On the eve of the tournament we met with Billy Packer during UNC’s practice in Raleigh to discuss monkeys, “fagging out”, and O.J. Simpson. We pretend it went something like this:

[Billy sitting in stands watching the Tarheel squad shoot free throws.]

NextRound: Hey, Billy, it’s us, the guys from NextRound.net. How’s it going? We’re here for the interview. Is now a good time?

Billy Packer: What the fuck is a next round?

NR: We’re a website…on the internet. Remember? We talked to your agent and scheduled a quick interview for tonight. He said it would be no big deal as long as you weren’t piss drunk already.

BP: Ha! Too late. What an asshole my agent is.

[Billy tips back plastic commemorative tournament cup.]

NR: Cool. Is that beer? Are they serving beer? A beer would be awesome right now.

BP: If by “beer”, you mean airplane bottles of Jack, and if by “they”, you mean my pants pockets, then yes.

[Billy digs into pants, disregards empties falling to the floor, pours bottle into second commemorative cup for us.]

NR: Bad. Ass. Dude, we take back like 50% of the shit we’ve said about you.

BP: A website, huh? I don’t know too much about computers, think they’re devil’s work. Are you one of those loggers Nantz has been warning me about? Can you explain to me what the hell computers and lumber have to do with one another. I inspected Nantz’s computer the other day and it seems like it’s made of metal and plastic.

NR: [Trying to determine if we heard the seal break when Billy opened the airplane bottle] Loggers? You mean BLOGgers. I guess you could technically call us that, except we don’t really report news, or do anything of substance. We just kind of make fun of people.

BP: Sounds a lot like my gig…So why you guys here? Want to talk about tomorrow’s matchups? I’ve only got about thirty minutes before I pass out.

NR: Tell you the truth Billy, we think our analysis is WAY better than yours, so we won’t waste either of our time. We want to talk about you. Ask you questions like: what pinnacle of your career do you consider more awesome? The time you called Iverson a “tough monkey”, or the time you told the chick working the door at a Duke game she should only be allowed to work women’s games.

BP: Oh, the lesbo at Cameron Indoor. 100 percent.

NR: Cool, that’s what we figured.

BP: What a royal bitch she was. Packer had to set her straight. The Iverson comment was taken out of context. I’m no racist. If anything, I just really like monkeys. I thought I was handing out some pretty high praise there.

(more…)

Here at NextRound we’ve long been mystified by Justin Timberlake.

The guy’s uncanny ability to maintain serious street cred, renowned likability, and undeniable panty dropper status despite being kind of a little bitch and the former effeminate front man of a boy band is the sort of thing that keeps us up at night.

So we decided we’d sit down with him and ask a few questions to try and clear the matter up once and for all. We imagine it went something like this:

NextRound: Justin, hey. How’s it going? Good to see you. (Attempt to shake hands.)

Justin Timberlake: What up, playas? (Morphs our gesture into complex handshake ending with a half hug. It is awkward.)

NR: Seriously dude, lose the playa stuff. We’re white guys.

JT: Oh, OK. Whatever. Just trying to keep it real…So, what did you fellas think of the big HBO special the other night? I felt really good about it. Everyone keeps telling me it was off the chain.

NR: HBO special, what HBO special?

JT: My concert special. On HBO. Last weekend.

NR: Dude, do you really expect us to sit down and watch one of your concerts on television? How long is it, like 3 hours?

JT: Something like that.

NR: That sounds brutal. Any straight guy that sat down and watched you sing and dance on television when college football was on better have gotten laid for it. If not, they have some self evaluation to do.

JT: (Silent.)

(more…)

With “The Bourne Ultimatum” dominating the past weekend and Matt Damon seeming like a pretty OK dude, we thought we’d grab a beer with him and have a chat.

We met Matt at a pub (the most non-homoerotic place we can think of to meet another dude). We pretend it went something like this:

NextRound: What’s up man? How’s it going? Sounds like you’re kicking the shit out of the box office.

Matt Damon: Good to see you guys. I’m good. The movie’s doing really well so I have no complaints. What did you guys think of it?

NR: Oh, we haven’t seen it yet.

MD: Really? You haven’t seen it? Isn’t that kind of a prerequisite for an interview like this?

NR: Dude, lighten up. You’re movie came out on Friday. We drink beers on the weekend. We plan on catching it for sure sometime this week.

MD: Alright, I guess. Just seems…

NR: Hey, don’t worry about it. No offense taken. You can buy us a beer to make up for it. (Motion at bartender that we’ll have what Matt’s having.)

MD: Huh?

NR: So, first question. You play quite the bad ass as Jason Bourne. To tell you the truth, we didn’t quite buy you playing Bourne before we saw the first flick. Didn’t think of you as an ‘action guy’. You pulled it off though. Guess that means you’re a good actor or something. But that doesn’t mean we think you could kick our ass though. Because we don’t. (Hard stare at MD to drive our point home.)

(Pause)

MD: That’s not a question.

(more…)

News broke yesterday that Scarlett Johansson accepted the starring role in the new biopic based on Jenna Jameson’s autobiography, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star. [Sources: Sun Online, WWTDD]

In light of this revelation we thought we’d catch up with Scarlett and ask her a few questions. She asked us to meet her at hotel bar in New York. We pretend it went something like this:

NextRound: Hey, Scarlett, how’s it going? Wow. You’re looking way better than the last time we saw you. Glad to see you lost the nose ring. It was creepy.

Scarlett Johansson: Thanks, I think. Good to see you too.

NR: And what was with those weird soccer mom shorts you were wearing? You should really stay away from nose rings and soccer mom shorts. Alone they’re both pretty brutal, but at the same time they come together like a Voltron of ugly. Bad news. Going forward you should…

SJ: Didn’t you guys want to talk to me about the new movie?

NR: Oh, yeah, right, the new movie. Want to get a drink first?

SJ: Sure, I’ll have a vodka tonic.

NR: (To bartender) We’ll have a beer and our special lady friend will have a vodka tonic. (We pat our jeans pockets) Ooooh, Scarlett…looks like we may have left our wallet in our other pair of jeans.

(more…)

Yesterday we briefly mentioned the recent interview with Brynn Cameron (aka the USC basketball player Matt Leinart knocked up) where she dispelled the notion that Matt Leinart is an awesome absentee dad, a notion that Leinart himself has encouraged with the media.

In light of all this we thought we’d catch up with Leinart and ask him few questions. He asked us to meet him at a martini bar in Phoenix. We pretend it went something like this:

NextRound: What’s up, dude? Been a while. Are you buying?

Matt Leinart: You asked me to do the interview. Why would I be buying?

NR: Because you signed like a $10 Mil signing bonus and we just bought a racehorse and are about broke.

ML: OK, whatever. (To the bartender) I’ll have a Cosmo, and they’ll have…

NR: We’ll have a beer. Dude, a Cosmo is pretty gay. Why’d you order that? We’re kind of uncomfortable sitting next to you now. You might as well have asked the bartender to mix you up a blowjob shot.

(more…)