You meet Married Guy for a beer after work on a weekday. He’s waiting at the bar for you.

You: Hey, man. Been a while.

Married Guy: Hey, there he is. Good to see you pal. Things have been crazy lately. I needed a beer. Here you go.

[MG slides you a beer]

You: Oh, thanks. Wow. Man, tell you the truth, I couldn’t believe you were cool to hang out on a Wednesday. I figured this was couples cooking night or some shit like that.

MG: Ha. Ha. Ha. You think about that one the whole way over here, wise ass? Go fuck yourself. We both know I can do whatever the hell I want.

You: Oh, is that right? So spending last weekend helping her dad move in with his new girlfriend was something you wanted to do? And you can hit up the strip club with me after we get a little loaded, no problem?

MG: Yes on both counts, bitch. But whatever. I’m not here to talk about what I can and can’t do. I want to run something by you.

You: OK.

MG: Well, I was thinking. Since we don’t get to hang out much anymore…

You: Because I’m busy being awesome and the last time I called you on a Friday night you told me you guys had just started “No Reservations”.

MG: I was fucking sick that weekend! That was a special circumstance! Let it go. Will you let me finish? OK, so, Sarah and I were talking, and she’s go this friend…

You: Oh, no fucking way! [Dramatically slam hands on bar] Are you serious? You’re trying to set me up. That’s what this is all about? Hanging out during the week. Greasing me up by buying me a beer when you know I love beers. All so I’ll go out on a date with one of Sarah’s chubby friends!

MG: First of all, this one’s not that chubby. Secondly, just something I wanted to run by you. Thought it might be cool.

(more…)

I, the Married Guy, am spending Christmas with my in-laws. A two-word summation: it blows.

I have a family too, you know. But apparently one Thanksgiving dinner with them is an even trade off for me spending an entire week in the suburbs of a city I don’t like pretending I don’t think the place, the food, or the people suck, when, in fact, that is exactly what I think.

I know what you’re thinking: at least I’ll swing some decent swag out of this personal sacrifice. Nope. These people are the worst fucking gift-givers ever. I’d rather unwrap boxes of dogshit than old man sweaters, towel sets, and gift certificates to T.J. Maxx. My mother-in-law is apparently under the assumption that I’m a 37-year old gay man. After two years it’s to the point where I just root for a present that I can exchange for something halfway decent, but I’m starting to come to the conclusion that these people shop exclusively at flea markets.

As an added bonus my father-in-law is the single most boring human being on the planet. The guy might as well exhale carbon monoxide because I feel like I’m dying a slow death every time I hear “flat tax” exit his lips.

(more…)

I, the Married Guy, spent all last night handing out candy to a bunch of little whiny bastards.

It sucked. It suuuucked. This time last year I lived in an apartment and spent all Halloween night watching sports and/or watching porn. It was awesome. No one knocked on my door. No one in my life asked me to watch less sports or less porn. Life was good.

This year I had to go buy twenty dollars worth of Nerds and Baby Ruths, and act overly excited about each individual kids’ costumes. Even the lame ones. And some of them were really fucking lame. Captain Jack Sparrow? Is it 2003? Get original.

Next year I’m turning the lights off. Seriously. Or I’m just going to punch one of the goth sixteen year olds that comes to my door and thinks they can get some candy. Those retards have it coming.

I, the Married Guy, am completely freaking out right now. Total meltdown mode.

My buddy and his wife just told me and my wife that they’re having a kid.

That’s right, a kid. Not a puppy. Not a house plant. A fucking human being. Apparently they’ve laid off the pill for a few months and now my friend’s wife is going to shoot another mammal out of herself.

I don’t know what I’m more weirded out by. The fact that my buddy not only seems to be OK with this, but is acting as if this is some sort of miracle, like all kinds of trailer trash don’t knock each other up every day. OR, the fact that my wife got a creepy glimmer in her eye when they told us the news, like she’s been patiently waiting for someone to get the ball rolling and giver her some leverage.

(more…)

I, the Married Guy, have just coerced one more of my dipshit friends over to the dark side.

I was hemorrhaging all the “marriage is awesome,” “sex gets even better,” “she never stops cooking” bullshit and he lapped it up. The dumb bastard won’t even know what hit him until it’s way too fucking late.

But screw him. I need numbers. I was numero uno to cross the threshold and the hell if I’m not bringing a few with me. This makes four of us now. The bell curve is starting to take form. The advantage is slowly beginning to sway my way. They’ll all join me soon.

(more…)