To the chagrin of fans of gay innuendo jokes everywhere, Mike Piazza announced his retirement yesterday. We feel it’s only fitting we memorialize the best-slugging catcher of all time by making baseless fun of him. Little Known Facts About Mike Piazza:

• Since he was selected in the 62nd Round of the ‘88 MLB Draft, Mike regularly refers to Tom Brady as “The NFL’s Version of Mike Piazza”.

• He even thinks Mike Piazza’s Strike Zone for Nintendo 64 sucked ass.

• Mike is best known outside of baseball for establishing The Piazza Precedent, where a celebrity can call a press conference to pronounce they aren’t gay and then automatically not be gay. Even if they are gay.

• The “Warning Track Power” chant officially retired yesterday along with Mike.

• When he first heard the allegations that Tommy Lasorda paid for sex, Mike’s initial response was, “With girls?”.

• Mike and his former Playmate wife belong to a book club with Jeff Garcia and his former Playmate wife. And there’s nothing to read into that.

• Roger Clemens threw the barrel of the bat at Piazza in the World Series due to an eight year premature crack Clemens heard Mike make about Mindy McCready looking like a dude.

• Mike’s the only member of the ‘97 Dodgers not to have gotten a piece of Alyssa Milano.

• Has been quoted as saying, “Shea Stadium really doesn’t smell as bad as people say. Everyone talks about how it smells like a day old turd when it’s really more like day old cat piss.”

• Billy Ray Cyrus was Mike’s wedding singer. And that’s not a joke.

Farewell, Mike. Please consider regrowing the mullet n’ stache combo while in retirement.

[Editor’s Note: We intended to run this yesterday before the Sweet Sixteen started. Didn’t work out that way.]

West Virginia. Bob Huggins can shotgun a beer faster than you can. And his team will probably have burned your couch before you’ve finished your twelve ounces as well.

Xavier. Contrary to popular belief, Xavier McDaniel (the X-Man), did not attend Xavier and the school is not named after him.

Western Kentucky. Their mascot Big Red is in no way supposed to have anything to do with menstruation despite what many people assume.

UCLA. Are not paying off officiating crews, just allowing them to have their way with Bruins cheerleaders. It’s a far more cost effective way to get calls.

Washington State. They heard you talking about their “boring” style of play and want you to know you’re the fucking boring one.

North Carolina. Tyler Hansbrough’s eyes have been stuck like that ever since he found out where babies come from. I put my pee-pee where?!

Louisville. Players insist Rick Pitino gives the “Larry Bird is not walking through that door!” speech before every big game. It’s a real motivator.

Tennessee. As a side bet with his assistants, Bruce Pearl has guaranteed he will bang Pat Summit before his tenure at Tennessee is up.

Davidson. If Davidson hadn’t offered Stephen Curry a scholarship his next option was for him to pull a “Ladybugs” and walk onto a D-I women’s team.

Wisconsin. There’s two less white dudes on their team than you think there are.

Stanford. Yeah, everyone knows that Robin Lopez is dating Michelle Wie, but no one realizes that Brooke Lopez is dating Tad Fujikawa.

Villanova. The school is technically Catholic but the majority of the basketball squad practices Scientology.

Kansas. Bill Self was recently voted the second most boring person in Kansas. The guy who was voted first is expected to come out of his coma any day now.

Michigan State. Tom Izzo is such a good tournament coach, because he threatens to bring John L. Smith in as an assistant coach if his team loses a game.

Memphis. They don’t judge you for thinking banging hot chicks is overrated, they don’t want you to judge them for thinking free throws are overrated.