With yesterday’s news of a “MacGyver” movie being in the works, we decided to put together a wish list for studio execs of other awesome 80’s shows that deserve their own big screen appearance.

It’s particularly easy to imagine any of these flicks getting made if you picture some sort of Ashton Kutcher involvement.

5) “Perfect Strangers”. Seriously, name a comedy premise more rock solid than a funny sounding foreign dude moving in with his curly-haired virgin cousin named Larry. We don’t care if it’s 2008 or 1984, made up accents kill (ask Mike Myers). And if the casting budget runs a little thin, we’re pretty sure Bronson Pinchot is willing to work for booze.

4) “Simon & Simon”. Two brothers. Different lifestyles. One thinks he’s a cowboy. A detective agency. It would be like our generation’s “Lethal Weapon”, except starring the Wilson brothers, and minus the suicidal undertones. The good times write themselves.

3) “Charles in Charge”. What’s unrealistic about a family hiring a college dude to be the full-time babysitter for their high school daughters and one impressionable son? Ashton’s agent just started putting calls into the studios.

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Cinco de Mayo falling on a Monday is brutal. Here are the Top 5 Groups of People Most Seriously Affected:

5) Mariachi Bands. Tips for playing La Bamba don’t make themselves. You need muy patrons and muy margarita pitchers to make some real coin.

4) Single Guys. The number of chicks willing to make bad decisions after a lot tequila dwindles when Cinco de Mayo falls on a Monday.

3) Irish Pubs. May 5th means tons of spillover revenue for pubs when the Mexican joints get packed and/or run out of tortilla chips. This year, just the usual Monday night drunks.

2) Fat Chicks. The number of dudes willing to make bad decisions after a lot tequila dwindles when Cinco de Mayo falls on a Monday.

1) Mexican Restaurant Owners. This group is hit hardest. If you can’t serve a packed house of privileged white kids on the day that celebrates your heritage, how are you ever going to turn a profit?

Kobe went for 49 last night, the Celtics remain on course to systematically dismantle the rest of the East, and Chris Paul might as well be delivering babies during timeouts of the Hornets/Mavs series, yet NFL news still dominates headlines and water cooler talk. And that’s before you even start talking draft.

Suck it Stern. Best of seven in the first round? You brought this on yourself.

5) Eli Gets Married. Hey, when the Super Bowl winning boy wonder quarterback gets prematurely hitched to a hot blond POA recently removed from the Ole Miss campus, how the hell are you supposed to concentrate on whether the Pistons can climb back from an 0-1 deficit?

4) Jared Allen to Minnesota. Because isn’t the irony of a team that’s quarterbacked by Tarvaris Jackson guaranteeing a white dude who plays on the D-Line 31 mil just a little more intriguing than Tracy McGrady’s inability to win a playoff game at this point?

3) T.O. Shows Up in a Porno. No matter how played out a pro sports personality is, them showing up in a porno is 100% the most sure fire way to garner some legitimate attention. If the Hawks really wanted some respect they would have made a cameo in the Zombie Strippers trailer.

2) The Chad Johnson Saga. Seriously, the Bengals doing everything within their power to keep the Bungles tradition alive is probably our favorite offseason happening. They’re so akin to that slutty chick from high school who tried to give FCA a whirl but in the end couldn’t help herself it’s startling. Why Iverson had to mellow out with age is beyond us.

1) Rain Clouds Over Dallas. You knew it. You asked for it. More Pac-Man Baby! Blinky, Inky, and Pinky can eat a dong. We’re convinced Jerry Jones made this move just to get the forty person ESPN draft crew to discuss the Cowboys twice as much as they planned to this weekend. Also, it never hurts to divert some attention from your quarterback being a lameass cake sharer.

Stern, we suggest you keep your fingers crossed that Kobe gets a little bored when the Lakers make their trip into Colorado. You know what we’re talking about.

Much to the surprise of no one, Brandon Marshall has admitted that it was not a McDonald’s bag that tripped him and caused him to fall into his television, resulting in some pretty extensive nerve damage in his arm. He has now confessed that it was actually wrestling with family members that led to the injury (see: Festivus, Feats of Strength).

What we find impressive is the collective inability of professional athletes to admit how they get injured off the field (see: Jeff Kent and Brian Griese). Scratch that. What we actually find impressive are the fabricated stories that they somehow convince themselves are less ludicrous than the actual ones (i.e. falling over Big Macs, slipping on suds when washing trucks, and tripping over terriers down the stairs). It’s like they hire a room of monkeys to work endlessly on plausible excuses.

For your reading pleasure, we’ve managed to locate the other excuses Brandon Marshall considered before deciding that tripping over a bag of McDonald’s was the most believable:

Tripped over Captain D’s bag. This idea morphed into “Tripped over McDonald’s bag” after Marshall’s PR team came to the conclusion that no one in their right fucking mind eats Captain D’s.

Watching a virtual sex DVD. Got lost in the moment and didn’t come to until his arm was through the glass.

Learned the hard way his living room is not big enough for a Nintendo Wii.

Bought the wrong “Gladiator” on Blu-Ray. When he realized it was the Cuba Gooding Jr. underground boxing movie he had no choice but to destroy the television.

Joey Porter is stilled pissed they shot him in Denver. Took his anger out on Marshall.

Fell asleep while watching “The Ring” on HBO. Awoke convinced the creepy girl from the well was after him. Physically demolishing his flat screen was the clear choice between life or death by mutilation.

