David Blaine held his breath for seventeen minutes and four seconds on Wednesday, securing the Guinness World Record for Least Significant Accomplishment to Ever Be Aired on Oprah. Congrats, David. Truly impressive. Especially when you consider the number of times John Travolta has made appearances on that show.

So let’s get this straight, David Blaine can hold his breath for a while, and that’s it, right? Nothing else. Just lung capacity. He didn’t spear a shark or masturbate to 80’s porn while in the tank or anything, right? Not breathing is the whole trick.

Why is this a big deal? Did we get into that phone booth with Keanu Reeves or is it still 2008? Weren’t oxygen tanks and seafood conglomerates invented years ago? Maybe if this were 2,000 B.C. David Blaine would be an alpha male with six slutty cavegirl wives as a result of his fish-spearing ability, but as far as we’re concerned he’s just some creepy looking dude who calls himself a magician and enjoys long baths.

Speaking of magic, when did cooling off in the tub for twenty minutes start passing for the dark art? Where are the helpless rabbits and disappearing necklaces and pretty lady assistants? The only assistants we saw on the Oprah’s set were two dudes in scuba gear. This hold your breath shit would never have flown at our childhood birthday parties.

David Blaine, your job is to be a clown. Nothing more significant. You do tricks when people want to see tricks and you  go away when people aren’t in the mood. Know your GD role. And welcome to Punch in the Face Friday.

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All it’s taken is a year’s worth of Chad Johnson’s irrational bitching and moaning and whining and martyring, and now demanding a delusional trade for us to turn on him. Pretty much the same formula employed by most the chicks we’ve dated.

It’s tough to put into words how disappointed we are in Chad. We’re more disappointed than the time we rented “Blown Away” and instead of Nicole Eggert shower scenes we got some flick about Irish car bombs that didn’t involve Guiness. Translated: We’re really fucking disappointed.

And what pisses off the most — and the reason we are now irrevocably dunzo with Ocho Cinco — is his inability to recognize what he’s squandering. Sure, it’s nothing new for dipshit athletes to fail to realize that the organization employing them is actually the one providing the opportunity, not vice versa, but the difference with Chad is the level of goodwill he’s flushing down the toilet.

In just about ever similar instance the athlete in question is already genuinely disliked by the public. That’s not the case with Chad. Chad has actually spent years developing his personal brand of lovable showboat (see: opposite of Salisbury’s brand development). What Chad’s currently doing is forever poisoning his own image, and — more importantly to him — his future earning potential. That sort of idiocy is unforgivable.

So to celebrate what a complete debilitating self-indulgent dumbass Chad Johnson has let himself turn into, we’re going to do some deconstruction, taking examples of everything we once thought was cool about him and making them sound as lame as possible. It’s really the only way we’re going to feel any better…

Ocho Cinco. What kind of asshole doesn’t know that Eighty-Five in Spanish is “Ochenta y Cinco”, not “Ocho Cinco”? Sucks history is going to remember this gimmick as one big fucking translation blunder.

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Congrats, Benji! It’s finally your turn to take one to the overly pierced cranium.

We sucker punched your brother a while back and kind of forgot about you (you know, because you’re backup vocals), but fear not. Better late than ever.

We woke up this morning feeling clever, and you woke up this morning providing us with all the ammo one website would ever need to belittle a quasi-celebrity. From the lame tats, to the douchey hair, to being a vegan, to having a pierced lip, to sharing a name with our favorite K-9 movie star, to swapping L-bombs with Paris Hilton, Benji, you’ve really worked for this moment.

Benji Madden’s PITFF

Famous For: Starting a band with his twin brother and transitioning from Punk Rock to Punk Pop to Plain Pop faster than any other band before them.

Why That Sucks: Because this guy looks like he should be on his fourth fast food job in three years, but instead is technically a rock star (albeit a less than enviable one). And instead of reaping the benefits of his tremendous good fortune and the fact that his band caters to teen girls with low self esteem, Benji is a vegan who bangs wants to make babies with Paris Hilton. Conversely, if we were in the same position, we’d be spending our nights mowing down porterhouses and trolling the freshman girls’ dorms at nearby state colleges.

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This is Scott Storch. It’s not Steve Connelly, Kevin Connelly’s even more ridiculous little brother. We’ve been saving the punching of Scott Storch for a Friday when we’d be traveling and/or really haven’t thought any one person sucked all that much in a particular week. Luckily for us, Storch pretty much embodies an entire week’s worth of world’s suckiness, so the math works.

From the limited research we’ve done we can safely say that Scott Storch was born for the sole purpose of being honored in this segment. Just based on the information you can gather from the picture above, we challenge you to name one person who exemplifies douchiness quite like this dude does.

You’re kidding yourself. It’s impossible.

Scott Storch’s PITFF

Famous For: Being a music producer who’s actually worked with many well known (although collectively shitty) musicians.

