From our experience there are two types of grooms: the ones who are nervous and the ones who are willing to burn a hotel down. This Japanese dude falls in the latter category. Yahoo reports:

“A Japanese man set fire to the hotel where he was due to get married at the weekend, rather than go through with the ceremony later the same day, newspaper reports said Monday.

“Tatsuhiko Kawata, 39, had gone along with wedding plans despite already having a wife, the Yomiuri newspaper said.

“‘I thought if I set a fire I wouldn’t have to go through with the wedding,’ the Yomiuri quoted him as telling police.”

While we respect the shit out of this guy’s kamikaze style, we do have a few questions. Did he just view this engagement as a giant game of chicken with his mistress? Did he consider any other options outside of burning the hotel down when he realized she wasn’t going to flinch? Had he just recently watched Enemy of the State and realized a controlled fire was his only option?

Bigamy, arson, ludicrous scheming. We defy someone to find a Japenese dude more reckless than Tatsuhiko Kawata. The Japanese guys we’ve met wouldn’t leave the house in a wrinkled shirt. Then again, the prospect of thirty to forty years of waking up to the same woman every single day will drive someone to burn down buildings, especially when that prospect involves two women.

[Source: Yahoo]

World news is seriously entertaining us lately. Take, for example, yesterday’s account from Australia of a drunk woman who freaked after almost hitting a cop car in a gas station parking lot, so she set her own car on fire:

“Police said officers had stopped for fuel at a Batemans Bay service station in New South Wales just late on Saturday when their car was nearly hit by a woman reversing her vehicle.

“Police asked her to get of her car but she allegedly drove off.

“A short time later police responded to reports of a car in a ditch, which they allege the driver had set alight (Ed’s Note: ‘alight’ is kangaroo talk for ‘on fire’ ) . The number plates had also been removed, police said.”

To make matters even more awesome the police found the driver near the scene — presumably because she torched her only method of transportation — and she blew a 0.155.

And chicks act all offended when we categorically describe their gender as “crazy”. Yet overreactions like this are the norm. Wasn’t it pretty obvious that the police weren’t going to track her down when they were already too fucking lazy to even follow her out of the gas station parking lot? What did she think, they boomeranged a LoJack onto her bumper?

At least it makes for a great story. It’s not that often you read about someone ensuring that they get a DUI by taking measures to prevent themselves from getting a DUI. We’re not real big on dictionaries but that sounds like the definition of irony.

[Source: News.com.au]

Ah, Sweden. Home of IKEA and porn addicted clergyman. Today Swedish news outlet The Local reports that a clergyman in central Sweden has resigned from his position after infecting the local church network with a lethal virus he downloaded during his daily routine of surfing porn on a parish computer.

The disgraced priest has been surprisingly open about the whole thing, as he “admitted to spending a lot of time at work viewing pornographic websites.” In our experience that’s the last thing you want to be admitting. And in addition to that, the Swedish Archbishop has been remarkably understanding about the need to surf for porn:

“‘Priests are people too,’ Archbishop Anders Wejryd (Ed note: Isn’t that Wejryd?) told the paper.

“‘But I have no understanding at all for someone sitting and surfing for porn on the parish computers,’ he added.

“A pastor in Gothenburg recently came under scrutiny for moistening post-it notes with his penis and sticking them up in an office.”

Seems to us that there are two things to take away from this story:

1) Surfing for porn is the same as cheating on your taxes: everyone does it, you just don’t want to be the one who gets caught.

And, 2) ANYTHING goes in Sweden. The only reason — outside of hilarious shock value — we included the third line of the story about the post-it note incident was to hammer this point home. If you feel at all alienated by society in the US, it may be time to give Sweden a try. As far as we can tell the only prerequisite is liking meatballs.

[Source: The Local]

Federal agents arrested Travis Henry two days ago on drug trafficking charges for allegedly being involved in a multi-kilogram cocaine transaction. This excerpt from the Denver Post paints a pretty vivid picture:

“The drug sales involved cocaine worth about $100,000, according to an arrest-warrant affidavit that referred to Henry as the ‘money guy’ in an ongoing multi-state drug conspiracy.

“Henry told one Billings, Mont., customer that he and his family were all ‘dead’ if they didn’t come up with $40,000 worth of cocaine lost when their home was robbed, according to the affidavit.

“To make up for the stolen cocaine, Henry and Mack gave another customer 2 kilograms of fake cocaine, or drywall, along with 1 kilogram of real cocaine, the document says.”

Now, we were willing to look the other way on the whole fathering at least nine illegitimate children thing, and the being ‘the money guy’ behind a drug trafficking ring thing, and the threatening to kill a customer and his family thing, mainly because he played pretty hard when he was with the Bills.