Billy Blanks provided no disclaimer about distance needed from one’s television.

[Source: FanHouse]

The conference tournaments (that matter) start this week and from there it’s bracket time. All of a sudden you think you might be feeling the madness. Here are the top five ways to know:

5) You Were Rooting for Both Teams to Lose on Saturday Night

You watched the Duke/North Carolina game. You saw the loser in the speedo. You listened to Vitale and could have sworn he was being orally serviced “Swordfish”-style. And while you aren’t soulless and you didn’t pray for a carpet bomb to go off, you rooted for the game to end in a tie and for both starting lineups to be outed via jumbotron at halftime.

4) Taking 500 Bucks Off the Humps in Your Office Is Starting to Sound Pretty Good

Half the dudes in your office are annoying in general and flat out insufferable when it comes to sports. The other half are just really fucking boring. You came in second in the office pool to an Ohio State fan last year and now it’s time for you to have your vengeance.

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In all seriousness, the Patrick Swayze having cancer news sucks ass. We hate it for the guy. And we’re pulling for him.

Seeing that Swayze’s movies and characters had a lot of say in our formidable years, we’re going to commemorate the guy the best way we know how: by using an arbitrary list to mock him just a little bit.

5) Truman Gates…“Next of Kin”. “Next of Kin” would have probably been just as good under it’s original working title, “Road House 2: The Sequel”. Truman Gates isn’t quite the loner James Dalton is, but revenge is in order, and you know Swayze is the man to deliver.

Like many Swayze’s roles, this one is also important because Swayze used his own personal awesomeness to pretty much launch the careers of co-stars Liam Neeson, Helen Hunt, Bill Paxon, and Ben Stiller. (more…)

Click here to view the HD trailer on Yahoo!.

Unrelenting “Call Your Physician Because It’s Been Over Four Hours” Erection. You own a hat and a whip and regularly check archeology blogs. You’ve been waiting 19 years. A hummer from a porn star couldn’t keep you from the first midnight showing.]

Reserving Excitement. After the “Star Wars” prequels debacle you’re determined to not let George Lucas fuck you again.

I Could Kick Harrison Ford’s Ass. You’re a big fan of the trilogy and definitely plan on seeing this installment in the theater, but you can’t quite shake how fucking old Harrison Ford is.

I Could Kick Shia LaBeouf’s Ass. You’re a big fan of the trilogy and definitely plan on seeing this installment in the theater, but you can’t quite shake what a little bitch Shia LaBeouf is.

Movies Are for Virgins. You couldn’t care less. Dudes that are into movies are also into other dudes’ penises.

You’ve probably gotten a whiff of the story about the Nevada high school kid who committed to play football at Cal even though the school had never heard of him. When the story broke Kevin Hart claimed he was duped by a con artist and garnered a lot of media attention.

But last night–in a crazy turn of events–Hart confessed too engineering the whole sham himself. Why? We’re not sure. Must be that guilty conscience thing that chicks we cheat on keep telling us about.

So in honor of the Kevin Hart Conspiracy, here are the Top 5 Reasons the Kid from Nevada Faked It All:

5) Always Wanted to Hold a Press Conference

Kevin Hart thinks press conferences are totally boss. So much power, glory, and prestige at your fingertips. Kevin’s been simulating his own press conference in his garage every weekend for the past four years. You can imagine how devastated he was to find out he’s not physically talented enough to warrant one.

So he faked it. AND THEN ALL HAD TO LISTEN TO EVERY GD WORD KEVIN HART HAD TO SAY!

4) Hoping to Slip Through the Cracks

Hart hoped to follow in the footsteps of that dude in your fraternity who wore jean shorts. He figured if he enrolled to Cal and just kept showing up at practice it would all shake out. Sure, people might wonder how or why he was there, but they would just assume someone fucked up and invited him.

Of course, Kevin didn’t realize that–whether it’s Cal being alerted by the media or the dude in jean shorts touching girls with his penis at a party–the truth always surfaces.

3) To Drum Up Some Kevin Hart Buzz

Any press is good press, right? All these media outlets spelled Kevin Hart with one “t”, right? Some school has to start wondering if there isn’t something to the Kevin Hart Phenomenon, right?

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Whether you’re married, engaged, or have been regularly cheating on the same chick since college, buying her a Christmas present is always an excruciating task that never gets easier. Here’s a list of the top 5 things to get that special lady in your life when you are both cool and tough:

5. A Game Console

A Playstation 3 or X-Box 360 is the ultimate self-gift disguised as you forking out some cash for the little lady. Ideal for when you stay over at her place a lot and get tired of talking to her. Buy her the identical console you have and just bring your games over.

What you say after she’s opened it: “You’re always saying we should try to have more things in common…And it’s a DVD player!”

4. Tickets to a Sporting Event

Whether it be a bowl game, an NFL game, or even a hockey game, a gift that is also a night out in the future is the gift that keeps on giving. Tickets come with the added bonus of you getting to enjoy the game as well.

What you say after she’s opened it: “Don’t think it ends with just the tickets. Those bad boys also include up to $20 worth of concessions and a night out with yours truly…”

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With Kansas boasting an unprecedented undefeated season and a #4 ranking in the polls, we decided it’s high time we pay tribute to the most (physically) entertaining coach in college football. It was difficult to trim this list down to five, but we made it happen.

For your enjoyment, the Top 5 Things Mark Mangino Looks Awesome Doing:

5) Arguing With Referees. Dude just refuses to take shit from the zebras.

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