After a long hiatus Heroes returns to television tonight. Sure, the show reaches a certain degree of nerdiness due to the subject matter, but you have to hand it to the creators for managing to somewhat compensate with satisfactory levels of lady friend action.

One of the scarier propositions to consider when watching Heroes is what it would be like if chicks in real life had superpowers. Take the ladies on the show for example. If they actually had their character’s powers it would pretty much render them undatable.

Ali Larter

Ali has aged nicely since the whip cream bikini days. Good for her. Sure, the front court leaves a little to be desired for most of us, but she’s certainly one of the eye candy highlights on Heroes.

Superpower: Bi-Polar Disorder / Superhuman Strength

The Problem: As a general rule of thumb when messing with chicks who suffer from bi-polar disorder you should hit it and quit it. Attempt to dip into that well twice and — believe us — one way or another an ambulance is getting called. We can’t even imagine how bad things could get if the chick in question had superhuman strength. Would probably make Lorena Bobbitt look like Florence Nightingale.

Kristen Bell

This spunky little tart continues to grow on us despite the realization that we’d probably be weirded out by how freakishly tiny she is if we ever met her in person. Regardless, the elf is asking for it.

Superpower: Shooting Electricity. At People. Or something like that.

The Problem: There’s pretty much zero in it for you if a chick can shoot lightening bolts out of her hands. Sure, you might be able to talk her into a party trick here or there, but the probability of you getting your ass fried in the near future far outweighs the positives.

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On Wednesday we saw Kevin Connolly’s name in a Page Six headline. Since we’re always in the mood to impress ourselves with a new midget joke we took twenty seconds to read about Connolly’s latest exploits. Everything was pretty boring up until the final sentence where Page Six casually mentioned that Connolly hooked up with Stacy Keibler the night before. See it for yourself:

“It was a good weekend for Connolly - the night before, he hooked up with pro wrestler Stacy Keibler.”

We re-read this roughly ten times because we couldn’t believe: A) it was in print, B) even the NY Post could stoop to reporting something so obviously erroneous, and C) how fucking nonchalantly they went about it, like yeah, no big deal, this dwarf escapes from Wonka’s chocolate factory and bangs beautiful Amazon women on a weekly basis.

We saved this rant for today primarily because we figured the Post would publish a front page retraction by now. Frightening as it is, they have not. Even worse is if you google the two names all you get are bunch gossip blogs proliferating the preposterous news.

This is unacceptably unacceptable. The most fucking unacceptable part being  the public’s willingness to casually accept the story as fact. CONNOLLY IS 4′11″ PEOPLE! HE WEIGHS A BUCK FIFTEEN! HE CAN’T GO TO THE MALL WITHOUT SECURITY GUARDS TRYING TO HELP HIM FIND HIS PARENTS! HE’D HAVE TO HAVE THE ABILITY TO MULTIPLY HIMSELF IN ORDER TO HIT TWO OF HER EROGENOUS ZONES AT ONCE!

The real question now is: who can we sue? Booth’s currently looking into it. We think we can find a way to wrap Mark Wahlberg into this. Why, Wahlberg? Because fuck him that’s why! We refuse to be lied to. The only Connolly / Keibler hook up story we’re willing to believe will involve Stacy having some sort of midget fetish stemming from her proximity to the Keibler Elf fortune.

Prepare to punch a co-worker after the jump…

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The fourth season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – the funniest show on television – starts tonight. As a public service announcement we’ve rounded up just about every clip available on the world wide web in order to remind everyone who doesn’t watch how much they suck.

If you’re not watching then…

You don’t know how to pick a rec league basketball team. “I can’t pick the…I can’t pick the what?”

You don’t know how to properly sing “More than Words” with your friends at bar. Mind the Charlie solo at the :17 mark.

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With the current turmoil in the economy we’ve come to the conclusion it’s time to get off the grid with our substantial investment portfolio. It’s a good thing for us we’ve watched A LOT of Sopranos over the years and have several ideas of how to go about it.

1) Invest in a Strip Club. What’s the one thing people are willing to pay to see no matter how tough times get? You guessed it: tits. And from what we can tell there may also be some fringe benefits included with owning such an establishment.

2) Buy a Racehorse. It’s cool. It’s tough. Not only do you get to reap your horse’s winnings, but you also get to wager on your horse as well. Speaking from experience, we’d have a difficult time identifying a more a sound investment.

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As an extra special favor this week, Steve Irony, Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert, has provided a night by night preview of this year’s fall television lineup. As always, take his opinions with a grain of salt.

Friday Nights

I realize the majority of NR readers are out being awesome on Friday nights, doing stuff like taking body shots off rock hard 21 year-old blondes. Or, more than likely, getting annihilated off Stunt Man shots** and pissing themselves at the bar while 35 year-old fat girls laugh and make jokes about how small their penis must be.

BUT, if you’re not out being kick ass then you can stay home with me and worship “the god in a box”.

Crusoe, NBC 8PM:

If you can’t guess what this is about, well, then you are the weakest link. Me and the little lady just found the show to replace the previously believed to be irreplaceable Las Vegas.

Here’s a fun equation for you: 2 Little Kids + Mortgage + Basically a Single Income (another story for another time) = No Life. Speaking of life…

Life, NBC 10PM:

That’s right bitches, while you knuckleheads are wasting time and money buying drinks for girls you either a) won’t get into bed or b) wish weren’t in your bed I’ll be watching Life. Please take a step back, I have an erection. This show is nuthing but GREAT.

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As an extra special favor this week, Steve Irony, Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert, will be providing a night by night preview of this year’s fall television lineup. As always, take his opinions with a grain of salt.

