We’re out of town for another wedding the next few days. In honor of that, we’d like to share a few tips on how we get by during such an occasion…

Never. Stop. Drinking. If you didn’t see this one coming, you have ZERO shot at being awesome at your next wedding.

Set the tone early. From day one, make it clear to everyone that you party the hardest. One sure fire way is to stay up all night the first night and stumble into the next morning’s breakfast shirtless and disoriented (aka “pulling a JK”).   

Bring a hooker (literal or figurative) as your date. Whether you meet some skeez there or you bring some chick from back home known as “The Dumpster”, your invite said “and guest” so you need to take advantage. Bring a literal or figurative hooker and A) getting laid won’t be an issue, and B) you won’t give a shit what she thinks when you disappear for eight hours at a time or if you decide you don’t feel like driving her home.

Get to know the locals. Whether you’re in Canada, Mexico, or Boca Raton, make it a point to get a taste of that local flavor. Best place to start: hometown gentleman’s club.

Give a rehearsal dinner toast that’s truly awesome. Your speech should include some or all of the following: naming how many chicks the groom has banged; naming how many dudes the bride has banged; making it abundantly clear that one of the two “settled”; incorporate a racial slur; call the bride by the wrong name; discuss how everyone was pretty sure that (insert bride’s name here) would have almost certainly died an old maid if (insert groom’s name here) hadn’t come along.

Party with the one family alcoholic. Either the bride or the groom has one aunt or uncle with “the disease”. Sniff this person out and get them going. Make a game of how quickly you can get them to make a public scene (i.e. screaming match, furniture destruction, and/or whipping out his or her genitalia).

Talk your married friends into doing things against their better judgment. Hide their cell phones and convince them that some bar down the road has the best oysters in the universe. Get them drinking and time will pass at a rapid rate. Your end goal: their spouse hunting down their location and physically dragging them from the bar.

Ask old ladies to dance. Make your rounds, boogie with as many old broads as possible. They’ll eat up the attention and one or two is guaranteed to get their freak on. Nothing will make someone more uncomfortable than seeing their mom ride you like a donkey on the dance floor. And who knows? You might even hook up. 

Heckle the bride. Brides often need to develop a mental toughness during the festivities. Consider yourself the Earl Woods of this multiple day affair. Challenge her beauty, her use of vocabulary, and her fashion sense on a regular basis. She’ll be all the better for it when it’s time to strut down the aisle.

Valentine’s Day is a sadistic holiday. That point we can all agree on.

But since in some form or other February 14th affects the lives of every single non-virgin in the continental U.S., here are 4 Rules to Valentine’s Day from your good buddies at NextRound.

We sincerely hope yours doesn’t overly suck.

RULE #1: Never Go Out to Dinner on February 14th

Valentine’s night is amateur night; a night where fat, ugly people everywhere come out from under Steak & Shake and have a white table cloth dinner. You do yourself a serious injustice by making reservations at an exclusive restaurant the one time a year you’re guaranteed to be treated like cattle.

How to Spin It: Tell her some garbage like you want the night to be just about the two of you.

RULE #2: Only If You’ve Known Her Over Six Months

If there’s even a remote chance you won’t remember the name of the chick you’re currently dating this time next year, don’t put yourself through the misery. “Celebrating” V-Day with some girl you’re not contractually or morally obligated to is just plain dumb.

All it will lead to is you spending money and her getting serious about the relationship at an accelerated clip. Even if you think it will get you laid, the damage you’ll incur usually isn’t worth the trade off. Explore more efficient options (i.e. escort services, massage parlors, sluttier accompaniment, etc.)

How to Spin it: Fake ignorance, injury, illness, business travel, or a death in your immediate family. Any solid lie should do.

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Some of you are relatively new to the workforce. New to cubicles, new to fluorescent lighting, new to forced conversation. For that, we apologize. We’re all too familiar with disenchantment.

But one of the few new work related experiences that can be a good time–and at the very least interesting–is the office holiday party. Since we unfortunately have a few years experience with this annual shindig, it’s time again for Team C&T to share some knowledge with the rest of you.

How to Act

• No brainer. Always act cool & tough.

Things to Do

• Impress your co-workers with your college-like drinking abilities.

• Make up chauvinistic nicknames for the ladies in your office like “Buttercup” and “Sugar Tits”. If they act offended, tell them it’s the eggnog talking.

• Be the unlame Secret Santa. For your present to the office admin, gift wrap a dildo and then laugh and point hysterically when she opens it. Some may find your comedy inappropriate. Fuck them.

• Ask your boss for a substantial raise when you’re both good and drunk.

