“RAMBO” comes out on DVD next Tuesday. I’m not going to bother with any spoiler alerts because they’re lame and if you don’t already have a pretty good idea as to how the plot of “RAMBO” goes I think you suck anyway.

First thing I’d like to make known is that I hated this movie…for not being an hour longer (BONG!).

Seriously, after watching “RAMBO” I’m a little too excited thinking about the possibility of Stallone doing a 5th installment. This flick is like the perfect storm of cheesy action movies: Shit blowing up, horrendous dialogue, and Sly Stallone.

This tagline pretty much says it all: “Heroes never die…They just reload.”

God, I love Stallone.

Synopsis:

Vietnam veteran John RAMBO has withdrawn into a simple and secluded existence in Thailand, where he spends his retirement (from being awesome) wrangling snakes for Thai children and chauffeuring locals around in his old PT boat. It’s really a lot like growing old in South Florida.

One day a group of human rights missionaries, led by a dude named Michael and chick named Sarah (a serious bringer of wood), arrive and approach RAMBO to rent his boat so they can travel up river to Burma to help the farmers of that region who have endured brutally oppressive rule from the murderous Burmese military and have been struggling to yada, yada, yada. Here’s the Irony short version:

• RAMBO makes friends with the hot chick.
• The hot chick inexplicably finds trouble when confronting a Burmese warlord.
• In order to save the hot chick RAMBO must kill roughly two thousand people.

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Synopsis:

“21″ is based on an awesome true story. Unfortunately, the producers decided to take a crap all over the truth and go with “Mighty Ducks” meets “Rounders” instead.

Pretty much all you need to know is a M.I.T. student named Ben wants to get into Harvard Medicine but can’t afford it since he’s poor and so are his parents (and apparently student loans don’t exist), so his math professor (Kevin Spacey) teaches him and five other students to count cards. Sounds exiting, right? Actually, not so much.

This escalates to Ben and his crew making secret casino trips where they start beating the house with what is basically a combination of subtle Pig Latin and several different versions of the Tomahawk Chop. SHOCKINGLY, Ben gets corrupted by greed, forgets about med school, and puts his professor and friends on the radar of brutal security enforcer (Laurence Fishburne).

Seriously, who gives a fuck about their professor or their friends when they’re dominating the Blackjack table? Hookers are better friends anyway. They never talk back to you.

Irony’s Opinion:

“21″ is just another example of a movie that sucks because of the PG-13 rating. Toss in some gratuitous profanity and nudity and this flick could actually be kind of awesome. Congrats, Hollywood. Maybe for an encore you can remake “Basic Instinct” and scratch the moose knuckles scene.

Message to the Producers:

You made a movie about Vegas, gambling, and strip clubs and you managed to avoid plot substance and nudity. Awesome. I think only “Vegas Vacation” can say it accomplished the same thing. And at least “Vegas Vacation” had Cousin Eddie. All you had was an Asian kid with a bad haircut.

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“Untraceable” is too high tech for its on good. Steve Jobs would get lost watching this thing. On top of that, it’s so far fetched you get the feeling a producer somewhere is snickering at what a dumbass you are for even attempting to make it all the way through it.

The Plot (pretty much me paraphrasing IMDb with my thoughts in parentheses):

This chick FBI agent (sometimes cougar Diane Lane) gets caught in a very personal and deadly cat-and-mouse game with a serial killer who knows that people (being what they are, both curious and drawn to the darker side of things) will log onto an “untraceable” website where he conducts violent and painful murders LIVE via the internet. (I”m SHOCKED! Are you SHOCKED?!)

As far as I’m concerned Lorenzo Llamas’s “Renegade” had a more realistic plot than this movie along with superior character development.

Irony’s Theory:

Whatever computer geek wrote “Untraceable” undoubtedly went through the following creative process: 1) Had a killer idea for a movie, 2) Got halfway through writing it, started feeling less creative, and decided to smoke as much pot as possible, 3) Got real fucking hungry and made a run to KFC to try out their new popcorn chicken, 4) The last hundred pages are smeared with greasy fingerprints.

Things That Are Actually “Untraceable” in This Flick:

1) The plot (see above).

2) Diane Lane’s sex appeal. WTF happened to Diane Lane? She is looking her age and not in the hot cougar way she’s supposed to be. I can’t stress enough how disappointing she is in this movie. Zero makeup, zero skin, zero public bathroom scenes. The only thing there seemed not to be zero of are wrinkles. I think she might be making a go at being a “serious” actress. Sad, very sad.

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Think “Bourne Identity” minus the intelligent plot and quality acting. Also think right in my wheelhouse.

The Main Character:

An unstoppable hitman who elite government agencies attempt to track down, but can’t despite all their efforts. REALLY? The guy has a fucking barcode tattooed to his bald head and dresses like a Versace model. Doesn’t seem like it’d be that tough to spot him.

The Plot:

The movie is set mostly in Russia, so you’re in for a lot of ugly dudes with beards and machine guns hunting down the Hitman and continually getting outsmarted by him. And in case you’re not aware, all Russians apparently belong to the mafia. This flick has an absolute dedication to stereotypes. I’m pretty sure if the movie was based in Poland the producers would have made all the extras stare at orange juice cartons because they’re labeled “concentrate”.

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In honor of the first season of “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” and Christian Bale taking the lead role as John Connor in the “Terminator 4″, I’m dedicating today’ column to comparing “T2″ (the definitive “Terminator”) to the new TV series.

