We can all agree that “Spy Gate” is the worst. The fucking worst. Worse than E! reality shows. Worse than jury duty. Worse than Peta. Worse than that dude from Econ who cocked blocked you junior year thinking he was being funny (what a douche that guy was).

The name is even the worst. Spy Gate. Sounds like a straight-to-DVD Jean Claude Van Damme movie. Next person we hear use “Spy Gate” in a sentence is having their girlfriend slept with.

And to make worse matters even worse, you’ve got Arlen Specter. The one person standing in the way of NFL fans resuming their peaceful, ignorant, fantasy football obsessing existences. Specter’s just like the dude from Econ, except he’s an elected official, and gets media coverage, and his balls sag down to his shins.

If only Specter was into hookers and had a high dosage Viagra prescription. The world (the sports world, anyway) would be a much better place for all of us right now. If Specter popped Viagra with his morning coffee:

• He’d realize how insignificant marginal cheating in professional sports is in comparison to the ability to nab young intern poon despite looking like a day old corpse.

• Our televisions and radios wouldn’t be subjecting us to copious amounts of retarded “analyst” and former NFL player opinions on a subject that no one gives a shit about.

• Specter would be too preoccupied with consulting with his doctor over 4-hour erections to hold press conferences.

Senator Specter, please go away. Stay out of sports. Get a hobby. Something to pass the time. Like maybe immigration. Or campaign reform. Or at the very least start banging a transvestite. Trust us, that is WAY more time consuming than you’d realize.

The point is you’re old with too much time on your hands. And that’s pretty much the blanket description of every person who ruins something that’s good in this country. Feel free to spend today punching yourself in the face.

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We’re not sure if he’s more bullshit about getting knocked out in the second round of “Who’s Now”, the continued employment of Skip Bayless, Sportscenter anchors beating the Giselle thing into the ground like a pack of horny eighth graders, or ESPN’s failure to recognize the Sean Salisbury brand, but at some point Tom Brady joined the rest of us in deciding ESPN is not as cool as it used to be.

He even goes as far as making an MTV comparison. And if he thinks MTV sucks as much ass as we do, that’s saying something.

Whoever said this dude’s not just like one of us? Outside of the winning Super Bowls and banging models thing, which we could do if we wanted to do, of course. We just prefer a low profile.

[Source: Awful Announcing]

The incomparable Tony Romo not only threw out the first pitch at yesterday’s Cubs/Diamondbacks game, but he also did his best Sinatra impersonation when leading the crowd to Take Me Out to the Ballgame (above).Romo was promptly booed by Cubs fans for a cornucopia of reasons, some of which are:

• Romo does not play for the Bears.
• Romo refused to button his Cubs jersey.
• Kyle Orton would have been supremely more bad ass.
• Romo’s super lame “Uh 1, uh 2, uh 3…” to open Take Me Out.
• Everyone is a downgrade after Marissa Miller.
• Romo went to Eastern Illinois, and no self respecting Cubs fan gives a shit about Eastern Illinois.
• 9 out of 10 Cubs fans surveyed own a Carrie Underwood album.

[Source: FanHouse]

Cedric Benson did not have an awesome weekend. Saturday night the Bears running back failed a sobriety test, resisted arrest, and challenged a can of pepper spray to a face off. Oh, and he managed to do all of this while boating.

Seeing that just about everyone can get away with just about anything on a boat, it’s becoming more and more obvious to us that we simply take for granted the things we can do in life that Ced Benson can’t. We’ve compiled the below list of Things Cedric Benson Can’t Do just to remind us how good we have it…

• Get drunk on a boat.
• Pass a sobriety test.
• Go a month without an injury.
• Be civil towards police officers.
• Teach some ugly chick how to drive a boat.
• Dodge pepper spray.
• Not cripple a fantasy football team.
• Be liked by bosses and coworkers.
• Go to a Cubs game without getting cursed at.

The NFL Draft came and went faster than a weekend bender (but that may have had something to do with my weekend bender). I spent this past Sunday watching every single pick of the second day of the NFL draft, all 8 hours of coverage (awesome, I know). I watched two players from I-AA Richmond get their names called and lots of college football household names fall into the late rounds. The latter are destined to never be heard from again.

I’ve spent the last four years with these guys, watching them play, wagering on them, inevitably violently cursing them, so the whole experience was weirdly nostalgic seeing that now they’re irrelevant.

And don’t give me the Tom Brady / Terrell Davis argument. The Tom Brady phenomenon requires a player not to get any playing time in college because they are sitting behind another great college football player. The Terrell Davis phenomenon requires a major injury in college that sidelines the player for most of their collegiate career. In either case, pro scouts know these guys have talent, but they don’t know exactly what they are getting so the players fall in the draft.

The guys I’m talking about have all played A TON of college football; the pro scouts know what they’re getting when drafting these players and they’re looking for them to to fill out the roster, help out during training camp, and eventually quietly disappear without even a mention on ESPN’s Bottomline.

