How do you cure the devastation of being traded from the greater New York area to the home of arctic winters and Laverne & Shirley? You guessed it: be awesome in Vegas with a bunch of mediocre-looking chicks that treat you like a god.

TheDirty.com uncovered some terrific shots of Richard Jefferson, Jordan Farmar, and the incomparable Luke Walton partying it up this past weekend in Vegas. This one accidental shot of Luke being Luke after the jump made our morning…

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If we had to name one reason we watch the NBA Draft — outside of pinpointing exactly why certain picks suck — we’d have to say we do it for the awkward David Stern handshakes. Here are our all-time favorites:

The one from this year where Stern asked Robin Lopez, “How the hell did you ever bag Michelle Wie?”

The one where Hakeem showed up in his tux and Stern showed up in his stache.

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We’ve devised a simple three step plan that should help you turn the NBA draft into a productive Thursday night filled with all the things you love most: drinking, comedy, and ignoring chicks that annoy you.

STEP 1: Self-Induced Hazing

Do you ever feel like you don’t party as hard as you did in college, or even high school? Remember the days of downing warm shots of whatever brown liquor you could steal from your parents’ liquor cabinet?

Well, we have some good news. Tonight the NBA presents an opportunity to revisit your roots and channel your inner awesomeness. The build up to the first pick will focus on debating whether the Bulls should draft Derrick Rose or Michael Beasley, which is completely irrelevant and a waste of your time since the Bulls are 100% taking Rose.

However, you can take full advantage of the endless ramblings by playing a fun drinking game that the 16 year-old inside of you will love. Every time one of those blowhards on the ESPN set says the word “UPSIDE” or homoerotically describes a strapping young college dropout as “LONG”, take a drink.

Keep it up through the first five picks and you’ll experience the most entertaining way to watch guys like Beasley, Mayo, and Gordon get drafted. Stop at that point or you may not wake up in the morning.

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June 24, 2008 will forever be remembered as the day the Shaq freestyle video consumed the internet. But while everyone else is discussing Shaq dissing Kobe we’d like to spend some time dissecting Shaq’s other lyrics. We have six — count ‘em, six — burning questions:1) Should the rap community allow Shaq to make a Biggie comparison? Seems like when Shaq’s on the mic he should be relegated to making reference to no one more successful than Bubba Sparks.

2) Who should be more offended? White boys, homeless cats, Kareem, or Patrick Ewing?

3) Is it just us or does repeatedly asking some dude to “tell me how my ass tastes” suggest a proclivity for ambiguous prison-style salad tossing?

4) Using Shaq’s logic is a guy named Steve more likely to give a mil to a bitch than a guy named Shaquille? What about a dude named Jason?

5) Talent aside, has “vasectomy” ever been so well integrated into any lyric? Doubt it.

6) Anyone else feel like tracking down Hakeem Olajuwon and forcing him to record the Shaq, How’s My Ass Taste? follow up? It could be the I’m F-ing Matt Damon phenomenon all over again.

[H/T: Awful Announcing]

We’ve been known to give Massholes their equitable share of shit but we have zero qualms with the Celtics (outside of Danny Ainge’s affinity for brain typing). We’re fans of KG, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Kendrick Perkins, and — of course — the incomparable Brian Scalabrine…

Congrats, you glorious bastards. You earned it.

[H/T: FanHouse]

Chris Bosh is the NBA Finals correspondent on Leno and his interview segment last night proved that everything about ‘The Tonight Show’ doesn’t have to suck.

This video is kind of long, so forward to where the magic starts at the 2:00 mark. We found the part where Bosh and Big Baby Davis discuss which ‘Sex and the City’ character they would be especially entertaining. “I like shoes too.”

[H/T: FanHouse]

Pretty good game last night, huh? Oh, you live on the East Coast and fell asleep in the third quarter? That sucks. Maybe you’ll have more success watching Game 2…which is over two days away…on Sunday…also at 9PM.

Nice to know the NBA is capitalizing on the excitement. With an eternity between games here are few things that could happen before Game 2 tips off:

• Paul Pierce could give up basketball to pursue a career as a faith healer.

• Axl Rose could release Chinese Democracy.

• Your last girlfriend could finally realize that she really did drive you to cheat on her.

• OJ could find the real killer.

• You could start that gym routine.

• Nikki Cox could get hot again.

• That hot chick in your office could forget about the time you farted when you thought you were alone in the break room.

• Ray Allen could drop below Wally Szczerbiak in NBA foot speed.

• James Shields could land a punch.

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We considered doing some in depth, hard-hitting b-ball analysis for tonight’s game, but you can read that shit just about everywhere, and Booth feels the equine are a more pressing matter with the race this weekend, and it’s been just a pretty busy day all around.

So instead, here’s an NBA Finals preview spliced over the trailer for ‘Dark Knight’. No, we aren’t the loser dedicated fan/computer mastermind who mashed this thing together. We’re just the assholes who had a favorable impression of it when we saw it on Epic Carnival and decided to pass it along.

Tell you the truth, we have been this GD excited about an NBA game in a long time.

[H/T: Epic Carnival]

Sure, a lot of people were rooting for the Hornets last night in hopes of a change of pace to the NBA playoffs. Well, for those of you boo-hooing over no more Chris Paul, keep in mind that some things about the Spurs never get old. And that’s why they’re a dynasty.

Greg Popovich’s Weird Hair. Nothing compliments mousey features and a poor complexion quite like a hairstyle that’s one part mullet and one part Al Davis.

Parker and Ginobli. Foreign dudes are the best. From their funny accents to their mispronunciation of everyday words to the hilarious way they sound during courtside interviews, it’s hard not to love these two.
Tim Duncan’s Relatability. The dude’s into Renaissance fairs and Dungeons & Dragons and likes to think of himself as a real life Will Hunting, only taller and from the Virgin Islands. He just like the rest of us!

Spurs Fans Wanting Respect. Seriously, until the media starts recognizing the greatness that is the San Antonio basketball franchise we want to hear from Spurs fans on a daily basis.

Eva. Maxim Magazine just reminded us that she’s the fourth hottest woman ALIVE. The NBA Playoffs: Where Erections Happen.

Black and Gray. It really is hard to believe that the two most visually stimulating colors in the spectrum are able to coexist on one jersey.

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We mentioned yesterday that the Wynn Vegas was considering pressing charges against Charles Barkley over four hundred thousand dollars in unpaid markers from last October. Since then Barkley has made a statement that it was his mistake and he’s paying the Wynn ASAP. With this cleared up, Barkley can now concentrate on paying down a few other debts he has outstanding:

100K to Dick Bavetta. For throwing the foot race at the ‘07 All-Star Game so Barkley could maintain his rep of being only a moderate fat ass.

300K to Dwyane Wade. For a bet over whether Dwyane was dog enough to bang Star Jones. Barkley was pretty damn confident Dwyane didn’t have it in him. He was wrong.

50K to the City of Philadelphia. For unpaid parking tickets. Barkley is still adamant that at least half the handicapped citizens of Philly are “fake cripples”.

3K to the guy working the counter at Krispy Kreme. For a bet over whether Charles could finish a dozen Hot ‘n Nows in two minutes. Chuck made it to ten before inducing a diabetic coma.

250K to Patrick Ewing. For leaving Charles’s name out of the Gold Club investigation despite Charles getting at least seven handies in that joint.

John Daly actually owes Barkley money.

15K to Gnarls Barkley. For even further expanding his awesomeness.
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