For the purposes of this column and the best interests of all involved, we’re just going to pretend that “Terminator 3″ never happened. I’m not interested in any movie that casts manish Claire Daines in the female lead (sorry, JB) and features a hot blonde stripper robot who never goes full frontal.

“Terminator 2″ v. “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”

Let’s start with the obvious….

The Chick Playing Sarah Connor: Linda Hamilton v. Lena Headey

Before I begin, why the hell can’t Denise Richards land this role? She was very convincing as a nuclear physicist in that “The World is Not Enough”. Who said Sara Connor can’t have an awesome rack? I would also like to throw Posh Spice’s name in the “hat” for any future Sarah Connor roles. Sorry for the rant, here we go…

In “T2″ Linda Hamilton was way too chiseled for my taste. And the crazy in her eyes was not the kind of crazy I like to see in my ladies either (crazy is kinda like the Schwartz, there’s an upside and a downside). Plus, the only thing she’s done since “T2″ was a REAL quick appearance on FX’s “Thief” (my buddy Squirrel is still bullshit “Thief” got canceled).

Lena Headey, for starters, has a much cooler name than Linda Hamilton (”head”-ey, heh, heh). When I hear the name Linda I think of someone reminding me to put my seat in an upright position. Lena was also in “300″ (remember the “love” scene?) and a straight-to-DVD flick with one of my all-time favorite actors, Wesley “Willie Mays Hayes” Snipes, called “The Contractor”. I’m guessing Wesley wasn’t building houses, but instead he was killing fools.

Well, this one’s easy. Both Linda and Lena are flat chested and neither is “leave your wife” hot. Linda by all means should be the winner because of her dedication to the role and because she is an “OG”. BUT Lena was in “300″, which was way more boss than the lifetime original movies Linda keeps reappearing in. You factor in the name differential and the “love” scene, this becomes a no-brainer…

Advantage: Lena as Sarah Connor.

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Steve Irony breaks down two of his favorite mindless movie franchises.

The Storylines

Take some Adderall and pay attention, this is going to be difficult to explain.

One movie has a hot chick with a Russian accent and super human powers wearing a tiny red dress and fighting zombie-like folks. The other movie has a hot vampire chick with a British accent wearing leather and fighting both vampires AND werewolves. SOOOO, there isn’t exactly a world of differences between the two outside of accents.

Off the cuff, I give the accent edge to “Underworld”. I have a special place for British ladies. Milla Jovovich’s Russian accent in the “Resident Evil” movies makes her sound like she should either be eating Oreos while playing Texas Hold’ Em or giving me a lap dance while telling me, “The America is so great.”

Advantage: “Underworld”

The Actresses

Milla Jovovich v. Kate Beckinsale.

These are two very attractive women, but I have to give the edge to Milla for not being scared to show some skin. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Beckinsale, especially that accent, but it’s nothing but full body leather in both movies. That’s all well and good, but after awhile it runs its course and I need a wardrobe change. Maybe some shorts and a tank top. Maybe she could hit the gym in her sports bra and spandex biking shorts. Maybe at some point she could put on one of those fancy dresses that brings out the cleavage. It’s not like she’s a method actress or anything.

Advantage: “Resident Evil”

Personal Note to Kate from Steve: Kate, have some fun out there. Lighten up. Relax. You’re a pretty lady. Use it while you have it. It doesn’t last forever and pretty soon you won’t be able to sleep your way into a Lifetime movie. Take a note from “The Life and Times of Diane Lane”. Make the most of your assets. You’ve got roughly four years before Rachael Bilson starts grabbing your roles.

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Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty movie connoisseur, Steve Irony, analyzes the thing he loves most: shitty movies.

Let’s start with my background and qualifications, a brief history if you will. As long as I can remember I’ve been drawn to bad movies (well, not always bad, just never of the “Two Thumbs Up” variety). I am married to a VERY understanding woman. She’s endured countless hours with timeless actors like Mario Van Peebles and Steven Seagal.

I do enjoy great movies like “American Beauty”, “Citizen Kane”, “Rear Window”, “Alien”, “A Beautiful Mind”, “Field of Dreams”, and “Total Recall”; I just have a higher threshold for shitty movies than the average semi-rational male. I readily admit it and make no apologizes.

Over the years I’ve put in serious time with all things “Highlander”, including the TV series. I’ve enjoyed the work of Lorenzo Lamas, both in “Renegade” and the “Snake Eater” movies. I was devastated when Fox canceled Thomas Haden Church’s “Ned and Stacy”. I truly enjoyed both “Transporter” movies. AND LAST, but certainly not least, “Grandma’s Boy” goes down as an instant classic in my book, due largely to the record setting level of dick and fart jokes (known as “D&F” going forward).

In this column I will not be “reviewing” movies that are just bad; in fact, I will be reviewing movies that are awesomely BAD. For example, who didn’t like Andrew Dice Clay’s “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane”? Anyone?

Or how about the epic 1985 Harlem-based karate movie, “The Last Dragon”? You’ve seen it, right? It’s the one with the black shogun named “Sho’ Nuff”, where everyone is searching to find the “Master”, and the “Master” actually turns out to be a computer in the back of a Chinese restaurant. Classic! Go fuck yourself if you don’t own that movie on DVD. (Here’s a clip if you’re interested; might be easier to explain watching porn at work than this though.) (more…)