Fall television is back in full swing, which is a truly wonderful thing. And with the advent of DVR technology — another truly wonderful thing — you can watch more television than ever. Of course, with great power comes great responsibility. In the case of DVR technology your responsibility lies in you not revealing too much about yourself to anyone who might stumble upon your recordings.

Here’s what certain shows will reveal about you if you’re not careful…

You Don’t Understand Comedy: 

• Two and a Half Men

• The Big Bang Theory

• Til Death

You’re an Unforgiveable Lameass: 

• Dancing with the Stars

• One Tree Hill

• The Hills, My Super Sweet Sixteen, and everything else on MTV…

You Like Vin Diesel Movies:

• Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles

• Prison Break

• Knight Rider

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With another monster matchup dominating the college football landscape this weekend we’re once again here to provide some off the field analysis to balance out all the on the field analysis you’re in store for. Here are several of the off the field matchups that are most important to us. Things like…

Tailgating Eye Candy

Texas vs. Oklahoma

These photos make for a pretty interesting debate, and we think you could make a strong case either way, but from all the research we’ve done (which is a startling amount) we feel Texas holds the edge in quantity. And we always buy in bulk. Edge: Texas

Actors We’d Have a Beer With

Matthew McConaughey (Texas) vs. Ed Harris (Oklahoma)

Of the actors from each school currently getting steady work, Matthew McConaughey and Ed Harris are easily the two we’d most like to have a beer with. A couple months ago we’d probably have gone with Harris in this spot. He kicked ass in A History of Violence and we wouldn’t have to deal with any shirtlessness. But after McConaughey’s killer performance as “The Pecker” in Tropic Thunder (might be the #1 reason to see the movie) we’re going with Wooderson. Edge: Texas

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Nick Nolte jumped out a window to escape from his Malibu home after it went up in flames on Tuesday. The fire did three million dollars worth of damage to the house while also threatening Nolte’s life. But let this be a lesson to fire. It has just joined the long list of things that have attempted to kill Nick Nolte. And failed.

Other things include:

• Drunk Driving. Nolte drives better drunk than sober.

• Divorce. Three divorces and multiple break-ups would kill most men. Not Nolte. He doesn’t pay child support.

• Making a Terrible Movie with Barbara Streisand. The important thing is he made it off the set with his life.

• Air Travel. When Nolte learned that his plane at an Hawaiian airport had it in for him, he did what any reasonable dude would do: got drunk and passed out in the terminal so he couldn’t fly.

• This Outfit.

• Passing on Han Solo. Nolte was the first choice to play Han Solo but passed on the role because he refuses to talk to guys in bear suits and thinks vests are for the gays.

• Starring in Hulk. Ang Lee’s version of the Hulk was so awful it has killed the careers of just about everyone involved. Except for Nick’s, of course. He rocked your face in Tropic Thunder. Speaking of which…

• Being in the Same Room as Robert Downey Jr. Many speculated that the two working together on Tropic Thunder would be too much combined awesomeness for both to endure. One dead hooker later, both men are alive and well.

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We made a conscious decision to drop any lingering Titanic-related misgivings we had towards Leo DiCaprio after seeing The Departed. That flick is just too bad ass not to give the guy a pass. But with CIA thriller Body of Lies opening this weekend, we can’t help but draw attention to the disturbing trend of DiCaprio being cast in roles that would lead us to believe he can kick our ass.

The issue being, of course, the fact that we’re certain he can’t kick our ass. And we don’t care for Hollywood continuing to insinuate he can. Take some of his most recent work for example…

Gangs of New York

Improbable Tough Guy Premise: Leo — two years removed from crying with dolphins in The Beach — as a knife wielding, revenge-seeking tough guy who leads street gangs into battle.

What Made Us Feel Better: Daniel Day-Lewis is far cooler and tougher. 19th century put-up-your-dukes fighting style. Inability to recognize that Cameron Diaz is starting to look like a dude.

Blood Diamond

Improbable Tough Guy Premise: Leo as an ex-special ops diamond smuggler who spends his spare time trading bullets with African warlords and running game at Jennifer Connelly.

What Made Us Feel Better: The South African accent. Obsession with jewelry. Starring opposite the black dude from Gladiator who would clearly break Leo in two in reality.

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Now that the Tampa Bay Rays are officially heading to the ALCS we’ve decided to not only recognize the name “Rays” going forward, but also to firmly plant ourselves in a captain’s chair on the team’s bandwagon. Here are 14 of the reasons why. Feel free to join us. It’s quite comfy.

• Rooting Against the Red Sox. Rooting for the Red Sox was so 2004. 2008 is all about banning together against Massholes.

• Jenn Sterger. She’s also a fan. And now that she smells free pub like blood in the water she’s sure to be making an appearance as the Ray’s chestiest supporter.

• Being a Rays Expert. Since no one knows anything about the Rays you can make up obscure facts and people will believe you. It’s quite empowering.

• The Gulf of Mexico. As far as bodies of water go, the Gulf is totally underrated.

• Bucs Cheerleaders. There’s a chance they’re also Rays fans. Which means we should link to this picture. And this one.

