The World Series starts Wednesday night and much is being made of Phillies-Rays not being the most attractive matchup from a ratings standpoint. But since FOX is doing the broadcasting (and they aired Temptation Island) we assume they plan to pull out all the stops in an effort to maximize viewership, so we’ve come up with several outside the box suggestions to increase ratings:

NFL Cheerleaders

Probably the best thing both Tampa and Philadelphia have going for them is each city’s remarkable NFL cheerleader talent. We doubt these pretty ladies’ schedules are so hectic that they can’t take some time out of their week to line the baselines dressed in skimpier versions of those League of Their Own outfits. Bonus entertainment when a foul ball is hit their direction.

Exhibition Wrestling

Why not spice things up with a little pregame wrestling? Kicking things off with an exhibition match pitting Rays fan Brian “Nasty Boy” Hobbs vs. Stallone as Philly’s own Rocky Balboa (a la Rocky III) is a guaranteed crowd pleaser. Maybe work in some celebrity boxing from there.

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The more we think about Alex Rodriguez’s questionable taste in older women, the more we find ourselves trying to rationalize the situation. Sure, he’s a perennial all-star who makes over twenty million a year. Sure, we wouldn’t necessarily make the same, um, relationship choices if we were in his shoes and the world was our poon oyster. But hey, maybe the guy just really has a thing for celebrity cougars. If so, we can at least respect one man’s dedication to the art of cougar hunting.

That is, until you start considering the talent pool of celebrities at least ten years older than A-Rod that he’s not making a run at. Cougars like…

Nicollette Sheridan. How much competition could that no talent ass clown Michael Bolton seriously be?

Christie Brinkley. Her last husband spent his free time banging teenage girls, so she is probably willing to to turn a blind eye to the occasional rendezvous with a transvestite stripper.

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Now that the Tampa Bay Rays are officially heading to the ALCS we’ve decided to not only recognize the name “Rays” going forward, but also to firmly plant ourselves in a captain’s chair on the team’s bandwagon. Here are 14 of the reasons why. Feel free to join us. It’s quite comfy.

• Rooting Against the Red Sox. Rooting for the Red Sox was so 2004. 2008 is all about banning together against Massholes.

• Jenn Sterger. She’s also a fan. And now that she smells free pub like blood in the water she’s sure to be making an appearance as the Ray’s chestiest supporter.

• Being a Rays Expert. Since no one knows anything about the Rays you can make up obscure facts and people will believe you. It’s quite empowering.

• The Gulf of Mexico. As far as bodies of water go, the Gulf is totally underrated.

• Bucs Cheerleaders. There’s a chance they’re also Rays fans. Which means we should link to this picture. And this one.

• Evan Longoria / Eva Longoria Jokes. Some people still haven’t heard them. Pretend you just made one up and those people will think you’re clever.

• The Nasty Boys. They don’t make appearances at Fenway. They’re Rays fans.

• Baseball in a Dome. It’s just weird enough to sound cool. 

• Busch Gardens. We’re to understand it’s a beer theme park, just like Duff Gardens. Sign us up.

• The Happy Heckler. That guy is kind of awesome. And his dedication to his craft is finally paying off with an ALCS appearance.

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The Cubs may genuinely be cursed, but if so we doubt it has anything to do with a smelly goat. Many speculate that the Cubs have accumulated other curses over the years. Here are a few of the most popular theories…

The Curse of The Dark Knight: Since the majority of The Dark Knight was filmed in Chicago, the Cubs have fallen victim to the same curse afflicting the actors from the movie (i.e. Heath Ledger’s death, Morgan Freeman’s car accident, Christian Bale’s alleged assault on his family, and No Reservations playing on HBO).

The Curse of Back to the Future Part II: The Cubs will be unable to win the World Series until the year 2015, just like Marty McFly learned in the future.

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In case you’re unaware the MLB playoffs started yesterday. Yeah, it caught us by surprise too. To recap: the Phillies haven’t been booed in a while, Cubs fans are already suicidal, and the Red Sox are still pretty decent in the post season.

It’s that time of year again. It’s October and — after months of pretending the MLB is the WNBA — it’s time to start paying attention to baseball again. We find it fairly amazing how baseball can go from mind-numbingly boring to pretty GD interesting with just a flip of the calendar. The phenomenon is a lot like getting four vodka tonics in that prude from your office and finding out how much she hates to wear underpants. Everything suddenly changes:

• Games matter.
• Teams get sent home.
• Actively rooting against Massholes is fun again.
• The more the Cubs lose, the funnier Bartman jokes get.
• And day games provide a tremendous reason to blow off work and drink beers in the afternoon.