What Will Make You Feel Better: Along with being voted the single goofiest looking bastard to walk the planet, Storch’s latest accomplishment has been producing albums for MEGA talents Paris Hilton and Brooke Hogan. Also, he’s not much of a saver, and is now pretty much completely broke. We put a two search limit on how many times we could google “Scott Storch”, but from what we’ve gathered it seems the guy got a little cocky about his talents as a producer and started making a bunch of diva-esque demands to work on albums. Stuff like, “fly my entire entourage to the studio and have an assortment of geishas hand feed us all our meals.” For some reason unknown to us, people decided Storch wasn’t worth that kind of trouble.

And now, just because multimedia is the only way to do this guy justice…

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Seeing that we’ve informally dedicated this week to college basketball, why not award PITFF to the NCAA player we enjoy making fun of over any other: Greg Paulus.

Of course, had Duke lost last night we would lay off Paulus today. But they didn’t. Instead they won a game in typical Duke fashion, on a Gerald Henderson lay-in that probably would have been called a charge if someone, like say Greg Paulus, had been defending him. But hey, it’s Duke. You know you’d be disappointed this morning if you didn’t have further opportunity to root against them in the tournament.

We do need to take a moment to throw Henderson a low five for stepping up and putting his team on his shoulders. They’d be spending tonight scamming on Asian chicks in Durham had he not. Paulus–in typical Paulus fashion–also attempted to step up two possessions prior with a move to the basket straight out of the Mugsy Bogues handbook. He missed badly on a shot that the stat keeper seriously considered logging a turnover. In doing so, he only furthered the Greg Paulus legend.

Greg Paulus’s PITFF

Why Paulus Is the Easiest Target in NCAA Hoops:

• Constantly looks like he’s jonesing to blow a snot rocket.

• Traded playing quarterback at Miami, Notre Dame, or USC to play point guard at Duke.

• Makes Shane Battier look like the anti-flopper in comparison.

• Has a serious affinity for hugging other dudes.

• Has the uncanny knack of getting his head as close to opposing player’s dongs as physically possible.

• Has spent his career getting progressively worse, a phenomenon that can only be attributed to the exponentially increasing amount of time he spends daydreaming that he’s reaping the benefits of being the starting quarterback for Miami and not waking up next to one of the three hottest chicks on Duke’s campus.

• And due to the copious amounts of entertaining Greg Paulus multimedia available on the world wide web, we welcome you to the…

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Before we get started we’d like to say for the record we refuse to get into the name debate with Puff Daddy. We just don’t care enough. As a rule we know people by whatever name they were introduced to us. That’s why Booth can’t shake being called “Hot Carl” by half of Team Cool & Tough.

Same goes for Puff Daddy. Biggie introduced us to Puff in high school when were super cool and our lone asset was a CD case full of hip hop. So his name will always be Puff Daddy. We don’t care if we meet him at a benefit and his name tag says “Denzel Washington”. If we’re pretty sure it’s Puff Daddy, we’re calling him Puff Daddy.

This week we came across the news of Puff’s latest entrepreneurial venture. Brace yourself before we smack you side the head with sheer brilliance. Puff is starting an elite car service for drunk celebrities to combat the DUI epidemic that currently plagues Hollywood.

The entertainment industry needs a cure and the only vaccine runs through Puff Daddy’s veins.

Only an unoriginal asshole that’s as big of an unoriginal asshole as Puff Daddy would bring to fruition an idea that has been hatched in sarcastic, judgmental conversations in bars across the country. Can’t you just picture Puff overhearing some drunk lesbian ranting on about how ironic it is that the people who have every resource available to them are the ones who keep getting DUIs? Puff, stretching over to listen without looking like he’s eavesdropping, taking notes on a cocktail napkin, scratching his chin and thinking to himself: That business venture has Bad Boy written all fucking over it.

The whole thing is eerily similar to the first time he heard The Police, an event that single-handily made his career.

Puff Daddy’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Sampling The Police at an opportune time. Being friends with Notorious B.I.G. Duping us all into thinking Mase was a talented rapper. Taking over-the-top antics to obscenely lame levels, yet only turning half the population against him. Inexplicably building a net worth over three hundred million dollars when all his business ventures seem like they shit the bed.

Why That Sucks: Puff had his five years of deserved success (1993-1998) and should have vanished to obscurity with the new millineum. Instead he’s become this obnoxious parity of himself and forced our hand into making fun of him on a Friday.

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We stumbled upon this Holy Taco post yesterday. It outlines Spencer Pratt’s plans to write an autobiography. You know, because he’s 25 and wildly successful and super relevant, and that’s what people in his position do.

Once we got done admonishing the publishing industry, and imagining what a chapter size pictorial on “Unrelenting Douchebaggery” would look like, and cursing ourselves for knowing way to much about some dude named Spencer, it suddenly dawned on us that we’ve never dedicated a Friday morning to mocking Spencer Pratt–the one ass clown PITFF was seemingly designed for. And that is obviously a big fucking shame.

