We recommend you watch the first five seconds of this video over and over again. After that it’s just a bunch of this chick’s coworkers pretending to be concerned about her welfare. But those first five seconds are AWEsome…

Seriously, who invented stairs? Can we sue them? Those things are fucking dangerous.

[H/T: Holy Taco]

Team Cool & Tough is heading to Vegas this morning, which, unfortunately for you — not us — means content is going to be light today. We recommend you scan the sidebar and check out any of the recent articles you may have missed. We have exceeded our own expectations of awesomeness lately. 

Sports picks out later today. And maybe a little something here and there depending on whether or not Scores has their wi-fi properly installed yet.

Sports Update:

• Jay Cutler simply couldn’t let Brady Quinn’s first NFL W be against him. [Yahoo]
• John Daly is such a drunken mess Hooters is considering firing him. [Deadspin]
• Infidelity dating service wants to advertise with the NFL. [Awful Announcing]

Stuff We Like:

• Movie mash-ups that should happen sooner rather than later. [Holy Taco]
• LSU fans getting excited to show their contempt for Nick Saban. [Busted Coverage]
• The 10 Hottest Gemma Atkinson Videos Ever Created. [Manofest]

Things Got Weird:

• Some hero in Tampa used his 72 year-old grandpa as a human shield. [Yahoo]
• Drunk driver informs cops he knows karate and has been working out. [Kitsap Sun]
• Bar patron learns the hard way that gum wrappers are not currency. [AP]

Assorted Pretty Ladies:

• Anyone feeling like a Stacy Keibler gallery? [Celebridiot]
• Sofia Vergara is Columbian and we don’t judge her for it. [My Chill Pill]
• And where the hell did Vanessa Marcil disappear to? [Salty Milk]

Step 1: Memorize at least three names from the Hawks starting lineup.

Step 2: Use the terms “young” and “athletic” frequently when discussing the team.

Step 3: Replace the Hawks with the Sonics as your go-to doormat team when making a clever NBA joke.

Step 4: Casually mention to your buddies that Dominique Wilkins was hands down your favorite NBA player in the 80’s. To really sell it, lie about how you vividly remember watching his Game 7 showdown against Larry Bird in the ‘88 Playoffs.

Step 5: Refer to Joe Johnson as “JJ” every time he touches the ball. This will demonstrate your familiarity with the team.

Step 6: Learn how to pronounce “Pachulia” (Patch-oo-lee-ah).

Step 7: Remind your buddies that you’ve been on the Josh Smith bandwagon for a really long time. When they call bullshit produce a doctored email from last summer where you make the claim.

Step 8: Make distasteful references to stabbings every time Paul Pierce scores Wednesday night.

Step 9: Take back at least half the jokes you’ve made about the Hawks passing on Chris Paul.

Step 10: Figure out how to tell the difference between TI and Young Jeezy when they’re courtside for Game 5.

For our first ever Griffin Guess Award segment we’d like to recognize this goofy hippie that may or may not be dating Natalie Portman. The shades, the scarf, the side part, the collar, the cast away beard. We really couldn’t ask for anything more in the douche department from this guy.

Of course, Portman strutting around with this goon is probably one of Ashton Kutcher’s unfunny jokes he’s currently playing on the media since he’s not busy acting (hint: he can’t act), but — tell you the truth — we don’t really give a shit. If this hippie smells as bad as we presume he does then just standing next to Natalie Portman is quite an accomplishment. Kutcher can still eat a dong.

And for those who might be wondering, the Griffin Guess Award is a distinction we will be handing out going forward recognizing Excellence in the Field of Douchebag Overachievement.

It’s aptly named after the greatest douchebag overachiever our generation will ever know, Griffin Guess:

(more…)

Segment from Bill O’Reilly’s show covering controversial (yet fucking hilarious) billboard advertising for the angriest man alive’s website. Outside of having to listen to O’Reilly pretend he’s offended (when we ALL know he has a poster size version of the butt sex billboard in his bedroom) this clip is awesome. The Santa ad clearly dominates all competition.

The uncompromisable BradyFan83 returns with a new video dedicated to Ladainian Tomlinson. It does not disappoint.

(more…)

We’ve given Eddie Murphy a lot of shit over the last year, but back in the day he was a comic prophet. Like in this clip from “Coming to America” where he knew the outcome of the NFC Championship.

For any regular follower of the site who continues to wonder if Booth actually exists, this “American Idol” footage is the only recording of him we’re aware of on the world wide web. Sucks Simon found him “disturbing”. Cassette singles of “Stalker” are available for $3.99.

(more…)

Roman Candle fighting is as cool as it sounds. [With Leather]

Just when you thought Brent Musberger couldn’t get any cooler (or drunker) he made these Playboy comments about Erin Andrews during a broadcast. Hey, he just said what we’re all thinking, right? [Awful Announcing]

(more…)

Sporadic demonstrations of martial arts prowess, especially when it comes to nunchucks. We think these guys are quoting/reenacting “Enter the Dragon”, but we’re not real certain because we only watch true martial arts flicks: the ones starring Steven Seagal.

“You want me to show you tough, I’ll show you tough.” Pant. [via With Leather]

Congrats to LSU for the big win last night. We’d like to say we were more excited, but FOX’s BCS coverage has sucked the life out of us. They make the new “Rambo” flick look well-produced. We do like this kid though. LSU fans realize you’re never too young to teach your kids to party the hardest. [via FanHouse]

(more…)

This was pretty much us throughout the 90’s. Merry Christmas Everyone!

(more…)

Santa and Michael Jordan (circa 1987) want to wish you a Merry Christmas. How effing bad do you want to find a pair of Jordan’s under the tree this year after watching this? [FanHouse]

(more…)