What people will infer about you when they find out you camped out for the iPhone 3G:

• That the “phone” part of the iPhone is the feature you’re least interested in.

• That you’ve already got a date for next weekend and her name is The Dark Knight.

• That you also own a Nintendo Wii, Playstation 3, X-Box 360, Blu-Ray DVD player, Roomba, and the original iPhone.

• That you originally thought you might be interested in fantasy football, but then did some research and not so much.

• That you judge people who own a PC.

• That you’ve on at least one occasion trashed a hot chick behind her back for not knowing who Boba Fett is.

• That you feel “losing your virginity” is an extremely relative term, open for debate.

• That not only do you know what a widget is, but you’ve also created a few.

• If you have your choice between beer and soy latte, you go latte every single GD time.

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Since there’s not a GD thing on television right now we spent the time gaps between watching DVR’d Cinemax last night aimlessly channel surfing. And while doing so we discovered The Bachelorette still exists.

Now, we get The Bachelor and why it’s successful. The recipe is pretty simple:

• Attention-whoring pretty ladies desperate to get famous.
• One successful dude eager to take a run at banging them all.
• Primetime television.
• The alarmingly large contingent of the population who love all things reality.

But what we don’t get is when you flip parts of that formula around to create The Bachelorette. Where do these chicks that are eager to bang all the contestants hang out? And what dudes are so desperate to be on television that they’re willing to battle it out with a bunch of other guys to see who gets to win a monogamous relationship? It would defy logic for any of them not to be a debilitating goon. So with that in mind…

What people will infer about you when they find out you’re going on The Bachelorette:

• That beers with the fellas just isn’t your thing.

• That your applications to The Real World, Big Brother, Road Rules, Survivor, and The Apprentice were all turned down along with your application to be The Bachelor.

• That you pay for spray tans in three month increments.

• That you would have applied for The Amazing Race but couldn’t find the friend.

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What people will infer about you when they find out you plan to watch the MTV Movie Awards this Sunday:

• When you see Johnny Depp in the audience, He’s better than that is not a thought that passes through your mind.

• You laughed at least twice during the trailer for ‘Don’t Mess with the Zohan’.

• You DVR ‘The Hills’.

• There’s not a thing you’d change about the Maxim 100.

• You think of the years when MTV actually played videos as “back before things got good.”

• You can’t fucking wait for ‘Disaster Movie’ to hit theaters.

• You legitimately have a favorite in the Best Kiss category.

• You’re actively rooting for Lindsay Lohan’s “inevitable” rebound.

• You could pick the Jonas Brothers out of a lineup.

• You’ve logged the hours required to get your pilot’s license into playing Guitar Hero.

• Nothing about ‘The Love Guru’ tells you Mike Myers best days are behind him.

What people infer about you when they find out you watched “Gossip Girl” last night:

• Your genitalia are in the possession of some chick that introduces you at parties as either their husband or boyfriend.

• You find teen angst WAY more compelling than the competition of gifted athletes in their prime.

• Chardonnay and guilty TV pleasures are how you like to unwind after a long Monday.

• The phrase “barely legal” can be found with ease in your web browsing history.

• Your Thursday nights are all about one thing: “Grey’s Anatomy”.

• You can name at least one Miley Cyrus track.

• You find it impossible to turn away from “90210″ reruns on cable, even if it’s an episode focused solely on Steve Sanders.

• You are in no way weirded out by how “dreamy” some dude on the CW is.

• PerezHilton.com is bookmarked in your favorites.

• You’re getting pretty fucking tired of our NBA coverage.

• And you would sacrifice a kitten to get with Blake Lively (but so would we, so we can’t judge too much on that one).
  

Email signatures are one of the few ways to define yourself in a homogeneous corporate environment. Here are some examples of what your email signature can say about you:

A) “I’m Here Because They Pay Me”.

Dick Masterson

Craptastic, Inc.

(888) 555-8517 Office

(888) 555-987 Fax

dmasterson@gmail.com

Our personal email signature recommendation. The Goal: to make it abundantly clear that you really don’t give a shit. No job title, whatever font Outlook defaults to, omit the last digit in your fax number (who wants to have to check the fucking fax machine?), substitute your personal email address for your work email in order to insinuate that you transmit copious amounts of porn on a daily basis. This signature lets the world know that italics are gay and you could use a beer.

B) “I Need You to Know I Drive a Jag”.

Dick Masterson | Vice President
The One REALLY Important Group in this REALLY Important Company
Really Important Company | Swinging Dick Division
Pimp Address, Baller Floor | New York, New York 10000
T: 888 555 2654 | F: 888 555 9745
dick.masterson@ric.com | www.ric.com/swingingdick

Nuanced. Refined. Uber professional. Hours of thought put into fonts, font sizes, where to bold, and when to work in a little color contrast (you went with a dash of green to remind people that you and money are never too far apart). Words = Importance. More the better. Chicks cream themselves after reading an email from you.

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