• Evan Longoria / Eva Longoria Jokes. Some people still haven’t heard them. Pretend you just made one up and those people will think you’re clever.

• The Nasty Boys. They don’t make appearances at Fenway. They’re Rays fans.

• Baseball in a Dome. It’s just weird enough to sound cool. 

• Busch Gardens. We’re to understand it’s a beer theme park, just like Duff Gardens. Sign us up.

• The Happy Heckler. That guy is kind of awesome. And his dedication to his craft is finally paying off with an ALCS appearance.

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The Cubs may genuinely be cursed, but if so we doubt it has anything to do with a smelly goat. Many speculate that the Cubs have accumulated other curses over the years. Here are a few of the most popular theories…

The Curse of The Dark Knight: Since the majority of The Dark Knight was filmed in Chicago, the Cubs have fallen victim to the same curse afflicting the actors from the movie (i.e. Heath Ledger’s death, Morgan Freeman’s car accident, Christian Bale’s alleged assault on his family, and No Reservations playing on HBO).

The Curse of Back to the Future Part II: The Cubs will be unable to win the World Series until the year 2015, just like Marty McFly learned in the future.

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With all this bailout talk we’re beginning to question why bailout plans are limited to just financial institutions. For example, there are at least four NFL franchises hopeless enough to warrant NFL league office — and maybe even federal government — involvement. If left to their own devices these four teams are guaranteed to continue to deliver negative returns to fans and fantasy owners.

Cincinnati Bengals

The Situation: They’re 0-4. They lost to Browns. Their quarterback is hurt. They’ve signed role models Chris Henry AND Cedric Benson. And they don’t even bother to field a defense for most games. To make matters worse they continue to refuse to spend a nickel on player scouting, which has created a vicious cycle of drafting reprobates and malcontents who are more likely than not to do jail time while on the Bengal roster.

The Bailout Solution: Oust ownership in either a public (general uprising) or private (contract kill) manner. Give new management five additional picks for the ‘09 draft while purchasing and/or insuring the team’s wasted picks from the last five drafts. Assist in moving all wide receivers not named T.J. off the franchise’s balance sheet by selling them for cents on the dollar to NFL Europa.

Oakland Raiders

The Situation: They’re 1-3. They just fired their head coach — who may have been the only person in a position of management within the organization not suffering from mental illness of some sort — in the most public of fashions. Their owner is deranged and clearly living off Tru Blood. And a twinkle toed Warren Sapp is currently making the media rounds informing whoever will listen how bullshit he is no one ever told him how much it sucks to be a Raider.

The Bailout Solution: Get Al Davis and Castro in the same place at the same time for operation Bay of Pigs 2: This Time We Brought Wooden Stakes. From there put together an AIG-esque package involving NFL league office control of the team until suitable new ownership is in place. Sell potential suitors on the fact that they’ll splooge their pants when they see JaMarcus Russell hose the ball sixty yards from his knees.

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We don’t give Thursday the credit it deserves. It’s pretty great for a weekday. Everyone mails in Friday so you can get as drunk as you want. And if a night of cougar hunting proves to be unsuccessful or if your prey just can’t stay up past 10PM you’ve always got fresh Office and Always Sunny episodes on DVR to look forward to. Yeah, Thursday kind of rocks your face.

One of the more integral parts of Thursday’s awesomeness is Kevin from The Office. We’ve slowly come to the realization that Kevin is the straw that stirs The Office drink. He’s used just enough to always keep you wanting more and it’s impossible to name a time he didn’t deliver.

With that — and the fact there will be no Office tonight due to the VP debates — in mind, we gathered up all the short clips we could find of our favorite bald, double-chinned, deceptively-not-retarded TV accountant in order to pay tribute. Enjoy.

“Are you kidding me?!”

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All good things must come to an end and that’s finally the case in Detroit. And despite us now being out roughly half our comedy routine we can’t really blame the Lions for their decision. All we can do is honor our all time favorite NFL GM the only way we know how: by mocking him with a photo essay.

The time Millen explained to Joey Harrington that they were going to be the Neo and Morpheus of the NFL.

The time William Ford Sr. pointed out that fans had once again gotten their hands on naked pictures of Millen’s wife.

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Yesterday’s news that Kendra Wilkinson of Girls Next Door fame may or may not be engaged to Eagles receiver Hank Baskett got us to thinking about the phenomenon that is mediocre NFL players dating and marrying Playboy models.

You know how you sometimes hear that life as an NFL journeyman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? Well, we’re here to call bullshit on that notion. Life as a defense attorney isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Your name on an NFL roster is pretty much a free pass to bang Playmates. And the amazing part is it’s always dudes like Hank Baskett — mediocre players who can’t crack the two deep on a fantasy roster — who take advantage. Let’s take a look at some other examples…

Adam Archuleta and Jennifer Walcott

The former Rams and Redskins safety (recently cut by the Raiders) is engaged to well known former Playmate Jennifer Walcott. They also have a kid together. Nice to know staying on an active roster isn’t any sort of prerequisite to marrying a bunny.

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