As far as we’re concerned Will Ferrell’s legacy will be his contributions to our everyday vernacular. The guy has spent his career introducing line after line for dudes like us to recycle when the opportune time presents itself.

So with Step Brothers opening this week — and growing on us despite our current reservations with regards to Will’s overexposure — we decided to log our all-time favorite Will Ferrell lines. We’re pretty sure writers had nothing to do with these, the majority being ad-libbed.

The Ron Burgundy Lines

We’re certain Will made Anchorman solely to give a generation of young men a lifetime’s supply of reusable lines…

“I’m kind of a big deal. People know me.” - A little played in 2008, but there’s no denying the pure awesomeness. Best used on chicks in 2004, before they realized it was from a movie.

“A whale’s vagina.” - Classic response for when anyone asks what a foreign word or geographic name means.

“I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch.” - Best used after your first sip of scotch, if you rarely drink scotch.

“Agree to disagree.” (in Burgundy voice) - Last resort comment when losing an argument with your girlfriend.
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This year — like every year — we passed on watching the ESPY Awards. We know of better ways to kill braincells. But in the future these ten categories could get us to tune in…

Best Illegitimate Dad - Past winners include the obvious likes of Shawn Kemp, Evander Holyfield, and Travis Henry. Tom Brady and Darren McFadden would have been included in this year’s nominations, igniting a healthy quantity vs. quality debate.

Best ESPN Personality Termination - Recognizing the former ESPN personality the casual sports fan is most thankful to no longer have to endure on the network. Sean Salisbury and Michael Irvin would have headlined this year’s list of nominees. Emmitt Smith should go ahead and make room on his mantle.

Best Womanizing Athlete - AKA the Derek Jeter Award. With the breaking Minka Kelly news we don’t see how Jeter wouldn’t have walked away with the trophy again this year. And to think, six months ago we were under the impression Romo was a serious contender. So sad.

Best Coaching Tirade - Mike Gundy would have been the odds on favorite, but Mark Mangino had serious darkhorse potential (NSFW audio):

Best Performance by an Athlete in an Arrest - Two weeks ago we thought Cedric Benson’s boating performance had this locked up, but Matt Jones and his eight ball made a serious late push.

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We ran across this “Going Back to Philly” promo for the new season of Always Sunny in Philadelphia last night and we’re still sporting wood. How fitting is it that Booth and SMac will have this beat to rock to the entire time they’re in Philly this weekend? Now if Boothy can only successfully talk Danny Devito into riding Palace for us…

Seriously, the Fall is the fucking best isn’t it? When we’re not counting down the days to football season or wondering whether The Dark Knight can really be as kick ass as we expect it to be we spend the rest of our time feeling bullshit about how much TV sucks during the summer. (more…)

Too many brilliant people from the 80’s have been forgotten. We’re here to commemorate some of the rare genius that comprised the next to last decade of the 20th century.

Today we honor everyone’s favorite goodhearted 80’s womanizer: Scott Baio.

How You Remember Him: As Charles on Charles in Charge. As the guy who banged Pamela Anderson and Heather Locklear.

How You Should Also Remember Him: As the Grand Dragon of Awesomeness. As the dude who was politely banned from the Playboy Mansion for bedding too many of the chicks Hef liked. As Buddy Lembeck’s best friend. As the guy whose conquests range from Denise Richards to Liza Minnelli (and he’s more the bad ass for it). As Chachi. As the co-star who stole Nicole Eggert’s innocence, eventually leading to her making Blown Away.

Reasons Why You Probably Thought Scott Was Dead: 1) You figured an STD had caught up to him by now. 2) You heard he starred in a few episodes of The Nanny and assumed he offed himself not long after. 3) You were under the impression that life is fair and a dude with this impressive of a resume couldn’t live past 40.

Coolest Thing You Don’t Know About Him: During his 2007 Howard Stern interview he claimed he’s banged a ton of mediocre chicks because it’s his way of giving back.

Not Quite as Cool Thing You Don’t Know About Him: He took over for Henry Winkler as the Bluth family lawyer for the third season of Arrested Development. Kind of money casting since he played the Fonz’s cousin on Happy Days. Also money: the name Bob Loblaw.

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Deep down we’ve known for some time Mario Lopez is quite the douchebag, but due to our ironic and nostalgic appreciation for all things AC Slater we’ve been unwilling to fully admit this to ourselves. But after a couple of week’s worth of Lopez sucktitude we’ve finally come to the conclusion that AC Slater and Mario Lopez will never be one in the same ever again.

Here are the three different ways Super Mario made our decision for us…

1) Shirtlessness

We’re not confident enough in our own sexuality to post shirtless pictures of Mario Lopez on NextRound so we’ve gone with the “Who has two thumbs, a jump rope, and likes to train like 1920’s boxer?” photo for this article. We are willing however to link to this Gawker piece on how Mario has officially overtaken McConaughey as the Most Shirtless Man in America. Pretty intriguing stuff, if you’re looking for someone to punch on a Friday that is.

