One of the few sports stories with any traction this week is Gary Sheffield’s “Real Sports” interview (which airs tonight on HBO) where he accuses Joe Torre of treating white and black players differently. So far this week you can’t turn on ESPN without hearing some blowhard spouting an opinion on it. And that’s fine with us. We get it. It’s summer and sports news is scarce, so no way this doesn’t get discussed ad nauseum. Whatever. Just try to mix in more football.

As always, we’re not going to actually do any real or pretend journalism in this case. We have no interest in providing an opinion on race issues in baseball. That’s not us. The only thing we’ll mention about race is how awesome the line in the interview is where Sheffield says Derek Jeter “ain’t all the way black.” That’s classic. We’re putting it in the vault. Jeter is such a tweener.

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We were batting around things to write about this afternoon and came to the conclusion that it is another slow as shit summer day. Since we can only milk Booth’s misfortune and proclivity for self deprecation so long on this site, we thought we’d get back to basics and pass judgement on something.

You know it’s a brutal Sunday night for entertainment when you find yourself torn between watching the Espys and going to see the new “Harry Potter” flick in the theater. That was our night last night. Of course, we went with option #3, drank like twenty beers, and then ordered “Harry Twotter” on pay-per-view, but you get the idea. People can get desperate for entertainment during the summer and most aren’t as resourceful as we are.

The whole thing got us thinking about when it’s actually OK to physically go to the theater to see a movie. There’s a thin loser line and we don’t want you to cross it. Here’s a nice breakdown of what you can and can’t do this summer:

Movies You Can Go See Solo On A Friday or Saturday Night:

None, you douchebag. Friday and Saturday nights are for trying to get laid and then eating a lot of late night McDonald’s when you don’t succeed.

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When the news first broke a couple of months ago that David Beckham was coming to America to play for some MLS team that nobody–outside of a couple thousand in-denial soccer fans–in this country cares about, we didn’t think twice about it. We don’t care about soccer, we’ve never had any beef with Beckham, and we think Posh peaked in 1997, so we gave their migration to the US about as much thought as we gave our last one night stand (not much).

But now all of a sudden we’re getting bombarded by the two of them. Beckham’s showing up in ads with Reggie Bush. He’s endorsing anything that will plaster his mug on a billboard. Posh is taking up space on our favorite pretty lady websites looking like some uber-creepy fifteen year old boy with scoliosis. They’re doing weird magazine spreads. We turn on Sportscenter to see an LA Galaxy opening game countdown and hear Alexi Lalas claim Beckham will end up being bigger in this country than MJ. (As far as we’re concerned that’s sacrilege and Lalas should be found guilty of treason and exported to Canada like yesterday.)

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Go ahead and take in the above gratuitous Jessica Simpson photo and the ones at the bottom of this post because after today we’re done with her…barring she poses nude, does soft porn, or just gets herself looking really hot again, of course.

Why, you may ask? Because it’s come to our attention that Jessica has hit rock bottom. Below rock bottom actually, underneath rock bottom, somewhere into the earth’s crust where mole men live. Reports are that she’s begging, pleading, and annoying the shit out of–of all people–John Mayer to get him to give her another shot. WTF.

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We’re just going to lay out the facts (as we see them) for you and let you decide:

Contestant #1: Elijah Dukes

We could probably argue that the exploits of Elijah Dukes make him both simultaneously a terrible human being and completely awesome, but most people seem to be leaning towards the terrible human being category, so we won’t push it. In case your unfamiliar, this fairly unspectacular Tampa Bay Devil Ray (if being a Devil Ray doesn’t scream unspectacular, we’re not sure what does) first got his name in the news when several people witnessed him threatening to kill his wife throughout a phone conversation where he continuously screamed, “I’m going to kill you dawg!” It was also later discovered that he mailed his wife a color photo of the gun he owns to threaten her as well. Like we said, couple parts terrible human being, couple parts awesome.

Today, Elijah is back in the news for almost certainly “allegedly” knocking up a 17 year old foster child living with his own step-grandmother. (Yeah, you may need to read that again.) When the girl and the grandmother confronted Elijah about the pregnancy, he reacted poorly, hard to believe, by humming a Gatorade bottle at the girl and storming out of the house.

Sounds like we’re all pretty lucky Elijah decided on tossing sports drinks rather than throwing haymakers to the girl’s uterus. We’re pretty sure he has experience.

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There really is something to be said for ignorance. Whether it’s that one moron you work with having the same thing explained to him thirty times, your brother-in-law being a consistent dipshit, or just your run of the mill professional football player, ignorance is as consistently crippling as multiple sclerosis for those who suffer from it.

Take today’s NFL headlines for example. So far this morning, the latest reports are that: 1) Over the weekend Jets’ cornerback Justin Miller punched some woman at a club and then attempted to flee from the police (didn’t work out), 2) Chris Henry failed a court ordered drug test after he’s already been suspended for half of next season (we’re pretty sure the judge told him when the test was going to take place), and 3) Clinton Portis went on the record saying that people should lay off Mike Vick for the dogfighting scandal because: “It’s his property, it’s his dog.”

All of this brain power just a short time after new commish Roger Goodell has made it crystal clear that he’s a cold hearted son of a bitch and is going to essentially death penalty anyone’s career who does something to the detriment of the league.

Seriously, what the fuck is going on here? We just don’t get it. All of this is too easy. No way so many people in one profession are this consistently retarded. We doubt if this much bad decision making takes place in the porn industry.

And, believe it or not, what Clinton Portis did is by far the most retarded of all. Think about it. At least the other two guys caught a buzz while self destructing their careers. At least they have the “substance abuse” card to play and a portion of our society will buy into it. Not only did CP just go out of his way to voluntarily confirm to those who haven’t been paying close enough attention that he’s an all consuming imbecile, he also advertised to the world what a sadistic son of a bitch he must be for thinking beating animals is pretty much on par with not getting your oil changed often enough.

Man, if this doesn’t lower the street cred of a diploma from “Da U”, we don’t know what will. Portis is a graduate, right?