What’s not to like? So for all the apathy we show towards the pastime eleven months out of the year, consider that changed for the remainder of October. Unless, of course, it ends up being a Devil Rays-Brewers World Series or we finally figure out how to hack into the Spice Network. Then we won’t give a shit again.

We kind of wish George Brett was our dad. He’s so awesome. (NSFW Audio)

“I’m good twice a year for that.”

Come to think of it, George Brett may actually be SMac’s dad. Because SMac is known for crapping his pants, not because his mom used to bang MLB players.

[H/T: Deadspin]

We wouldn’t recommend sacrificing your beer for anything, especially something as lame as a souvenir baseball, but this man — like all transcendent figures in history — defied modern logic. And, in doing so, he became legend…

We’d be lying if we said we weren’t wondering if someone rubbed their nuts all over that baseball earlier in the day just in case later that evening some magnificent bastard caught the ball in his beer and then drank the beer. We’ll probably never know the answer to that one though.

[H/T: FanHouse]

Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton added to his feel good / Roy Hobbs-esque legend last night by ripping a ridiculous 28 dingers in the first round of the Home Run Derby. He didn’t technically “win” the whole thing, but as far as just about anyone who witnessed the performance of the former heroine addict is concerned, he is the unanimous winner. And with Hamilton stepping into MLB super stardom last night, who needs A-Rod’s participation in the derby? Definitely not Yankees fans. They were busy drinking the Hamilton Kool-aid.

Here are ten reasons Yankees fans already like Josh Hamilton more than A-Rod:

1) Hamilton also came from Texas and it only took him one night to get into a championship round.

2) The only thing A-Rod has ever been addicted to is women who power clean.

3) Hamilton is religious in the conventional sense, not the Kabbalah sense.

4) A-Rod’s only tattoo is a butterfly tramp stamp.

5) Hamilton’s non-alcoholic beer is still way butcher than a sex on the beach.

6) The only reason Hamilton stopped at 28 homers was he couldn’t take the audience having to endure another of Chris Berman’s “Back, back, back, back, backs.”

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• “Look how slow they’re throwing the ball! This is SOOOOOO easy. You’d have to suck not to hit a home run every time.”

• “That Berkman guy will definitely win, right? Don’t fat guys always win?”

• “Were you joking when you said A-Rod isn’t participating because he’s spotting Madonna at the gym?”

• “Why don’t they use the net in front of the pitcher in real games? Wouldn’t that be a lot safer?”

• “Omigod. Look at all those guidos in the stands. As much as I love shopping in New York I am SOOO glad we don’t live there.”

• “You haven’t switched over to E! once like you said you would.”

• “Why don’t players just hit home runs every time? Wouldn’t that be a lot easier?”

• “His last name isn’t really Uggla is it? I wouldn’t take your last name if it was Uggla.”

• “So you’re really telling me you couldn’t do this? I thought you said you were good at sports.”

• “Were you saying Hamilton ‘loves the coke’ or ‘loved the coke’?”

• “Where’s Jeter? I thought you said he’d be there.”

• “There’s another round?! Why? Enough people aren’t asleep?!”

Here’s a shocker: ESPN the Magazine isn’t completely worthless. In the latest Outtakes portion with Kenny Mayne, Chipper Jones tells the following story of running into Kelly Clarkson after she sang at the Daytona 500:

“She walked my way, looking at me like she knew who I was, so I started to put out my hand. Then she pulls out a camera and asks me to take a photo of her and her friends. My buddy lost it. I’m from Daytona, so everybody knows me there. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to go get a beer.”

Being in Atlanta we like Chipper Jones not only because he’s awesome but also because he doesn’t take himself too seriously. When we pretended to ask him for additional comment to this story he told us: “I bang chicks hotter than Clarkson on the way to meet my girl on the side.”

He also mentioned something about Ted Williams not being able to bat .200 against today’s pitching talent but we were busy determining where Clarkson ranks on the 1-10 DC scale. Somewhere around a 7.

• Chipper Jones Snubbed by Kelly Clarkson [Larry Brown Sports]
• Chipper Jones Apparently Not American Idol’s Idol [Sports by Brooks]