Congrats, Benji! It’s finally your turn to take one to the overly pierced cranium.

We sucker punched your brother a while back and kind of forgot about you (you know, because you’re backup vocals), but fear not. Better late than ever.

We woke up this morning feeling clever, and you woke up this morning providing us with all the ammo one website would ever need to belittle a quasi-celebrity. From the lame tats, to the douchey hair, to being a vegan, to having a pierced lip, to sharing a name with our favorite K-9 movie star, to swapping L-bombs with Paris Hilton, Benji, you’ve really worked for this moment.

Benji Madden’s PITFF

Famous For: Starting a band with his twin brother and transitioning from Punk Rock to Punk Pop to Plain Pop faster than any other band before them.

Why That Sucks: Because this guy looks like he should be on his fourth fast food job in three years, but instead is technically a rock star (albeit a less than enviable one). And instead of reaping the benefits of his tremendous good fortune and the fact that his band caters to teen girls with low self esteem, Benji is a vegan who bangs wants to make babies with Paris Hilton. Conversely, if we were in the same position, we’d be spending our nights mowing down porterhouses and trolling the freshman girls’ dorms at nearby state colleges.

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This is Scott Storch. It’s not Steve Connelly, Kevin Connelly’s even more ridiculous little brother. We’ve been saving the punching of Scott Storch for a Friday when we’d be traveling and/or really haven’t thought any one person sucked all that much in a particular week. Luckily for us, Storch pretty much embodies an entire week’s worth of world’s suckiness, so the math works.

From the limited research we’ve done we can safely say that Scott Storch was born for the sole purpose of being honored in this segment. Just based on the information you can gather from the picture above, we challenge you to name one person who exemplifies douchiness quite like this dude does.

You’re kidding yourself. It’s impossible.

Scott Storch’s PITFF

Famous For: Being a music producer who’s actually worked with many well known (although collectively shitty) musicians.

What Will Make You Feel Better: Along with being voted the single goofiest looking bastard to walk the planet, Storch’s latest accomplishment has been producing albums for MEGA talents Paris Hilton and Brooke Hogan. Also, he’s not much of a saver, and is now pretty much completely broke. We put a two search limit on how many times we could google “Scott Storch”, but from what we’ve gathered it seems the guy got a little cocky about his talents as a producer and started making a bunch of diva-esque demands to work on albums. Stuff like, “fly my entire entourage to the studio and have an assortment of geishas hand feed us all our meals.” For some reason unknown to us, people decided Storch wasn’t worth that kind of trouble.

And now, just because multimedia is the only way to do this guy justice…

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Seeing that we’ve informally dedicated this week to college basketball, why not award PITFF to the NCAA player we enjoy making fun of over any other: Greg Paulus.

Of course, had Duke lost last night we would lay off Paulus today. But they didn’t. Instead they won a game in typical Duke fashion, on a Gerald Henderson lay-in that probably would have been called a charge if someone, like say Greg Paulus, had been defending him. But hey, it’s Duke. You know you’d be disappointed this morning if you didn’t have further opportunity to root against them in the tournament.

We do need to take a moment to throw Henderson a low five for stepping up and putting his team on his shoulders. They’d be spending tonight scamming on Asian chicks in Durham had he not. Paulus–in typical Paulus fashion–also attempted to step up two possessions prior with a move to the basket straight out of the Mugsy Bogues handbook. He missed badly on a shot that the stat keeper seriously considered logging a turnover. In doing so, he only furthered the Greg Paulus legend.

Greg Paulus’s PITFF

Why Paulus Is the Easiest Target in NCAA Hoops:

• Constantly looks like he’s jonesing to blow a snot rocket.

• Traded playing quarterback at Miami, Notre Dame, or USC to play point guard at Duke.

• Makes Shane Battier look like the anti-flopper in comparison.

• Has a serious affinity for hugging other dudes.

• Has the uncanny knack of getting his head as close to opposing player’s dongs as physically possible.

• Has spent his career getting progressively worse, a phenomenon that can only be attributed to the exponentially increasing amount of time he spends daydreaming that he’s reaping the benefits of being the starting quarterback for Miami and not waking up next to one of the three hottest chicks on Duke’s campus.

• And due to the copious amounts of entertaining Greg Paulus multimedia available on the world wide web, we welcome you to the…

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Before we get started we’d like to say for the record we refuse to get into the name debate with Puff Daddy. We just don’t care enough. As a rule we know people by whatever name they were introduced to us. That’s why Booth can’t shake being called “Hot Carl” by half of Team Cool & Tough.

