We wanted to write something today about the new Dane Cook / Kate Hudson movie, My Best Friend’s Girl, which opens this weekend, but we couldn’t really find an angle outside of “Holy shit that movie looks terrible” and “Man, Dane Cook is the worst” and “Thank god Alec Baldwin is in it or there might be multiple cases of theater stabbings”.

Then we visited Dane Cook’s IMDb page and — much like after our first visit to a massage parlor — all became clear. Take a look (click to enlarge):

That’s right, playing some douchebag named “Tank” in My Best Friend’s Girl is the most recent entry. There’s nothing else. Nothing “completed” or “filming” or in “pre-” or “post-production” like on just about every other mainstream actor’s page (Jason Statham’s for example…Crank 2!). Sure, there’s the “2 in-development” credits listed at the top but that just means losers with nothing better to do can pay IMDb to find out that Dane is willing to give out handjobs for meetings with studio execs.

Our long national Dane Cook nightmare may soon be over. All it took was a slew of unfunny movies to convince Hollywood of what the rest of us already knew: Dane Cook isn’t funny. We have to imagine once this crapfest with Kate Hudson gets beat in the box office by Sam Jackson going Cape Fear on an interracial couple it will mark the end of seeing Dane’s name at the top of any credits. That also means not seeing him during commercial breaks, and not seeing him on the side of city buses, and not reading stories about how a bunch of Massholes thought it would be a good idea to name yesterday Dane Cook Day.

Sleep easier tonight, our friends. We know we will.

(Editor’s Note: Who else plans to DVR Mr. 3000 next time it’s on cable?)

Bangkok Dangerous looks so GD hilarious it got us to thinking about other action movies that are actually comedies. Not action flicks with intentional comedy elements, we’re talking unintentional comedy at its finest. Here are some of our favorites. We’ve limited the list to one movie per actor because we didn’t want this thing to turn into Stallone’s IMDb page.

Firestorm

You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed Howie Long as a fire-fighting action star. We own the DVD because this flick is the only thing that can cheer us up after a truly horrendous day.  The axe-out-of-the-water scene is pretty much the awesomest scene in cinematic history.

Over the Top

Speaking of Stallone, of all the comedic material there is to choose from we go Over the Top for several reasons: A) It’s about arm wrestling, B) Sly’s character has a patented backwards hat turn, C) Scenes with the gay son are tremendous, and D) Someone painted the below picture. If you go Cobra in this spot we won’t argue.

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We’ve got a lot of football related things to get to today so we’re going to make this brief: Brett Ratner is the worst. Who is Brett Ratner? Why, he’s the hobbit looking director responsible for such crapfests as X-Men: The Last Stand and Rush Hour III. At first we didn’t think the guy was all that bad. He made some good but not great movies. But being the industry insiders we are we came to realize fairly quickly that Ratner is in fact a debilitating douchebag.

Up until ‘03 he made some decent flicks like Red Dragon and the original Rush Hour, but then all of a sudden the guy is way too excited to be taking pictures with Paris Hilton, palling around with Joe Simpson and John Edwards, asking you where he can score some coke, running the X-Men franchise into the ground, and making lameass Entourage cameos where he attempts to depict himself as the next Hugh Hefner.

And now to top things off this weasel has signed Eddie Murphy to do Beverly Hills Cop 4, which will undoubtedly make two ass clowns a bunch of money despite being the worst movie ever made. Al Gore needs to finish that time machine he’s building NOW. Because we need to borrow that bitch and go back in time and off some people in their primes. Namely Eddie Murphy.

Seriously, if you live in LA and see this midget Ratner anywhere near a flight of stairs, kick him down those stairs. It will be just like that scene in Get Shorty, only much easier because Ratner’s a tubby elf.

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Here’s the trailer for Fast & Furious (aka The Fast and the Furious 4), which reunites the cast from the award winning critically acclaimed original. Let’s dive in.

What We Know:

• It’s a lot easier to make the sequel no one originally wanted to make when the cast isn’t getting any other offers.
• Vin Diesel plays Dungeons & Dragons.
• Being a truck driver in the Dominican Republic is a really shitty job.
• Paul Walker’s acting range is on par with Kevin Federline’s.

What We Can Guess:

• Michelle Rodriguez isn’t into dudes.
• Whoever was planning on naming this flick 4 Fast 4 Furious woke up in the middle of the night and realized they’re an idiot.
• Vin Diesel calls himself Riddick when no one’s around.
• The earliest we’ll see this movie is three years from now on USA.
• The sequel to Eight Below will never get greenlit not matter how much Paul Walker begs for it.

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Nick Cage is one of our favorite actors. Not so much for his acting, more so for his dedication to unintentional comedy. Over the last few years we’ve grown to appreciate him even more as he’s gone as far as to sacrifice his hair for the sake of audience laughs. We’re pretty sure it all started when Nick rewatched Con Air on TNT one hungover Sunday and came to the realization that funny hair will make any unintentionally hilarious movie even more unintentionally hilarious. Ever since then he’s taken things to a whole new level. Here’s the best of…

The Con Air Hair. Where it all started. Fingers crossed Nick catches this flick on cable again in the next few months and decides every character he plays going forward should have a Southern accent.

The Next Hair. How our local Blockbuster has this flick filed under “Action” is beyond us. Fucking hysterical.

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What people will infer about you when they find out you went to see Disaster Movie:

• You think Dane Cook is fucking hilarious.

• You managed to get through Epic Movie, Date Movie, AND Meet the Spartans without any of them killing you.

• When someone mentions going out to dinner, you immediately think Applebee’s.

• You don’t get The Office.