So without further ado, one final look back…

Dennis Dixon, QB - Oregon

5th round pick # 156 (soon to be cut by Pittsburgh Steelers)

Steelers Logic: Maybe we can turn him into Antwaan Randle-El.

Reality: Dixon is coming off a serious knee injury. He’s never experimented at receiver in college like Randle-El did. And generally the QB to WR doesn’t work (see: Matt Jones, Eric Crouch, etc.).

Most Memorable Degenerate Moment: When Oregon putting a 39-7 beatdown on Michigan in Week 2 last season. Oregon ran the statute of liberty followed by a fake statute of liberty in the process. Both were pretty sweet. The Ducks were +8 going into the game and a lot of people enjoyed a nice payday rolling on the moneyline.

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We’d be remiss if we didn’t start today off with one last draft piece. Here’s how both the Optimist Fan and the Team Cynic see their team’s first pick panning out:

1) Jake Long - Dolphins.

Optimist: The one offensive piece we’ve been missing. I’d like to be the first to congratulate John Beck and Ronnie Brown on their first trips to the Pro Bowl.

Cynic: Ladies and gentlemen, meet the new Robert Gallery.

2) Chris Long - Rams.

Optimist: Douchey NFC West quarterbacks, the time to shit your pants is now.

Cynic: His dad didn’t have the knees for turf and neither does he.

3) Matt Ryan - Falcons.

Optimist: The next Tom Brady, minus the dreaminess.

Cynic: The next Tom Brady minus the dreaminess, quarterbacking ability, and offensive line play.

4)  Darren McFadden - Raiders.

Optimist: And people say Al Davis has lost it. Bullshit.

Cynic: Russell v. McFadden, let the Bay Area Paternity Suit Challenge begin.

5) Glenn Dorsey - Chiefs.

Optimist: What. A. Fucking. Steal.

Pessimist: Over/Under on arthroscopic knee surgery = 3 games.

In anticipation of the NFL Draft tomorrow, Team Cool & Tough engaged in our first mock draft this week. Our primary goal was to see if we could possibly pull off something like this on a regular basis without every time turning into a Courtney Love-esqe incoherent mess.

Of course, Booth organized, so we did the whole thing with no draft order and no real guidelines, except that you can’t suck or draft logically. Some failed, some didn’t participate, and some got righteously confused.

Participants included: Maske, Booth, Proto, Big Sexy, Toast, Big Slim, and SMac. The remaining members of Team C&T were far too intimidated by the other participants’ staggering professional football knowledge to partake. It went something like this:

#1: Dolphins - pick by Maske

Since I’m the closest thing to a Dolphins fan on this bitch AND they already signed Jake Long, I’m going to get fucking loco and take Jake Long. Long as in Dong!

Pros:

1. Safer than a treasury bond.
2. Wins the battle of the Longs, beating out that other silver spooned Long.
3. He had zero to do with Special Teams in the App State game.

Cons:

1. This pick is about as sexy as Booth’s mom’s underpants.

Jake Long off the board, bitches!

Pick: Jake Long

#2: Rams - pick by Proto

Ryan Clady. The Rams need a standout OT to keep Bulger from breaking his ribs and to open holes for my boy Steven Jackson in the Lambda fantasy football league. Booyah!

Pick: Ryan Clady

#3: Falcons - pick by Big Sexy

Matt Ryan, Boston College.

Reason: The Falcons need EVERYTHING and this pick makes me laugh the most.

Just the thought of Matt Ryan and Toast trying to co-habitate in the same city makes me giddy. If they ever end up at the same bar, party, little league game, etc. I will personally give $1,000 to whoever starts feeding Toast bourbon.

Also, all Atlanta draft picks should be ranked on the BSMP Scale (Big Slim Mancrush Potential). Ryan ranks the highest (Boston, ambiguous sexuality, athlete, etc.) so that’s who the Falcons should take. Can’t you see Big Slim meeting Ryan out one night and then trying to convince everyone he’s cool? “Dude, he’s a really cool guy and he pulls mad chicks.” This would closely be followed by Toast stabbing Big Slim with a broken Jim Beam bottle. We would have our first Team Cool and Tough murder which would give us WAY more street cred. Thank me later mother fuckers.

Pick: Matt Ryan

#4: Raiders - pick by Toast

I would actually like to see Matty Ice drafted by the Falcons. It would doom his career to mirror Heath Shuler’s. On top of that watching him get crushed by Julius Peppers and Gaines Adams twice a year each would be an added bonus.

At #4 Oakland takes…Chris Long. Reasons: 1) Howie, and 2) I don’t think Al Davis is smart enough to take McFadden.

Pick: Chris Long

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Kobe went for 49 last night, the Celtics remain on course to systematically dismantle the rest of the East, and Chris Paul might as well be delivering babies during timeouts of the Hornets/Mavs series, yet NFL news still dominates headlines and water cooler talk. And that’s before you even start talking draft.

Suck it Stern. Best of seven in the first round? You brought this on yourself.