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We’ll be taking Thanksgiving off since our energy levels will be at record lows due to the ungodly quantities of food we intend to consume. We hope this is cool and tough enough to get everyone through the holiday.

7 Rules for a Cool & Tough Thanksgiving

1. Treat the Women in Your Life Like Indentured Servants

Thanksgiving is one of those few days throughout the year (along with any day spent in a gentleman’s club) where you essentially hop in a time machine and travel back to the 1920’s. It’s glorious.

Whether it be your girlfriend, your wife, your lady on the side, or your relatives, make the women in your life do everything for you. Cook, clean, fetch you a drink, tell you how awesome you are, everything. Just as God intended.

And the best part is: THEY LOVE IT. Women secretly crave good, old-fashioned chauvinism. They gobble it up with a spoon. Trust us.

2. Exert the Least Amount of Energy Possible

Unless the opportunity to effortlessly bang an above average looking chick (not involving the exchange of currency) presents itself, putting your pants on in the morning should be the most strenuous activity your day. And even that’s optional.

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Engagement parties should be outlawed. An engagement party on a Saturday night during football season is just down right mean.

We thought long and hard about how we could get engagement parties (and couple showers, and anniversaries, and Valentines Day) abolished. Unfortunately, we failed. Mostly because we didn’t really try all that long and hard.

But just because we can’t order beheadings for throwing awkward events, that doesn’t mean we can’t help you make the best of it. Here’s how to prepare for an engagement party:

THE GOAL: Put yourself in a position to spend the least amount of time possible at a gut-wrenchingly horrendous social gathering.

Step 1: Start drinking early. Way before noon. Somewhere around 10 AM. Don’t mess around either. Hit it hard. You’re going to need the appropriate buzz to survive the day.

Step 2 : Meet up with the dudes. Around noon meet up with all your buddies at a sports bar to watch football and split buckets of beers. Make sure all the other poor bastards that have to attend the engagement “party” are there with you.

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Since the H-Man has come on board and gotten off to a solid start we’ve begun to receive several questions about online sports gambling. The following are the things that you need to know:

Is online gambling illegal?

In October 2006, the self-righteous windbags who comprise Congress passed a law that made it illegal for any financial institution to allow their customers to send money to any internet gambling site. They did not make it illegal for individual persons to gamble online.

Furthermore, the services provided by an internet gambling website are not illegal. The only entity that commits a criminal act is the financial institution that allows the individual person to transfer funds to online gambling websites.

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1) Get there early. Tailgating is too precious to not soak up every second. As a rule of thumb you should be leveling yourself off with your second Bloody Mary by the time College Gameday starts up. And that’s the bare minimum. If the noon games kick off and you’re still in bed, you’ve not only let yourself down, you’ve let us and your friends down.

2) Drink alcohol first. You will most likely be nursing a hangover on Saturday morning. And the only cure is to transform that headache and nausea into an old-fashioned liquor high. H20 may be necessary at some point throughout the day, but always remember to maintain your priorities.

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We apologize for the lack of content yesterday, but we take our Independence Day Holiday seriously…which means we drink a lot the week of the 4th. Besides, it’s difficult to kick two bikini clad college girls who like to experiment out the bed just to boot up your laptop, especially when you’re on vacation during a particularly slow time of year.

But whatever. We’re sure you’d rather hear about our cool and tough exploits than our lame excuses, so here are some tips on how to make your July 4th holiday a little more awesome:

1) Drink at the beach. Drink all the beers. Beers and the beach go great together. Create an aluminum fortress around yourself and your friends with all your empties. Complete the structure with a moat of peanut shells. People will think you have a massive dong.

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We catch serious shit from some members of Team Cool & Tough when we write about the NBA. But hey, we like sports, what do they like, musicals, campfires, and horseback riding? Those fairies can keep their opinions.

And regardless of whether or not the NBA is outside of the collective consciousness, basketball is still basketball, and this time of year the sports’ landscape is a desert fucking wasteland, so why not pay attention to the NBA draft?

This year’s draft will be better than just about ever other draft over the last 10 years, because this year you actually know the majority of the players due to the 19 year old rule (aka The Smartest Rule Ever). What a breath of fresh air. You can only have so much barstool analysis of kids out of high school and guys you can’t pronounce their names right. Can you imagine the amount of zero anticipation this draft would have if you didn’t get to see how badass Kevin Durant was all college season? How much Oden dominated the glass in the tournament? Or what an inordinate amount of douchebaggery Joakim Noah is capable of? The NBA got this one right.

Another reason to pay attention to the NBA Draft–at least the first twenty picks–is because you’re guaranteed at least 5 laugh-your-ass-off/jaw-drop-interesting moments. You just have to know where to look.

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