But selling two kilos of drywall?! That’s where we draw the line. People depend on their suppliers to be on time with the goods. That’s not only fraud, it’s just bad business. Fuck this guy.

At least he got the chance to spread his magnificent DNA all over the continental US prior to spending the rest of his life in prison.

[Source: Denver Post via FanHouse]

You also smoke some crack and crash into a car lot.

So is the story of recovering alcoholic/drug addict Canadian landscaper who fell off the biggest fucking wagon ever built. From the Record:

“He did not observe his curfew.

“He did not remain sober.

“He did not keep the peace.

“And as he crashed into a Kitchener car lot — driving naked while speeding, drunk, high on crack cocaine and next to a naked prostitute — he was not being of good behaviour.

“‘This is one of the most flamboyant, flaming relapses I’ve ever seen,’ defence lawyer Brennan Smart said. ‘It’s almost the stuff of comedy writers.’

“Boppre, 39, of Waterloo, already had a drunk driving record when he was convicted last year of two weapons offences and breach of recognizance.”

Which begs the question why Boppre didn’t bring any guns with him. What, he didn’t feel like partying?

And we’d be remiss if we didn’t take note of all the fun Canadian spellings in the article. You think you’ve got yourself a ridiculously awesome drunk driving with prostitutes story and then Canadia takes comedy even one notch further by spelling defense wrong. Checkmate, Canada. Checkmate.

[Source: The Record via Jalopnik]

This dude challenged mother nature with a kite and a surfboard. Guess who won.

More of the story here. Looks like the guy is going to live, which is a good thing. Now we don’t have to feel at all bad for tagging this post under “humor”. The real question is whether god punished him for challenging the elements or thinking it’s cool to kite surf. We my never know.

Thanks to Toast and Big Slim — the only two dudes to ever successfully tandem kite surf — for the tip. 

There’s quite the infidelity backstory on Ebay if you’d like to check it out, but as far as we’re concerned the screenshot says it all. $293? Wow.

Who uses protection anyway? He must have picked up the tart at the docks.

Thanks to Steve Irony for his relentless tracking of the used underpants market.

Steve Irony once again tuned the rest of Team Cool & Tough into a hard-hitting news item yesterday when he shared this Fox News story about a man in Colorado who made repeated visits to a porn store claiming to be a police detective who needed for the store to give him free porno so that he could inspect each individual video to ensure they did not feature minors.

That’s right. Ridiculously, deliriously, cataclysmicly awesome. Per Fox:

“He made three tries within nine days last month and was turned down each time. The store manager called police after the third try.

“Authorities said Monday that the man showed a badge and left a business card from the Longmont police ‘age verification unit.’ Cmdr. Tim Lewis said there is no such unit.”

Let’s review how amazing this is:

• HE TRIED TO PULL THIS SHIT THREE TIMES IN NINE DAYS!
• HE HAD A BADGE AND BUSINESS CARDS!
• HE CLAIMED TO BE PART OF THE “AGE VERIFICATION UNIT”!
• HE MADE IT ALL UP TO SCORE A COUPLE FREE PORNOS!

As Big Slim pointed out: “I haven’t checked the stock market yet today, so I’m not sure exactly what porn is trading at, but for the amount he paid to make a badge and the business cards, couldn’t he have just bought a few videos? ”

(more…)

We’re not ancient enough to remember Bob Golic the football player, instead we remember Bob Golic the actor for his role as Michael Rogers — the awesomest RA EVER — on Saved by the Bell: The College Years. Remember the time he and Screech were watching football and Screech started rooting for the refs? Hil-fucking-larious. We think about that scene every time we see Ed Hochuli do something bad ass.

Well, SBTB aside, Bob has lost a shocking amount of weight, like pretty much a small Asian person’s worth, and it seems to have had the Billy Bob Thorton effect on him where his skin doesn’t know what to do with itself. We’re not sure we would have had any idea that this is Bob Golic if we’d just seen a stand alone picture.

What we are pretty sure of though is that we’d like to see Bob take over for Mike Greenberg on Mike & Mike in the Morning. There would still be a shtick and Mike Golic would undoubtedly seem less annoying. And then on slow sports days Bob could go on tangents about how he mislead tons of kids into believing when they got college RAs wouldn’t be losers and their dorm rooms would be the size of penthouses. He could also talk about what a hooker Elizabeth Berkley is. Bob could even go by Mike Rogers. They wouldn’t even have to change the name of the show! It would be awesome. Let’s make this happen.

• The Other Golic Loses a Mike Greenberg [Sports by Brooks]

Not a whole lot of commentary we can add to this outside of “Holy Shit” and “Did you see his bike explode?” Kind of like that roof scene from True Lines, except not really…

[H/T: SI’s Extra Mustard]