We were at the grocery store the other day (not buying condoms) and spotted TWO separate magazine covers featuring a shirtless Lopez. That was the beginning of the end.

This is the only way we want to remember AC Slater shirtless. (Editor’s Warning: super gay but at the same time super hysterical, view at your own risk.)

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Has anyone else picked up on this? That Kiefer Sutherland is the voice behind the new BOA ads on television? We saw one over the weekend and it threw us for a loop. We went as far as to google “Kiefer” and “Bank of America” to confirm that we’d actually heard what we thought we heard.

At first glance it just seemed like a funny and inconsequential pop culture nugget, but then the more we started thinking about it — and the different levels of irony — the more it started to blow our mind. We still can’t figure out what part is most ironic:

• That some Canadian actor is telling us to bank with the “Bank of America”.

• Or that BOA hired a raging alcoholic who just did time for DUI to tell us how to handle our personal finances.

• Or that Jack Bauer cares about our fiscal wellbeing.

• Or that we’ve seen every season of 24 and it took a banking commercial in between innings of a baseball game to trigger for us that Jack Bauer is actually Canadian and how fucked up that is.

Try not to spend all week beating yourself up for answers, because you’re not likely to find many. This a tree fell in the woods sort of situation. We do recommend however spending the week telling everyone how awesome this picture is.

Far too many people are under the impression that Dave Coulier died in the 90’s. And seeing that that’s just something we refuse to accept we’re here to catch you up on the life and times of everyone’s favorite Full House uncle not named Jesse.

Demonstrating that the easiest venue to pick up high school chicks is their own cafeteria…

A night out with the other members of the Panty Dropper’s Society - West Coast Chapter.

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With the advent of Celebrity Circus it is becoming painfully clear that TV networks are beginning to run out of ways to exploit D-minus celebrities for cheap ratings. Luckily we have some ideas.

(Editor’s Note: The term “celebrity” will be used in the loosest sense imaginable for the remainder of this article.)

1) Celebrity Migrant Worker

Premise: 10 “celebrities” compete over who is the superior unskilled laborer. Every episode contestants will work a different minimum wage job and America will vote off the contestant with the poorest performance. Gigs will include but not be limited to: janitorial work, drive-thru window operation, picking cotton, and finding jobs via the Home Depot parking lot.

Tagline: “They’ve proven they can steal your hearts, now find out if they can clean your toilets.”

Dream Contestant: Any Hills cast member.

2) Celebrity Casting Call

Premise: “Celebrities” having a difficult time finding work in Hollywood receive unsolicited calls to audition for fake feature film roles with some of Hollywood’s A-list stars. Improv actors pose as casting directors and push contestants to humiliating limits to land the role.

Tagline: “What actress will drink her own pee to share the big screen with George Clooney?”

Dream Contestant: Denise Richards.

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Since there’s not a GD thing on television right now we spent the time gaps between watching DVR’d Cinemax last night aimlessly channel surfing. And while doing so we discovered The Bachelorette still exists.

Now, we get The Bachelor and why it’s successful. The recipe is pretty simple:

• Attention-whoring pretty ladies desperate to get famous.
• One successful dude eager to take a run at banging them all.
• Primetime television.
• The alarmingly large contingent of the population who love all things reality.

But what we don’t get is when you flip parts of that formula around to create The Bachelorette. Where do these chicks that are eager to bang all the contestants hang out? And what dudes are so desperate to be on television that they’re willing to battle it out with a bunch of other guys to see who gets to win a monogamous relationship? It would defy logic for any of them not to be a debilitating goon. So with that in mind…

What people will infer about you when they find out you’re going on The Bachelorette:

• That beers with the fellas just isn’t your thing.

• That your applications to The Real World, Big Brother, Road Rules, Survivor, and The Apprentice were all turned down along with your application to be The Bachelor.

• That you pay for spray tans in three month increments.

• That you would have applied for The Amazing Race but couldn’t find the friend.

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So, I’m on my couch at 8:30PM still hurting from Saturday night’s bad decisions. It’s either a Tivo’d re-run of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ (you read that right) and wait for ‘Family Guy’ to start, or tune into a show called ‘Most Outrageous Moments of All Time’ that has an intro that claims I am about to witness “the most outrageous moments OF ALL TIME.” Who the fuck am I not to watch?

‘MOMOAT’ is so good that it prompts me to crack open my first maybe a beer will make me feel better beer of the day. When Most Outrageous Moment No. 7 hits I spewed the second sip out my nose. Take it in, and if you’ve seen it before, it will be like the first time all over again:

Check out my runner up after the jump…

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