Same goes for Puff Daddy. Biggie introduced us to Puff in high school when were super cool and our lone asset was a CD case full of hip hop. So his name will always be Puff Daddy. We don’t care if we meet him at a benefit and his name tag says “Denzel Washington”. If we’re pretty sure it’s Puff Daddy, we’re calling him Puff Daddy.

This week we came across the news of Puff’s latest entrepreneurial venture. Brace yourself before we smack you side the head with sheer brilliance. Puff is starting an elite car service for drunk celebrities to combat the DUI epidemic that currently plagues Hollywood.

The entertainment industry needs a cure and the only vaccine runs through Puff Daddy’s veins.

Only an unoriginal asshole that’s as big of an unoriginal asshole as Puff Daddy would bring to fruition an idea that has been hatched in sarcastic, judgmental conversations in bars across the country. Can’t you just picture Puff overhearing some drunk lesbian ranting on about how ironic it is that the people who have every resource available to them are the ones who keep getting DUIs? Puff, stretching over to listen without looking like he’s eavesdropping, taking notes on a cocktail napkin, scratching his chin and thinking to himself: That business venture has Bad Boy written all fucking over it.

The whole thing is eerily similar to the first time he heard The Police, an event that single-handily made his career.

Puff Daddy’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Sampling The Police at an opportune time. Being friends with Notorious B.I.G. Duping us all into thinking Mase was a talented rapper. Taking over-the-top antics to obscenely lame levels, yet only turning half the population against him. Inexplicably building a net worth over three hundred million dollars when all his business ventures seem like they shit the bed.

Why That Sucks: Puff had his five years of deserved success (1993-1998) and should have vanished to obscurity with the new millineum. Instead he’s become this obnoxious parity of himself and forced our hand into making fun of him on a Friday.

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We stumbled upon this Holy Taco post yesterday. It outlines Spencer Pratt’s plans to write an autobiography. You know, because he’s 25 and wildly successful and super relevant, and that’s what people in his position do.

Once we got done admonishing the publishing industry, and imagining what a chapter size pictorial on “Unrelenting Douchebaggery” would look like, and cursing ourselves for knowing way to much about some dude named Spencer, it suddenly dawned on us that we’ve never dedicated a Friday morning to mocking Spencer Pratt–the one ass clown PITFF was seemingly designed for. And that is obviously a big fucking shame.

So, to celebrate the site’s new look, we’d like to hammer home for you what a colossal turd sandwich Spencer Pratt is. Feel free to guiltlessly wish a violent death upon him. It’s not a sin or anything when someone is this terrible. We looked it up.

Spencer Pratt’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Having rich parents. Having rich friends. Accomplishing the staggering feat of making “The Hills” even more unwatchable. Talking Heidi Montag into an awesome set of fakies. Being a comically large douchebag.

Why That Sucks: We all know why that sucks. This guy might be the biggest no talent retard waste of space to ever walk the planet. That’s no exaggeration. And yet, here we are, writing about him because he’s a legitimate D-list celebrity.

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More than likely you’ve seen Jesse Metcalfe on television and either thought or said out loud, “What a tool.” From our research we’ve found that Jesse has elicited this response from more male viewers, ages 18-35, than any other moderately successful, mediocrely talented pretty boy in the entertainment business.

We’ve been of the opinion that Jesse sucks ever since the we first saw him unintentionally saw him on “Desperate Housewives”. The guy cemented and reaffirmed our gut instinct when he checked himself into rehab in 2007 for supposed “alcohol abuse”. What a lameass.

Note to Jesse: Getting drunk enough to let another dude do a shot of tequila off you doesn’t mean you have an addiction.

Needless to say, we feel the time is right to communicate to our audience that they should think he sucks as well.

Jesse Metcalfe’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Being prettier than 99% of chicks we go home with. Playing a Mexican dude on some soap opera. Doing shirtless scenes with Eva Longoria where in proportion to each other they look like average sized human beings. In all actuality, they’re both legal dwarfs.

Why That Sucks: Because we don’t get paid to stand around looking pretty (like we should) and then get to parlay that into banging copious amounts of hot chicks (not sure he does, but pretty sure he’s capable).

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It pains us once again that we must acknowledge the existence of another douchebag parasite. But alas, Adnan Ghalib does exist. And we wouldn’t be doing our jobs if we didn’t tool on him for being a remarkable piece of shit with a better than 50/50 chance of having his body found in a dumpster in the near future.

