If you’re like us, you like your senior citizens best when they’re falling over. Take this tremendous, tremendous compilation — complete with Talking Heads soundtrack — for example…

Or when this old guy managed to fall up an escalator…

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We imagine it would look something like this…

It’s no secret that the newspaper industry is in a world of hurt. And it’s beginning to become increasingly obvious that surviving ‘09 may be more than a tricky proposition for several major papers. It’s quite a shame, especially when you think about people whose lives will be drastically different when there are no more newspapers. Like…

• Life as a Stalker. What do does a stalker line his bedroom wall with if not the newspaper clippings of his obsession?

• Life as an Art Teacher. 3-D art class will have to be replaced by even more GD watercolors when paper mache is no longer an option.
  

• Life as a Poor Kid. What’s a kid supposed to do for headwear when they can no longer fashion a newspaper into a kick ass sailor hat?

• Life as the Asian Guy at the Market. Fish gotta be wrapped in something.

• Life as a Bum. From washing windows to insulating coats to using newspapers as makeshift blankets, the homeless may be hit the hardest.

• Life as a Hippie. Hippies may as well start offing themselves if they can’t spend their days bitching at people for not recycling the paper.

• Life as a High School Kid Hosting a Kegger. Nothing soaks up vomit like newspaper. Nothing.

• Life as a Pet Store Owner. Newspaper is lifeblood of any good pet store operation. Animal shit left unchecked is a recipe for disaster.

Quite the dose of reality, eh? At least it looks like we picked the right medium. And to think, we almost started our own comic strip.

Some movies call for bad acting. It’s as simple as that. In the 80’s just about every other film made required bad acting of some sort. This century that ratio has dropped considerably but there’s still a time and a place for the best of bad acting.

This is where Keanu Reeves gets a raw deal. Sure, pretty boys like Leo DiCaprio spend all their time and energy concentrating on “good” acting, garnering critical acclaim and the respect of their peers. That’s all well and good, but that shit just doesn’t fly on a hungover afternoon.

Enter Keanu. The guy has been delivering the best of bad acting since the late 80’s. Johnny Utah is our generation’s Michael Corleone for one reason and one reason only: Keanu. When other so-called “actors” like DiCaprio don’t find roles “challenging” enough, Keanu swoops in and makes them pop culture phenomenon…

Could Leo have sold the “Shoot a Gun in the Air While Screaming” scene from Point Break?

Doubt it.

How would Leo have reacted to “Pop quiz, hotshot”?

Yep. He would have shit his pants.

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We’ve had the misfortune of attending multiple office holiday parties over the years. And if there’s one common theme it’s that multiple people will contribute in making the whole thing suck. These ten especially…

1) The Sloppy Close Talking Admin. Her eggnog breath isn’t quite as brutal as being forced to determine whether she’s trying to make out with you or just really wants to hammer home that her son has finally kicked his meth habit for good.

2) The Judgmental Sober Guy. In between casually reminding everyone he “doesn’t drink” like it’s his one-way ticket to heaven you notice him mouthing “six or seven?” to himself when you grab your eighth beer.

3) The Hot 24 Year-old Who Shows Up with Her Boyfriend. You were to understand this holiday party was going to be your best chance to bang her. Where did the douche in a pink polo come from?

4) The Mailroom Guy. The one event a year where he’s everyone’s equal. This occasion calls for his finest cubic zirconia earring and an extra taut ponytail. (more…)

Mall Santas can go bad on several different levels. Here are the twelve worst versions…

Pull My Finger Santa. You’d think the “pull my finger” joke would get old after a hundred or so successful runs, but for PMF Santa it’s like the first time every time.

Narcoleptic Santa. Halfway through hearing a wishlist he’s sawing logs and drooling on a baby.

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A&E has granted the wish of Steven Seagal enthusiasts everywhere by greenlighting a new Seagal reality show. The surefire hit entitled Steven Seagal: Lawman will premier in late 2009 and plans to trail Seagal as he works as a sheriff’s deputy in Louisiana, which he has done on and off for the past decade (Seagal is like the movie star equivalent of Shaq, except with cooler hair and more accusations of sexual harassment).

The only way this could get any awesomer is if they had a naked lady jump out of a cake at the beginning of every episode. And since we want to encourage as many people as possible to watch we’ve compiled this list of awesome things you can anticipate seeing on the show. It’s pretty much guaranteed to blow your mind…

Double-Chinned Guitar Playing!

Drunken Headlocks!

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If you’re in the mood for a horrendously unwatchable sequel and Hollow Man 2 is already checked out look no further than any sequel to a Jim Carrey movie. It probably won’t star Jim Carrey, who — despite spending the entire decade making unwatchable movies — thumbs his nose at sequels, but it probably will to take a few years off your life. Just take a look…

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd. A blatant cash grab aimed at morons and potheads with premium cable. Shia LaBeouf in a jew fro is the only good thing about this flick.

Son of the Mask. Is there more of an insult than having Jamie Kennedy cast in the lead of the straight-to-dvd sequel of your box office hit? That’s kind of like Paris Hilton covering a song by anyone who’s not Paris Hilton.

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When we recently found ourselves debating whether The Office had officially run its course that’s when we knew television had gotten pretty bad. As much as we’ve tried to fight it we’ve gradually come to the conclusion that every single one of our favorite shows has — either slightly or dramatically — lost its edge this season. The “it” factor simply seems to be missing from everything we like to watch. We’ve coined it The Curse of the Writers’ Strike.

Think about it for a moment, and — as long as you don’t enjoy Two and a Half Men — we’re sure you’ll agree. Take these shows for example.

• Heroes. Holy shit. Has any show ever dropped off faster? Heroes was never the best thing on television by any stretch of the imagination, but for two seasons it admirably served its purpose. Between the excessive time travel, the cheesy dialogue, and the go nowhere plotlines it feels like the producers of Days of Our Lives took the reigns. Odds of a Rebound: 1 in 10. 

• The Office. It’s not like The Office isn’t still better than 99% of what’s on television. It is. But the lightning-in-a-bottle feel has dissipated. Dwight is only half as funny. The Jim/Pam tension no longer exists. And “That’s what she said” jokes aren’t quite what they used to be. Odds of a Rebound: 3 in 10.

• Dexter. Dexter is getting married and having a kid and discussing about his feelings. We were to understand Dexter didn’t have any feelings. We liked it a lot better when the dude just killed people. Odds of a Rebound: 4 in 10.
  

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One of the truths you come to learn in life is that there are many cool looks David Hasselhoff can pull off that you simply cannot. Despite how unfair that may be — much like a receding hairline — it’s simply something you have to come to grips with. Here are several examples:

The Eye Patch. We operated under the impression that the Hoff lost an eye in a freak cigar accident for roughly two years after seeing this look.

Cuddling with Two Puppies. How does he look so masculine when you’d look so gay?

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