You’d think the number of times we’ve been bombarded by Love Guru previews we’d be desensitized by now, but no, that’s not the case. Nope, every single GD time we see a preview for that surefire Hindenburg of a movie we feel a pang of disappointment for what Mike Myers has become.

We’re not sure if it’s arrogance or laziness or that he just doesn’t have it anymore, but whatever it is, the precipitous decline is remarkably similar to that of an NFL running back. One in particular…

Name

Mike Myers______Shaun Alexander

Profession

Comedian / Movie Star______Football Player / NFL Network Applicant

Place of Origin

Canada__________A weird part of Kentucky that might as well be Canada

Early Success

Accepted into Second City right out of high school______”Mr. Football” Kentucky

Next Big Step

Saturday Night Live when it was good______SEC Football when Bama was good

Made a Name for Himself

Coining “that’s what she said” on Wayne’s World______Dropping 291 yards on LSU

As a gay German in Sprockets______As the Crimson Tide’s all-time rushing leader

Playing Phillip the Hyper Hypo______Taking part in Bama’s last SEC Championship

All the Success Leads To

Feature films______Being the 17th overall pick

Good but Not Great

Wayne’s World the movie______Rookie season behind Ricky Watters

Dude Might Be Brilliant

Austin Powers makes some pee come out______D-knifes the league for 16 TDs

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Kobe Bryant and Robert Downey Jr. are on top of the world right now, each experiencing incredible career and public perception resurgences after massive falls from grace. Take a minute to think about it and the the parallels are kind of eerie.

Name

Kobe Bryant__________Robert Downey Jr.

Profession

Professional Basketball__________Performing Arts

Hit the Scene

The ‘96 Draft__________“Weird Science”, “The Pick-up Artist”, “Johnny Be Good”

Early Success

Lakers’ three-peat (’00-’02)__________Best Actor Nomination for “Chaplin”

Warning Signs

Went to the prom with Brandy__________Dated Sarah Jessica Parker

Outdated half-fro__________Frequent trips to bathrooms

Married a high school senior__________Would snort your dandruff if you let him

All-Time Low Point

Sexual assault charges in Colorado__________Driving naked with heroin in car

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We’ve mentioned on several occasions that we refuse to write about Barry Bonds. That’s not entirely true. What we refuse to write about is the stuff that the media is already beating you over the head with. What’s the point? We can sum up Bonds in four sentences. Barry Bonds is a horse’s ass. He took steroids. They enhanced his god given ability. He hit a lot of home runs.

That’s it. Case closed.

Today we will discuss Bonds though. But we won’t be regurgitating everything you’re already sick of hearing. We’ll only discuss him in context with one of our favorite theories: The Barry Bonds/Eddie Murphy Parallel.

Have you ever thought about how much these two guys’ careers mirror each others (besides both being black)? Even the dates line up pretty evenly. Take a look:

The Phenom Years (1980’s - 1992)

During this period both Bonds and Murphy turn in their best, most authentic work, displaying talent unlike any others in their respective fields. Both are most highly appreciated by the high IQ spectator/audience because they are fresh and represent endless potential.

Bonds joins the Pirates in ‘86 and immediately displays the ability to do just about anything on the diamond. Hits for average, hits for power, fields, steals bases, you name it. Golden gloves in ‘90, ‘91, and ‘92. NL MVP in ‘90 and ‘91. Pittsburgh never has baseball so good again.

Murphy begins reviving SNL in the early 80’s and by 1985 already has “48 Hrs.”, “Trading Places”, and “Beverly Hills Cop” under his belt. His rise is meteoric. “Delirious” and “Raw” are the best standup since Pryor. Records unappreciated track “Party All the Time” with Rick James. He caps off the period with uber-classic “Coming to America”.

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