You may recognize Adnan Ghalib (aka “The Human Landing Strip”) as Britney Spears’s counterpart in her ongoing public meltdown. He’s the guy whispering to her that she’s smart and pretty when she’s oozing out of her tube top and rambling about french fries.

You do have to hand it to the guy for his victory over all the other scumbags in the “Tell Britney You Love Her and She’ll Buy You Stuff” sweepstakes. There was a substantial list of formidable scumbags he beat out for his current position.

So even though we’d rather breakdown last night’s NHL matchups than provide any sort of commentary with regards to the life and times of Britney Spears, we feel this dude is due for his PITFF comeuppance. If just for that fucking thing on his chin alone.

Adnan Ghalib’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Being the first paparazzo to successfully break down the barriers between photographer and celebrity. He’s living the dream: he’s actually inserted himself into the life of a famous person and is now himself quasi-famous. He’s now regularly referred to as the Jackie Robinson of Celebrity Photography in most inner paparazzi circles.

Why That Sucks: This dude has successfully furthered his own agenda by dragging a mentally unstable Britney Spears all around L.A. when what’s best for her would be being chained to a bed somewhere. And the worst part is we have to keep reading about it. Britney headlines have officially surpassed steroid headlines as the most nauseating headlines we read.

Fast Forward to How This Is Going to Play Out: Britney pregnant with triplets. Somewhere in this country there’s a brilliant but sterile cancer researcher yet these two retards can breathe on each other and reproduce.

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A.K.A. Mr. Marissa Miller.

We would kill a relative to bang appreciate Marissa Miller as much as any other site out there (hence her being the thumbnail icon to Hump Day), but with all the SI swimsuit issue coverage she’s getting this week we figured writing about her would be overkill.

But then everything changed.

We knew she was married. We knew that much. We just never thought it was worth our time to research some dude so we could envy the shit out of him. Then this week some of our favorite sites (WWTDD, Tasty Booze, HCWDB) made us aware of the existence of Griffin Guess: the tool pictured to the right that you might have mistaken for Ryan Reynolds’s slow gay cousin.

We thought we had witnessed some crimes against humanity in our day, but Griffin Guess being the guy who gets to regularly bone Marissa Miller is the most egregious. If we find out he ever talked her into a threeway (the cool kind) we’ll probably have to off ourselves right then and there.

And what are we supposed to Guess anyway? Whether his hair is the lamest thing we’ve ever seen or the second lamest thing we’ve ever seen (this still coming in first place)? Whether there is a plausible explanation like this dude is a multi-billionaire? Whether Marissa is actually a robot he built? Whether he’s really into Vans or just thinks the t-shirt is super rad? Whether or not we can ever look at a picture like this the same again? (more…)

We don’t make it a practice of delivering haymakers to females, but on occasion, we make an exception. In this case, the exception is Tyra Banks. This chick is killing us. How Tyra went from SI Swimsuit Edition erection inducer to the uber annoying crusader for fat chicks she is now, we’ll never understand.

We don’t remember her saying a word prior to 2004. Yet nowadays, instead of having big boobs and keeping quiet, the new Tyra is the champion for boring women everywhere, terrorizing our television sets from all angles, burning bras (above) in order to teach a bunch of ugly ladies some sort of life lesson.

Seriously, what the fuck is this about? And why do we have to put up with it? As far as we’re concerned, only chicks with implants should be allowed to walk around braless.

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Yes, it’s come to this. We’ve been as tolerant as we’re capable of (which, admittedly, isn’t very tolerant). The Super Bowl’s here and it’s time for us to deliver a wakeup frying pan to the face of the NFL’s most frustrating player before the season is officially over.

From his disappointing play to the Saints’ disappointing season to his disappointing choice in female companionship, Reggie Bush–to put it lightly–has been a big fucking disappointment. We can’t stress that enough.

And the most discouraging part is that there’s no way it’s getting better. Reggie’s nauseating fascination with celebrity has a death grip on him and isn’t letting go anytime soon. Sure, he’s probably in Phoenix right now, pretending to like football, throwing back a few Subway Clubs with Jared as part of his endorsement contract, when really he’s just super stoked to have the media swarm him as he’s carting around his famous monster titted girlfriend.

It’s a shame, really. We were once enamored with Reggie. But it’s like the dude has been walking around with a checklist of things to accomplish to cement his path to bustdome and earn himself a premature punch in the face. The checklist probably looks something like this:

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