Between playing hockey, banging cougars, wearing short shorts, interning at Vogue, and telling fashion reporters he’s going to go home and jerk off to them, we’re never quite sure if we hate Sean Avery or think he’s kind of awesome. One thing we do we know for sure though is that every pro athlete should follow his rule to sloppy seconds. Check out the first thirty seconds of this video which is directed towards Calgary Flames defenseman, Dion Phaneuf, who is currently dating Sean’s ex, Elisha Cuthbert:

The NHL has already suspended Avery indefinitely for these comments, which we find absurd to say the least. Why is the NHL always drinking so much hatorade? Isn’t it pretty clear that Sean was just attempting to help out his fellow pro athlete in the lady friend department? Where’s the harm in that? Sean realizes that sloppy seconds are rocking the foundation of professional athletics to its core, and if one brave man isn’t willing to lay out a guideline for sloppy seconds then they could threaten the promiscuous ways of pro athletes everywhere. Behold, The Sean Avery Rule:Never fall in love with another pro athlete’s sloppy seconds. Makes all the sense in the world right? If you’re a pro athlete. And you get paid handsomely to play sports. And chicks everywhere want to bang you. Then what the hell are you doing falling in love with another pro athlete’s leftovers? It’s beneath you. It’s one thing to make a run at another pro athlete’s sloppy seconds one drunk night in Cleveland, sure. Go to town. But love? That just ain’t gonna to fly. There are too many smoking hot fish in the scantily clad sea ready and willing to hump pro athletes (hockey players included) to be falling in love with another dude’s sloppy seconds.

So let this be a lesson to you, oddly named Dion Phaneuf. No matter how much of a crush you developed on Kim Bauer while DVD binging on the first three seasons of 24, you’re life is too awesome for you to fall in love with her. You can thank Sean Avery for teaching you and pro athletes everywhere this valuable — and possibly career saving — lesson.

And now a couple of gratuitous pics of Elisha Cuthbert because we’re awesome…

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Lane Kiffin might look like he should be your server at Ruby Tuesdays, and he might not put on the most charismatic press conference, and he might have only gotten the Tennessee gig because a batshit crazy old man ill-advisedly gave him an NFL head coaching job, but there is one thing we know for sure about Lane…

He knows when to lock something down.

In this case his wife Layla. Just look at Lane’s smug grin anticipating this shot making it around the world wide web. He knows what you’re thinking. Mucho Respecto Lano!

Here’s to Vols fans hoping Lane Kiffin’s glorious tenure as head coach delivers several SEC championships and lasts long enough for his two daughters to become Tennessee co-eds.

Thanks to JB for giddily sending us the photo.

Atlantic City gets a bad rap for all the stabbings and jerseyiness, but name another town in America with such affordable hummers. To make matters even better A.C. is getting desperate in a dire economy. Casinos are prepared to pull out all the stops this holiday season to attract visitors who may intend to otherwise selfishly put their gambling money towards Christmas presents for loved ones.

And by “all the stops” we mean Hooters girls getting chased and tackled by drunk dudes in Santa costumes. Newsday reports:

“On Dec. 13, the casino (Ed’s Note: Tropicana’s The Quarter) will host the Running of The Santas, part of a nationwide bar tour in which participants don Santa hats, beards and suits, and do their own version of Pamplona’s running of the bulls. Only at the head of this race will be Hooters girls.”

Um, one question. What do we get to do with the Hooters girls once we catch them? Depending on the answer we may be cashing in Treasury bonds for a santa costume and a flight to Jersey in the very near future.

How it’s taken this long for someone to gear the running of the bulls towards the objectification of women we’ll never understand. Those chicks better be getting paid double.

[Source: Newsday via Fark]

We can only assume this dude woke up yesterday morning determined to get arrested in the awesomest manner possible. Some local news station in California reports:

“Chris Baker, 19, pulled up next to a police vehicle early Monday morning and rolled down the driver’s side window, according to the Merced County Sheriff’s Department. Baker allegedly asked Deputy Delray Shelton if he wanted something to drink, then hurled an open 12-ounce can of Budweiser through his open window into the deputy’s vehicle (Editor’s Note: Did the cop want something to drink?).

“Baker then allegedly drove off and refused to stop when a nearby deputy gave pursuit. Baker allegedly sped through a parking lot and evaded pursuit on Hillside Avenue.

“As authorities searched the areas, Deputy Shelton recognized Baker walking down the 9000 block Of Rochester Avenue and confronted him. Baker allegedly resisted arrest, and Shelton used his taser to subdue him.”

We suggest you re-read the story substituting “allegedly” with “definitely”, but either way it’s difficult to deny the awesomeness.

Baker is apparently blaming a bad breakup for his self-destructive actions, but in the world we want to live in Baker made a bet with a cocky billionaire that he could bang the billionaire’s Playmate wife if in one night he managed to successfully: A) Antagonize a police officer — using only a can of Budweiser– into a high speed chase, B) Evade the police, and C) Let himself get caught and tasered.

Totally worth it.

[Source: CBS13.com]

Incriminating photos of Bono, Hans from Die Hard, and two 19 year-old girls in bikinis recently surfaced on Facebook. Why? Because when 19 year-old girls party with celebrities they take pictures and post them on Facebook.

It’s too bad Bono’s famous. And married. And parades himself around as a bleeding heart crusader for humanity. And changed his name from Paul Hewson to Bono. Because if it wasn’t for those things people probably wouldn’t be giving him a hard time. Sucks for him. We can hang out with 19 year-old girls all we want.