5) Eli Gets Married. Hey, when the Super Bowl winning boy wonder quarterback gets prematurely hitched to a hot blond POA recently removed from the Ole Miss campus, how the hell are you supposed to concentrate on whether the Pistons can climb back from an 0-1 deficit?

4) Jared Allen to Minnesota. Because isn’t the irony of a team that’s quarterbacked by Tarvaris Jackson guaranteeing a white dude who plays on the D-Line 31 mil just a little more intriguing than Tracy McGrady’s inability to win a playoff game at this point?

3) T.O. Shows Up in a Porno. No matter how played out a pro sports personality is, them showing up in a porno is 100% the most sure fire way to garner some legitimate attention. If the Hawks really wanted some respect they would have made a cameo in the Zombie Strippers trailer.

2) The Chad Johnson Saga. Seriously, the Bengals doing everything within their power to keep the Bungles tradition alive is probably our favorite offseason happening. They’re so akin to that slutty chick from high school who tried to give FCA a whirl but in the end couldn’t help herself it’s startling. Why Iverson had to mellow out with age is beyond us.

1) Rain Clouds Over Dallas. You knew it. You asked for it. More Pac-Man Baby! Blinky, Inky, and Pinky can eat a dong. We’re convinced Jerry Jones made this move just to get the forty person ESPN draft crew to discuss the Cowboys twice as much as they planned to this weekend. Also, it never hurts to divert some attention from your quarterback being a lameass cake sharer.

Stern, we suggest you keep your fingers crossed that Kobe gets a little bored when the Lakers make their trip into Colorado. You know what we’re talking about.

Soon-to-be drafted Tennessee linebacker Jerod Mayo recently revealed to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review that one NFL organization asked him, “When’s the last time you cheated on your girlfriend?” during a pre-draft interview.

As you might imagine some feel this question was over the line, especially Mayo, who swears he’s never cheated on his girlfriend (third base doesn’t count, right?). We were so intrigued by the revelation we decided to get our investigative reporter on and dig a little deeper into even more controversial pre-draft interview questions. Here are some of the examples we found:

“How would you classify your role in a strip club, Lurker or Active Participant?”

Most common answer: What category would ‘likes to get the know the dancers on a personal level’ fall under?

“When was the last time you checked out another dude in the showers?”

Most common answer: Friday…Fuck. Wait, I meant never. Yeah, definitely never. I thought you asked when was the last time I took shower…

“Ass Man or Tit Guy?”

Most common answer: Seeing that I’m about to be in the NFL, I don’t think both is too much to ask for.

“What’s your personal masterbation policy?”

Most common answer: No more than three times a day, and only with two or less people present. Visual aide necessary.

“Pro-life or pro-choice?”

Most common answer: Depends on how annoying the bitch is.

“Does anything about the phrase ‘Sex Boat’ sound desirable to you?”

Most common answer: Are we actually in the water, or just docked? I don’t like the fucking water.

“Tom Brady or Jason Taylor?”

Most common answer: Brady, no question.

“If a female asked you to ‘Osi all over’ her, what would you take that to mean?”

Most common answer: That I better have had enough fiber that day.

“Hillary or Obama?”

Most common answer: You know I ain’t voting for no dike president.

“Brady Quinn, gay or just a dork?”

Most common answer: Is ‘all of the above’ an option?

“How’s your pull-out technique?”

Most common answer: Impeccable.

All it’s taken is a year’s worth of Chad Johnson’s irrational bitching and moaning and whining and martyring, and now demanding a delusional trade for us to turn on him. Pretty much the same formula employed by most the chicks we’ve dated.

It’s tough to put into words how disappointed we are in Chad. We’re more disappointed than the time we rented “Blown Away” and instead of Nicole Eggert shower scenes we got some flick about Irish car bombs that didn’t involve Guiness. Translated: We’re really fucking disappointed.

And what pisses off the most — and the reason we are now irrevocably dunzo with Ocho Cinco — is his inability to recognize what he’s squandering. Sure, it’s nothing new for dipshit athletes to fail to realize that the organization employing them is actually the one providing the opportunity, not vice versa, but the difference with Chad is the level of goodwill he’s flushing down the toilet.

In just about ever similar instance the athlete in question is already genuinely disliked by the public. That’s not the case with Chad. Chad has actually spent years developing his personal brand of lovable showboat (see: opposite of Salisbury’s brand development). What Chad’s currently doing is forever poisoning his own image, and — more importantly to him — his future earning potential. That sort of idiocy is unforgivable.

So to celebrate what a complete debilitating self-indulgent dumbass Chad Johnson has let himself turn into, we’re going to do some deconstruction, taking examples of everything we once thought was cool about him and making them sound as lame as possible. It’s really the only way we’re going to feel any better…

Ocho Cinco. What kind of asshole doesn’t know that Eighty-Five in Spanish is “Ochenta y Cinco”, not “Ocho Cinco”? Sucks history is going to remember this gimmick as one big fucking translation blunder.

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