T-Bagging opponents. Putting bitches in their place. Now this is a Lebron James we can sign on with.

[Sources: Awful Announcing, SbB]

This season’s Miami Heat team is becoming increasingly irrelevant by the day, so Pat Riley is intimating that he may spend a good portion of the remainder of the season scouting talent instead of of coaching since the Heat are going to have a whole bucket full of ping pong balls representing them come lottery time.

To put it in layman’s terms, the Heat suck ginormous balls and instead of watching them flame on, Pat Riley is using “scouting talent” (which can be translated several different ways) as a convenient excuse to take a sabbatical and attend the tremendousness that is March Madness.

If you sit back and think about it the plan is really fucking brilliant, something we can all learn a valuable lesson from. That lesson being THE ART OF MAKING SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO SOUND LIKE SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO DO.

The Riley Formula:

A) Identify what you don’t want to do. Ex: Coach a craptastic NBA team.

B) Identify what you do want to do. Ex: Watch the NCAA tournament and eye-molest college cheerleaders in person.

C) Convince everyone B is the more undesirable of A and B, then volunteer yourself to do the undesirable thing under the guise of “taking one for the team”. Ex: “I’m a coach. It pains me not be on the sideline. I want to be there more than anything, but I have to do what’s best for the team.”

(Note: Formula also applicable to couples’ showers, date movies, and dinner with in-laws.)

Man, Pat, we respect the shit out of you. We bet you’re totally going to bang a bunch of high class escorts when you’re on the road too. Awesome.[Source: FanHouse]

To commemorate the 37th running of the Lane’s Ends Stakes in the Greater Cincinnati area, Maker’s Mark is producing 3,000 limited edition bottles featuring Johnny Bench on the label. And seeing that number 7 on our Top Ten Things to Accomplish in Life list is “Having our likeness featured on the label of a prominent brand of whiskey” we have tremendous admiration for what Johnny has accomplished here.

Proceeds are supposed to go to some scholarship fund for sick kids or something, but we didn’t really read that far because we got side-tracked on the race itself and whether we could somehow get Palace in the running. We have high hopes for our equestrian endeavors in ‘08.

[Source: Cincinnati Enquirer via SportsbyBrooks]

It’s being reported in a variety of places (here, here, here, and here) that Red Sox first baseman, Kevin Youkilis, has signed on to become the spokesperson for a new energy drink. What’s the new drink called you may be wondering?

It’s called SlumpBuster. That’s right, SlumpBuster. The drink is named after one of our top 5 favorite all-time terms for banging a fat chick.

And the best part is that Youklis is even developing his own “Youk’s Signature” version of the drink and the proceeds of that drink will be donated to charity.

Needless to say, we’re very excited about the SlumpBuster drink revelation. We’re also very excited about Kevin Youkilis parlaying sales of a caffeine drink named after a warpig you bang for good luck into proceeds for charity.

That’s ironic, funny, and awesome. Three things we love all at once.

So, here’s to Youkilis and his significant achievement in awesomeness. In an age where just about every quasi-athlete is entirely self-absorbed, he’s endorsing a drink that pegs him as a lover of the fatties.

Here’s also to Mark Grace, the guy who’s widely acknowledged for inventing the term and doing a significant favor to us all. Grace better be getting some sort of royalty out of this. Lord knows he deserves it.

After the jump, the SlumpBuster can logo. It’s impossible not to like a slogan like, “Take One Down”.

(more…)

In unrelated, but equally awesome stories from the last couple of days, Dave Grohl endeared himself even further by making his disdain for Paris Hilton known, and Yankees outfielder Shelley Duncan totally owned a random 10-year old Red Sox fan.

First, Grohl, who we really admire for his ability to keep it real, opined about Paris Hilton. He’s known she’s sucked from day one:

“Paris is f***ing lame. She’s more offensive to me than anything. She’s a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her.”

We definitely want to have a beer with this dude.

Next, Shelley Duncan, who’s 27 and fairly obscure despite playing for the Yankees, signed a Red Sox fan’s baseball. It went something like this.

“Griffin Whitman, a 10-year-old Red Sox fan from Swampscott, was excited to attend his first Yankees vs. Red Sox game Friday night. The young autograph-collector was even more thrilled to score Yankees outfielder Shelley Duncan’s signature before the game. That is, until Griffin read the message from the 27-year-old rookie: ‘Red Sox suck! Shelley Duncan.’”

We find the Yankees unbearable, but that move is just too bad ass not to applaud. That kid had it coming. Because that’s how you learn in life. Being told you and the things you cherish suck. [Sources: Sun Online, Boston Herald]