So, to celebrate the site’s new look, we’d like to hammer home for you what a colossal turd sandwich Spencer Pratt is. Feel free to guiltlessly wish a violent death upon him. It’s not a sin or anything when someone is this terrible. We looked it up.

Spencer Pratt’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Having rich parents. Having rich friends. Accomplishing the staggering feat of making “The Hills” even more unwatchable. Talking Heidi Montag into an awesome set of fakies. Being a comically large douchebag.

Why That Sucks: We all know why that sucks. This guy might be the biggest no talent retard waste of space to ever walk the planet. That’s no exaggeration. And yet, here we are, writing about him because he’s a legitimate D-list celebrity.

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More than likely you’ve seen Jesse Metcalfe on television and either thought or said out loud, “What a tool.” From our research we’ve found that Jesse has elicited this response from more male viewers, ages 18-35, than any other moderately successful, mediocrely talented pretty boy in the entertainment business.

We’ve been of the opinion that Jesse sucks ever since the we first saw him unintentionally saw him on “Desperate Housewives”. The guy cemented and reaffirmed our gut instinct when he checked himself into rehab in 2007 for supposed “alcohol abuse”. What a lameass.

Note to Jesse: Getting drunk enough to let another dude do a shot of tequila off you doesn’t mean you have an addiction.

Needless to say, we feel the time is right to communicate to our audience that they should think he sucks as well.

Jesse Metcalfe’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Being prettier than 99% of chicks we go home with. Playing a Mexican dude on some soap opera. Doing shirtless scenes with Eva Longoria where in proportion to each other they look like average sized human beings. In all actuality, they’re both legal dwarfs.

Why That Sucks: Because we don’t get paid to stand around looking pretty (like we should) and then get to parlay that into banging copious amounts of hot chicks (not sure he does, but pretty sure he’s capable).

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It pains us once again that we must acknowledge the existence of another douchebag parasite. But alas, Adnan Ghalib does exist. And we wouldn’t be doing our jobs if we didn’t tool on him for being a remarkable piece of shit with a better than 50/50 chance of having his body found in a dumpster in the near future.

You may recognize Adnan Ghalib (aka “The Human Landing Strip”) as Britney Spears’s counterpart in her ongoing public meltdown. He’s the guy whispering to her that she’s smart and pretty when she’s oozing out of her tube top and rambling about french fries.

You do have to hand it to the guy for his victory over all the other scumbags in the “Tell Britney You Love Her and She’ll Buy You Stuff” sweepstakes. There was a substantial list of formidable scumbags he beat out for his current position.

So even though we’d rather breakdown last night’s NHL matchups than provide any sort of commentary with regards to the life and times of Britney Spears, we feel this dude is due for his PITFF comeuppance. If just for that fucking thing on his chin alone.

Adnan Ghalib’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Being the first paparazzo to successfully break down the barriers between photographer and celebrity. He’s living the dream: he’s actually inserted himself into the life of a famous person and is now himself quasi-famous. He’s now regularly referred to as the Jackie Robinson of Celebrity Photography in most inner paparazzi circles.

Why That Sucks: This dude has successfully furthered his own agenda by dragging a mentally unstable Britney Spears all around L.A. when what’s best for her would be being chained to a bed somewhere. And the worst part is we have to keep reading about it. Britney headlines have officially surpassed steroid headlines as the most nauseating headlines we read.

Fast Forward to How This Is Going to Play Out: Britney pregnant with triplets. Somewhere in this country there’s a brilliant but sterile cancer researcher yet these two retards can breathe on each other and reproduce.

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A.K.A. Mr. Marissa Miller.

We would kill a relative to bang appreciate Marissa Miller as much as any other site out there (hence her being the thumbnail icon to Hump Day), but with all the SI swimsuit issue coverage she’s getting this week we figured writing about her would be overkill.

But then everything changed.

We knew she was married. We knew that much. We just never thought it was worth our time to research some dude so we could envy the shit out of him. Then this week some of our favorite sites (WWTDD, Tasty Booze, HCWDB) made us aware of the existence of Griffin Guess: the tool pictured to the right that you might have mistaken for Ryan Reynolds’s slow gay cousin.

We thought we had witnessed some crimes against humanity in our day, but Griffin Guess being the guy who gets to regularly bone Marissa Miller is the most egregious. If we find out he ever talked her into a threeway (the cool kind) we’ll probably have to off ourselves right then and there.

And what are we supposed to Guess anyway? Whether his hair is the lamest thing we’ve ever seen or the second lamest thing we’ve ever seen (this still coming in first place)? Whether there is a plausible explanation like this dude is a multi-billionaire? Whether Marissa is actually a robot he built? Whether he’s really into Vans or just thinks the t-shirt is super rad? Whether or not we can ever look at a picture like this the same again? (more…)