[Source: Daily Mail]

You always hear speculation that Lindsay Lohan is a self-absorbed, big-boobed pain in the ass, but we just don’t see it (except for the big boobs, we see those). Take the accounts of her recent stint on Ugly Betty for example. Seems like she was more than pleasant…

1) Lindsay didn’t overstay her welcome:

“It got so ugly on the set of Ugly Betty between Lindsay Lohan and the popular ABC show’s star, America Ferrera, that Lohan was cut from an agreed-upon six episodes to four.”

Aren’t you supposed to always leave people wanting more?

2) Lindsay helped decorate:

“One production source said, ‘It was a mess. Lindsay would show up every day with an entourage of people. She smoked 24/7, and after she left, they had to repaint her dressing room it was such a mess.’”

It’s not her fault the producers have such conservative tastes.

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Guy Ritchie and Madonna are officially getting divorced. What does this mean exactly? Well, primarily two things: 1) More mileage out of what a creepy old lady banging weirdo A-Rod is, and 2) The a possibility that Guy Ritchie will lift his moratorium on not sucking.

As most of you are aware Ritchie made two pretty bad ass films (Lock, Stock and Snatch) pre-Madonna. Both movies are pretty much the same movie, but that’s not really a big deal when they’re about crooks and cursing and gun play and British accents. The point is, ever since Guy married that hollowed out pop-singing cadaver he’s sucked elephant dick at making cool movies about cursing and British accents.

First there was Swept Away, which actually starred Madonna and is well regarded as one of the finest diarrhetics around. And then there was some flick called Revolver that no one saw and the few who did couldn’t follow because they were too busy trying to figure out why the fuck Jason Statham was pretending he’s not bald. That move had Material Girl written all over it. Chick is like the anti-muse.

So does the divorce mean Guy Ritchie won’t suck anymore? We’re willing to bet so. RocknRolla looks to have lots of crooks and gun play and will probably feel like the third installment in the Lock, Stock trilogy, so that’s a good sign. We can only hope Guy did most of his work on that flick in between banging strippers and not his wife. Also, casting Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes is another step in the right direction. We’re 100% sure RDJ is better at playing British dudes than actual British dudes are. He’d out-British the fucking pants off Hugh Grant.

Yep, things are coming up Ritchie all of sudden. And the rest of us should be the better for it.

The brilliance over at Google never ceases to amaze us. Just when you think they’ve become this ginormous corporate behemoth no longer capable of identifying with the small guy, they introduce a new Labs feature to Gmail called Mail Goggles. It’s a simple tool that requires you to do basic math in order to send a late night email, just in case you’re a bit impaired and shouldn’t be sending messages via electronic mail.

The design is practically flawless, because the better you are at math, the less likely you have anyone to send an embarrassing email to. Never call your girlfriend a whore, tell some chick you want to make babies with her, or cross the line on homoerotic comedy over late night emails ever again.

All we ask is that Google adds a component that tells you what a douche you are once you fail the test. Something simple, along the lines of: “Wow. You’re a loser. Go to bed.”

[Source: Official Gmail Blog via Gawker]

Yesterday after Al Davis fired Lane Kiffin as head coach of the Oakland Raiders he held a surreal press conference that involved both venomous character assaults (”liar”, “disgrace”) and a ten minute intermission. Plenty of places are recapping the happenings and we suggest you visit Deadspin for the full details.

We’re going to do what we always do and concentrate on the awesomest part: the letter Al Davis had previously written to Lane Kiffin. The one he whipped out during the press conference and displayed on an overheard projector like he was a seventh grade science teacher and the press were his students.

Inside the Oakland Raiders has the full transcript of the letter. Here are our favorite excerpts…

On how Lane has spent his last few months:

“Over the past months, you have made a number of public statements that were highly critical of, and designed to embarrass and discredit this organization, its players and its coaches. I left you alone during training camp in hopes that you would cease your immature and destructive campaign.”

Apparently the time alone was not what Lane needed to learn to be less immature and destructive.

On Lane’s inability to get over the Jamarcus Russell pick:

“I do realize that you did not want to draft JaMarcus Russell. He is a great player. Get over it and coach this team on the field, that is what you were hired to do. We can win with this team!”

How shitty of a coach was Lane to not realize JaMarcus Russell is a great player?

On why Lane’s Cover 2 Defense sucks dong:

“…during the game Monday night Rob played your Cover 2 defense and we got killed on an approximately 50-yard touchdown pass…”

Cover 2 is widely regarded as the gayest defense.

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Want to teach that hooker ex-girlfriend of yours a lesson? Feel like giving her crabs is the answer but you don’t want to go through the whole ordeal of getting crabs yourself? Well, today’s your lucky day.

Intrepid reader and notable spreader of venereal diseases, The Truth, alerted us this morning to the new revolutionary website, RevengeCrabs.com, an online shop dedicated to providing you with all the means necessary to give crabs to the people who deserve them, namely ex-girlfriends, college professors, the guy who clips his fingernails at work, and anyone who has ever directly or indirectly  prevented you from getting to third base.

We especially like their simple yet effective tagline: “The Best Revenge Is Giving Them Crabs”. Fuck yeah it is. Subtle, yet effective. Funny, and makes for a great story. Mean spirited, but not mean spirited enough to translate to jail time. Pretty much awesome all around.

Thanks to The Truth for the tip.