Thursday Nights

This Fall’s Thursday night lineup proves once and for all network execs like to gamble on college football. Thank god for DVR, because other than The Office there really isn’t anything I’m interested in watching. Unless you count THE SCI-FI BARN BURNER AT 10…

Life on Mars, ABC 10PM:

“A modern police detective wakes from a coma to find himself working as a cop in 1973 and must readjust to life as he seeks a way back to his future.”

Talk about a hail mary. I even can’t believe someone OK’d this for primetime network television. I would have LOVED to be in the room when whoever pitched this show pitched this show. Now that I think about it, I probably was in the room since it obviously went down at a seedy strip club where they let you pause lap dances to do a line. I’m anticipating big things from Life on Mars.

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As an extra special favor this week, Steve Irony, Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert, will be providing a night by night preview of this year’s fall television lineup. As always, take his opinions with a grain of salt.

Wednesday Nights

My knight looks to be mapped out already:

Knight Rider, NBC 8PM:

Yes, that is a boner in my pants.

There is absolutely ZERO chance this show isn’t corny as hell. Everyone needs to recognize that going in. Lets face it, it’s a bad idea to remake any show from the 80’s. It’s an even worse idea to remake a show that was already based on a bad idea in the 80’s. Math isn’t my strong suit BUT I’m pretty sure this is one of those situations where two wrongs equals awesome. Consider me all in.

I’d still be carrying my lunch to work in a Knight Rider lunchbox if my wife didn’t tell me a little piece of her dies every time I do it. My XBox Live handle is “George Michael Knight”. Find me and prepare to get your ass handed to you in a gifted wrapped package.

Let me reiterate: this show is hands down the highlight of the new fall lineup for me. Cool car? Check. Hot ass chicks? Check. Completely bullshit plot? Check. Val Kilmer as the voice of K.I.T.T.? Double check.

If you need more (and I seriously doubt you do) check out a NSFW sample of cast member Deanna Russo. Saddle up partner!!!

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As an extra special favor this week, Steve Irony, Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert, will be providing a night by night preview of this year’s fall television lineup. As always, take his opinions with a grain of salt.

Tuesday Nights

Tuesday night is as big of an enigma as Christina Ricci’s hotness. There are a ton of new shows on Tuesdays so it could end up being the night of all nights or the evening you dominate online rentals and the fantasy football waiver wire. Let’s take a look…

Opportunity Knocks, ABC 8PM:

Before you get excited like I did this show doesn’t star Dana Carvey and isn’t about being a con man. I know. Brutal, right? Instead it’s some feel good show about blah blah blah***thinks about sex tape of lesbian Britney and Paris that will hopefully hit shelves soon***blah blah blah…

In case you care, from what I can gather this show is a cross between The Price Is Right and crap. They go to people’s houses and put the family on their very own game show. WEEEEEE! It’s going to suck something awful. BRING BACK CARVEY!

Privileged, CW 9PM:

A show about rich young girls and their crazy antics. This couldn’t have cock tease written on it more if the tagline was, “Prepare for blue balls.” Watching a TV show on basic cable about 17 and 18 year-old girls who like to be bad will undoubtedly be a little too frustrating for my taste…

90210, CW 8PM:

Seriously, WTF? Reread blurb on Privileged. Man this is getting frustrating.

The Mentalist, CBS 9PM:

My pick for darkhorse of the season. It’s about some smug asshole who solves crimes by being extremely observant and awesome at the same time. Kind of a cross between USA shows Monk and Psych, but with less comedy and more acting like a prick. Could be this year’s Life. If this show lives up to its potential I definitely plan to be back with a mid-season update on its AWESOMENESS.

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As an extra special favor this week, Steve Irony, Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert, will be providing a night by night preview of this year’s fall television lineup. As always, take his opinions with a grain of salt. First up, Monday nights.

Have you found yourself sitting on your toilet wondering, “What Is Steve Irony going to watch this fall?” Well, it’s time to stop thinking and start reading…

Monday Nights

Monday night television should generally be DVR’d due to Monday Night Football, but who’s kidding who here, I’m probably only going to pay attention to six or so games. Why that is is another story for another time.

Anyhoo, Monday features a fierce matchup, probably one for the ages. It’s an extremely unique and difficult challenge for me.

In This Corner: Chuck

Chuck is about a computer guy (named Chuck) who works in BEST BUY’s Geek Squad department (although they change the name of the store for the show but you get the idea). He becomes an elite spy because a super computer is uploaded into his brain.

In the Other Corner: Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles

Terminator is about post-T2 Sarah and John Connor running from a surprisingly large amount of Terminators in the present day.

Due to the extremely realistic nature of each show, I love them both. I would rather be forced to choose between my wife and my girlfriend than these two programs. Let’s see how they compare…

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Leighton Meester is the other chick on Gossip Girl. Just about all of us are aware of that fact but don’t want to admit it so we figured we’d lay it out early.

When we were first introduced to her our reaction was something along the lines of “Eh” or “Wouldn’t kick her out of bed.” But then the more we saw of her the more she grew on us (in the we would love to give her the business sort of way). And then we found out yesterday that she was born in prison and that made things way more interesting. (Her family sold drugs. Awesome.) Couple all this with her seemingly getting hotter with age and soon reprising her role from the first season of Entourage (yes, we still watch) and you’ve got yourself the makings of Hump Day.

Leighton Meester’s Hump Day Bio

Age: 22. Kind of awesome how all these chicks who play high school girls on television are actually legal. Or at least that’s what Steve Irony keeps telling us.

Figure: Not bad.

How Many Episodes of Gossip Girl You’d Watch in Order to Bang Her: 10. 15 if you’re allowed to make jokes about how gay the dudes are the whole time.

Fantasy Career Ambition: Headlining feature films.

Realistic Career Expectation: Headlining shows on networks not named the CW.

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