• When someone says, “I read the book” you’re not really sure what the hell they’re talking about.

• You don’t understand how that Cavemen show didn’t make it.

• You really miss those You Might Be a Redneck jokes.

• As far as you’re concerned, that Mini Me guy never gets old.

• There aren’t a plethora of diplomas hanging around your place.

• You lock your keys in your car more than the average person.

• Seeing Larry the Cable Guy in the credits is not a warning sign to you.

• You can’t understand why Jason Statham never gets nominated for anything.

• You thought Tropic Thunder was pretty good, but could have used more nut shots.

If you’ve seen the trailer for or have read anything about Babylon A.D. – the new Vin Diesel sci-fi flick — you’re probably well aware that it’s going to suck. And even if you’ve never heard of Babylon A.D. you would probably guess it’s going to suck once you found out it stars Vin Diesel. That guy lost you somewhere between The Pacifier and dressing up like Ice Cube for the XXX sequel.

But before all that Vin Diesel was in a few of movies that weren’t completely unwatchable. Five to be exact.

Saving Private Ryan. Diesel must have been sitting on naked pictures of Spielberg and that kid who played Short Round, because there’s really no explanation as to how he got cast in Saving Private Ryan. The dude had virtually nothing on his resume at the time yet some how lands a supporting gig next to a bunch of really talented actors in one of the best flicks ever made. Something still doesn’t add up there.

Boiler Room. Arguably the most likable Vin Diesel has ever come off in his entire career, probably because he was genetically engineered to hock crappy stocks over the telephone. Or maybe it’s just because he was a solid contrast to what a little bitch Giovanni Ribisi is.

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It came down to me reviewing one of two movies, and with the whole wife and kids thing soaking up more time than you’d think I take movie selection very seriously. (Sidenote: It’s kind of scary to sit back and think about the number of shitty movies I watch in relation to the little amount of free time I have…pot probably does have long-term side effects.)

Anyways, I had my choices whittled down to Son of Rambo and Redbelt. That means I was choosing between a movie about two young boys filming a movie OR a movie about this some black dude you always see in supporting roles (Chiwetel Ejiofor) doing karate. Watching little boys isn’t really my thing so I went with the fight flick.

Apparently I’m an idiot. I should have watched Wall-E and called it a night.

IMDb Synopsis (with Irony’s commentary):

“A fateful event leads to a job in the film business for top mixed-martial arts instructor Mike Terry. Though he refuses to participate in prize bouts, circumstances conspire to force him to consider entering such a competition.”

Sounds like a whole bunch of ass whooping, right? A bunch of punching and kicking people in the face, right? Well, what if I told you everyone pretty much decides to talk things out in the end. How would that make you feel?

OH YEAH, did I mention Tim Allen is in this movie? Yeah, Tim Allen. Apparently Ted Danson was booked solid. When Tim first appeared on screen I could have sworn I was seeing things. And I was. I was seeing washed up actors cashing paychecks.

THIS MOVIE SUCKS.

The fight style used throughout the flick is Ju-Jitsu. For those of you who aren’t familiar it’s pretty much Brazilian grappling. It’s the thinking man’s fighting style, one of finesse and science, patience and speed. It tends to end with the opponent either tapping out or falling asleep, much like the spectators.

Honestly, this movie might as well have starred Bobby Fisher. They took an absolutely great idea and pissed all over it. If this producer had gotten hold of Rambo he would have had Stallone filling up Rambo’s boat’s gas tank for 45 minutes, catching fish for 10 or so, and then arm wrestling the war lord for the hostages. The End.

Redbelt has three fight scenes. 3 FUCKING FIGHT SCENES!

You know what other movies have three fight scenes? Lifetime Originals. BONG!!!!!

Things I Thought While Watching Redbelt:

1) This movie sucks.

2) I wonder if she will get naked.

3) Nope.

4) My balls hurt.

5) That fart smells.

6) I need to call my wife down here to smell it it’s so bad.

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Say what you will about Jason Statham and the movies he makes, but there’s no denying he’s got quite the action star resume for a guy with no hair. It’s kind of impressive when you think about it, that a dude with that hardcore of a receder is regularly taken seriously as a raging badass. When we meet bald guys in real life we automatically discount the seriousness with which we take them right off the bat. It’s a real tribute to the action legend that is Statham that he manages to rock male pattern on the big screen with such ease.

There are only a handful of other actors even in the Statham ballpark, and none of them pull off bald tough guy acting to quite the extent he does. And for the record, shaved doesn’t count. We’re solely discussing actors who don’t have the option to grow hair, not guys who just like the shape of their own dome (read: Vin Diesel).

Jason Statham. The guy exclusively makes watchable popcorn action flicks AND doesn’t pussy foot around his hairline. It’s kind of hard not to respect the shit out of him.

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Tropic Thunder opens today and will — by all accounts — be a big hit. And you know what that means: sequels, prequels, spin-offs, and rip-offs. Here are a few things we hear are already in the works.

Hawaiian Tropic Thunder. The only consistent complaint from audiences who have screened Tropic Thunder is that there aren’t enough girls in bikinis. We haven’t seen the movie yet, but we wholeheartedly agree. The studio will be looking to answer this deficiency by setting the Miss Hawaiian Tropic Pageant in the backdrop of the sequel. We’re already in.

Tropic Thunder in Paradise. Do you miss the Thunder in Paradise TV show as much as we do? Anyone else smell a Hulk Hogan/Jack Black buddy action comedy in the not so distant future? Hollywood certainly won’t be able to pass up this golden opportunity to reinvigorate a franchise. And by Hollywood, we of course mean Hollywood Hogan.

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